


The Green Bench

by AceWings67



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Body Image, Castiel Feels, Castiel Has Self-Esteem Issues, Castiel Has Self-Worth Issues, Castiel In Love, Castiel Whump, Castiel and Dean Winchester First Meet, Castiel and Dean Winchester Live Together, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Castiel and Dean Winchester are Dorks, Dean Has Self-Worth Issues, Dean Whump, Dean Winchester In Love, Dean Winchester and Feelings, Dean has anxiety, Depression, Destiel - Freeform, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Grey-Asexual Castiel, High School Student Dean, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Its so terrible, John Winchester Being an Asshole, John and Mary Are Dead, M/M, Mary deserved better, Mental Breakdown, Musical Castiel, Musical Dean Winchester, Nightmares, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Synesthesia, Teen Angst, Teen Castiel, Teen Dean Winchester, Teen Romance, They are so cute, i just love them so much, its ridiculously long, the author wrote this a million years ago, there are way too many tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-04
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-08-29 01:03:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 23
Words: 54,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8469772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceWings67/pseuds/AceWings67
Summary: Castiel has gotten used to constantly hating himself and has never really forgiven himself for the fire that had killed his brother all those years ago. After being constantly abused by his brother and bullies at school, it's all become sort of the norm for him. That is, until he meets Dean Winchester. The school's new pretty boy who has no business being as nice to Castiel as he has been. Soon the boys grow closer and Castiel learns neither of them are perfect and it's going to be torture to get through high school in one piece, but at least they have each other...right?Through obstacles and older brothers and countless hospital trips, Cas and Dean learn to accept the cliche that love will always find a way. I suck at summaries oh my god this isn't that bad i swearunless it isthen I'm sorry





	1. Wake Me Up (wake me up inside)

**Author's Note:**

> this beginning part makes me melt into a pool of cringe but it gets better I swear
> 
> this story has been a lot of fun to write and it isn't quite done yet but this is the first time I've written anything this legit and definitely the first time I've ever posted it so that may explain why it might suck ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> also please ignore the chapter title I'm tired and trash not a good combination
> 
> to anybody who actually decides to read this, feedback is literally the best thing ever I'd really appreciate any comments whatsoever thanks so much 
> 
> **trigger warning for homophobic slurs and violence im sorry**

Waking up was one of Castiel Novak's least favorite things in the world. Not because he would rather wake up dead than alive, but because he knows that with every time his eyes crack open after those few precious hours of rest, he leaves the world he only just entered. He leaves the world where he can forget his pain and any worry weighing him down, and he is thrust right back into the real world. Every morning, it stings just as bad as the first time he had the realization. The problem was he was prone to pretty nasty nightmares, but none as bad as the nightmares that spilled into his waking life, so sleep was heaven by comparison. Cas managed to push it so far back in his mind that he now only barely feels it, a dull ache in the back of his head.

Castiel opened his eyes, squinting until he was accustomed to the light flooding his bedroom. He looked down at his blue and black checkered bed sheets to avoid looking directly at any light, his eyes still blurry from sleep. Castiel glanced around once he was able to fully open his eyes, making sure he was in his proper bedroom and not in a cellar like he had just been dreaming. After seeing his desk to the left of him and his closet to the right of him he breathed a sigh of relief. Cas yawned vigorously and pushed his arms out to the sides, stretching his sore limbs. He managed to roll, then fall, then stand up and walk out of his bedroom, sleepily trudging to the bathroom to get ready, just like every morning, every day, every week, and every month for the past 3 years he had been living in this stupid city. 

Cas lazily rubbed his eyes and looked in the mirror, reminded again of how much he hates the sight of his own face. His dark hair was sticking up at awkward angles, his lips looked flat and no matter how much chapstick Cas bought, the skin always looked cracked and dry. He was starting to grow a bit of stubble but he couldn't find it in him to care very much, it never grew much longer than a five o'clock shadow anyway. Cas quickly turned away from the mirror; it was too early for this kind of ache.

Castiel simply went through the motions and after 20 minutes, he walked down the stairs and into the kitchen, showered and clean with his hair looking as close to brushed as possible. Cas stuffed a few papers into his backpack lying on the granite counter top, settling on eating a smaller breakfast today, not having much of an appetite after glancing in the mirror at his naked form before showering. 

Castiel isn't overweight by any measure; in fact, for most of his life, he was underweight. Despite that, he had never found it in himself to be able to look at his body, especially not his burnt scarred forearms, without feeling a pain in his chest and forcing himself to look away. Cas shook the thoughts out of his head and glued a small smile on his face, remembering what his mother told him,

"Always smile, darling, even if it's hard, because a smile is inviting, and you never know who'll be invited to your party." 

He always left the house with a small flicker of hope each day, "Maybe today it will all get better" he thought. His thoughts were interrupted, however, by the sound of footsteps thudding down the stairs.

"Hello Luci" Cas sighed. His brother was born with the name Lucas, which meant bright or shining, but over the years his name had transitioned with his personality. He went from Lucas, to Luke, and finally he accepted the nickname he had been given due to his devilish charm and mischievous ways, Lucifer. Castiel and his brothers had always called him Luci for short.

His brother was clearly hung-over again and that was never good. Cas shrank back a bit behind the counter, hoping Lucifer would ignore him this time. His spark of hope from the morning was quickly extinguishing. 

"Ever the optimist aren't you Cassie?" Lucifer said, noticing Cas' relatively good mood, strolling groggily towards him, causing Cas to take another small step back in fear.

"What do you want Lucifer?" Cas said, less of a question, more of a defiant statement, his voice still wavering a bit. He fought to keep his voice level; this confidence was fake and wouldn't last long.

"I don't want anything from you" Lucifer spat, his neutral expression suddenly twisting with rage and disgust as he drew close to Cas and stopped abruptly. "You faggot" he spat harshly, then he literally spat in Cas's face, covering his forehead in a glob of saliva and proceeding to punch Cas in the nose as he did it. "Thinking you can just talk to me like that," Lucifer mumbled, scoffing as Cas fell to the ground, clutching his face. He refused to make a sound, refusing to let him know how much that hurt. Lucifer looked at Cas one more time, kicked him hard in the stomach for good measure, grabbed a bottle of whiskey and strolled back upstairs.

Castiel stayed there on the floor for a few moments more, waiting to be sure Lucifer had gone all the way upstairs. Once he heard the thud of an empty bottle on the ground he stood up. His hand, now soaked in blood, was still clutched around his throbbing nose. He grabbed a fistful of tissues and thrust them on his nose. He cleaned the wound and waited until the bleeding stopped.

After managing to stomach a banana and a glass of orange juice, Cas walked outside and stood by the curb, eyeing the green bench, relieved to see it was empty. He was 10 minutes off schedule but still early for the bus. He popped in his ear buds and sighed happily as he tried again to forget where he was and just focus on the music. 

"Do I look lonely...maybe I lost weight...I'm walking the long road" He hummed softly, sitting on the green bench beside the curb and admiring the scenes of nature around him. 

Despite what everybody else around him thought, he was actually a rather optimistic person. Cas was kind and nice to those around him; well, he was to the few people who occasionally actually chose to speak to him. Castiel liked to think of himself as a flower in a sea of weeds. Cas never did like to stand out; he never sought attention because getting close to people will inevitably end in pain for either party involved. Cas rubbed at his arm absentmindedly and tried to think of happier things.

The bus came a few minutes later, a few more people had gathered around the bus stop, stealing only a few glances toward Cas, he didn't mind, though, he'd rather invisibility to being beaten to a bloody pulp any day. As he stood up to board the bus he felt a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see who was tapping. He was greeted by a hand ripping his earbuds out of his ears and a punch to the gut. 

"Hey! Overdose! Having a good day?" the attacker's buddies jeered and laughed as Cas received another punch to the gut and was left kneeling on the ground next to the bus gasping for breath. He heard a few murmurs behind him as people ignored him and clambered onto the bus.  
He hated it when they called him that; it was all such a big lie that had been circulating since freshman year and Cas couldn't stand it. He could feel a bruise forming on his rib where he had been kicked earlier and now punched twice in the same place. Still gasping and clutching his middle, eyes screwed shut; he felt a hand on his shoulder. He whipped his head around ready to stand up to the bully, only to be met with the warmest smile of sympathy and greenest eyes he'd ever seen in his life.


	2. Blue Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He craned his neck to see over the crowd and saw this insanely handsome kid kneeling on the ground

"Sam! Wake up!" 

Dean called across the hall to his brother, still fast asleep. He waited for a moment to see if he could hear a grunt or any type of reply at all. When he was met with more silence he decided this needed action. With a sly grin on his face, Dean stood up, grabbed his pillow and very quietly stalked into his brother's room. He walked slowly all the way to the bed until he was standing right next to Sam's head. He quickly shoved the pillow downwards on to Sam's face, laughing hysterically as Sam flailed in shock and as his screams and curses were muffled by the pillow. Eventually Sam fell out of the bed from waving his arms around so much. He knelt on the ground, gasping for air and looked up at Dean, who still had that shit-eating grin on his face. Sam suppressed a smile and stood up slowly; glad his growth spurt now made him a few inches taller than Dean. They both stared at each other for a second before Sam tackled Dean playfully and they wrestled on the ground, eventually giving up after Dean "accidentally" kneed Sam in the balls. Twice.

"Well, now you're awake huh Sammy!" Dean said cheerfully as he got up to leave the room. Sam grunted and threw a pillow at him, narrowly missing and hitting the door.

After both of the brothers had showered and changed they trudged downstairs. Sam stood in the kitchen, preparing his books and straightening his papers. Dean usually would've scoffed and made some remark about his nerdy little brother but the realizations that they'd both have to be the 'new kid' yet again hit them like a kick in the shin dampening the lighthearted start to the day. Dean grabbed his keys and climbed in the car, skipping breakfast like he usually did. 

He put the key in the ignition and was met by a sputtering cough rather than the usual roar of the Impala's engine. He tried a few more times until giving up. He hit the steering wheel with the heel of his palm, 

"Dammit!" he yelled. He put his forehead on the steering wheel and thought for a second. "What now?" he mumbled.

"Dean, if we run we can still catch that bus that is supposed to come a couple blocks up. You up for it?" Sam called from inside. Dean grunted and got out of the car dejectedly, calling back to Sam, 

"I don't really have much of a choice do I?"

"Not really" Sam called back, already grabbing his backpack and throwing his half eaten banana in the garbage, stepping out onto the sidewalk and beginning to jog.

"I'll see you when you get there, Dean" he called over his shoulder.

Dean stuffed his papers in his bag, grabbing his keys just in case, and locking the door behind him. He decided he wasn't about to do exercise and be forced to do it in silence, what is this, Guantanamo? So he popped in his ear buds and turned the music up louder than it probably should be. He hummed softly as he picked up the pace, 

"like I'm tied to the whippin' post," he sang softly. He looked at his watch nervously every few minutes, slowing his pace a bit as he saw the big green bench and the large crowd gathering around the approaching bus. 

Dean caught his breath as he stood in the forming line to enter the bus, spotting Sam's shaggy, floppy haired head above everyone, already talking to people. Dean smiled a little at how easy Sam was getting on but his thoughts were interrupted when he heard some yelling and a loud thud.

He craned his neck to see over the crowd and saw this insanely handsome kid kneeling on the ground clutching his stomach as some jocks cheered and clambered on to the bus. Dean was stuck. If he decided to help, he would probably end up in the same place he'd been in at the last few schools and in the same place as that poor kid over there, the outcast punching bag. Although he had sworn he would change this year, swore he wouldn't get beaten to a bloody pulp every other day like always, he couldn't help himself as he rushed forward and grabbed the kid's shoulder, smiling warmly to let him know he meant no harm. As the kid whipped his head around, obviously expecting another punch to the gut, Dean was met with two of the brightest blue eyes he'd ever seen in his life.


	3. Meetings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "His mind was racing. Should he say something? Who is this? Are they new? Why is he helping him? Why is he so beautiful?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is when they first meet *throws glitter into the air and melts into a puddle of rainbows*  
> Rather than splitting up the perspectives I'm gonna put both in one chapter because they're rather short and they're talking to each other so it's more focused on e m o t i o n s  
> (ew amirite?)  
> Anyway thanks so much to anybody who took the time to read this I would hug all of you except statistically one of you probably has a cold and I don't want to get sick.  
> I still love you though and I appreciate any and all feedback   
> Seriously please comment  
> Anyway enough of my rambling

**Castiel:**

Cas almost had to physically slap himself to stop staring at the stranger. His mind was racing. Should he say something? Who is this? Are they new? Why is he helping him? Why is he so beautiful? These and similar questions were shooting around in Cas' brain and he only managed to stutter out, "Th-tha- thank yo-you." Green Eyed Boy smiled more, and Cas nearly passed out, his heart was going so fast it hardly felt safe. He reluctantly pushed himself off the ground into a wobbly standing position. The boy looked uncomfortable, as if he didn't know what to say. This made Cas feel a little better, knowing he wasn't the only one without an affinity for words... in a sense; after all he was a poet...

"I'm-I-I'm Dean." Green Eyes managed to say, hastily removing his hand from Cas' shoulder, which he was grateful for because it had become uncomfortable. As the line on to the bus began to thin Cas couldn't find himself looking anywhere but Dean's forest green eyes.

"Castiel. N-nice to meet you Dean."

"Hey faggots! Get a room!" the bullies called out the window and howled with laughter as Cas looked around and realized they were the only ones not on the bus yet, receiving some very dirty looks from the bus driver.

Cas gave the bully the finger and reluctantly walked away from Dean, not wanting to pull him into this, he seemed nice. Cas took his usual spot in the front by himself. He turned his music back on, crossed his arms and closed his eyes, once again inviting sleep to take him away from all of this.

A part of Cas felt bad as he heard how Dean was being tormented in the back. They had only just met but a small piece of him had this really weird protective urge. He ignored Dean and really just about everything though, he ought to let Dean deal with it himself, just like Castiel had had to do for 3 years. He felt bad, remembering how miserable it could be, how alone it could feel at times, but he knew if there was anything he could do, he'd do it, repaying the favor and such. Plus, he'd take any excuse he could get to look at those eyes for 1 more second.

 

**Dean:**

Dean tried to look away several times but he was pretty sure it just looked like he had some creepy eye twitchy spasm thing. The guy was breathtakingly beautiful, despite having a bit of a swollen nose, which Dean decided not to press about, this boy was the kind of beautiful that no one ever notices except for the right people. Dean had a feeling these types of people never really saw themselves in the light Dean always managed to see them; he always found himself seeing beauty in others where they can't see it themselves. 

He didn't dwell on it much though; he had a strict no chick flick moment policy, just thinking about stuff like that was infringing his rule. The kid slowly stood up, thanking Dean as they both stood there awkwardly, neither knowing what to say. Dean could feel the kid's heartbeat (his hand was still uncomfortably rested on the boy's shoulder, despite them both being in a standing position) and his heart was racing dangerously fast. Dean quickly took his hand off and tried to think of a way to introduce himself.

"I'm-I-I'm Dean." He said, trying to be as smooth as possible, even though he knew he was way past 'deer in the headlights'. It made him feel a bit better when he realized Blue Eyes hadn't stopped looking at him the whole time. He looked like he was about to speak, Dean wasn't sure. Hopefully he'd introduce himself. Blue Eyes was a bit of a mouthful. 

_"Castiel? Hm... Blue eyes was less of a mouthful."_ Dean thought when the other boy introduced himself, " _I'll just call him 'Cas' for short. I like that nickname a lot. It suits him more."_ Suddenly, as Dean was about to say something else, a jock from before yelled out of the window, jolting Dean back into reality.

Cas walked away and onto the bus, Dean respected Cas a bit more each minute, especially after that bird he flipped, nice move! Dean was sad to see him go so soon but also relieved; he knew Cas had somehow been a brief flicker of light for him but it didn't matter because he swore he wouldn't pull anyone else into this mess.

After his mom, after his dad... he was done. Done with love. Done with all that crap. He didn't deserve any of it anyway; he didn't deserve a loving husband to dote on him and a picket fence in the suburbs with 2.5 children. He just didn't deserve it and he didn't deserve anyone else to care about him for that matter. It was him and Sam against the world and that's how it would always be. Dean resisted thinking of how it really wouldn't be like that forever, because eventually everybody leaves. He resisted thinking how Sam did deserve all of those things; he deserved them and so much more. He resisted thinking about how Sam, well he had a future. So screw Cas, with his beautiful eyes and his perfectly perfect face, because Dean was done. 

_“Dammit, you pussy, no chick flick moments remember? the hell are you doing thinkin’ like that?”_ he scolded himself silently. _"Just get on the damn bus. Try not to continue to make a complete fool of yourself."_

He climbed on to the bus and felt a weight lift from his chest when he saw Sam smiling at him from the back, saving him a seat. He ignored the rude 'boyfriend' and 'faggot' comments. Flipping the finger and swearing where necessary. Eventually the buzz died down to obnoxious murmurs and he decided he didn't really want to talk, so Dean crossed his arms, put in his ear buds, and closed his eyes to sleep, mysterious pools of sapphire blue clouding his mind and interrupting his dreams. He may be done with love, but he dreaded the thought that he just might not have a choice.


	4. Batman Boxers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Dean, the boy who had somehow managed to cloud Castiel's thoughts all week was here and he- Oh crap! Pants!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh jeez oh gosh 2 chapters in one day  
> Don't get excited I'm just trying to get the intro chapters out of they way and get to the good stuff  
> Also I'm bored   
> I might do it in this format of having both perspectives in one chapter I'm not sure if you like it let me know if you hate it //please// let me know  
> Just like before I love you all more than you know and comments give me sweet life

**Castiel:**

  
Cas realized a week had passed since he had met Dean. _"A week?"_ he thought to himself, _"it feels like it's been years since I've seen those eyes."_ Cas realized how weird this must seem but Dean's mere presence felt like a drug and Castiel didn't even get the chance to become addicted. Dean had become the subject of quite a few of Castiel's midnight poems and drawings, he was becoming really anxious about one of his less... understanding brothers finding rough sketches of another boy in Castiel's room. He decided to ignore that for now though, some of his best work had either been of Dean or because of him and he wasn't stopping yet. 

After school Cas and Gabe got off the bus and walked to their house in companionable silence, just like every day, and they each went to their own rooms once inside. Cas was grateful that Lucifer and the rest of his brothers weren't home; he didn't have the mind to deal with them today.

He was exhausted from the past week and if he didn't take some sort of power nap he knew his brain would probably melt out of his ears. Literally. So he took off his shirt and pants, not bothering to put on a pajama despite his embarrassing batman boxers; and laid down in bed, hugging his pillow like always. Within seconds he was fast asleep.

Cas woke up to the sound of small voices coming from downstairs and the door closing and opening multiple times. He grumbled and got out of bed, momentarily forgetting his lack of appropriate clothing, and trudged sleepily down the stairs to see who was visiting. 

"Gabe! Gabe who are you talking to? I heard voices are you-" Cas stopped abruptly mid sentence as he was once again met with the heat pooling in his chest and stomach, that feeling of warmth and comfort he got whenever he looked into those blazing green eyes.  
Cas and Dean stared at each other for a few milliseconds, both clearly shocked speechless. Dean, the boy who had somehow managed to cloud Castiel's thoughts all week was here and he- Oh crap! Pants! Cas looked down quickly and ran back upstairs, squeaking like a mouse and streaking into his room to throw himself on his bed and try to regulate his breathing again.

"Why is he here? Why didn't he say anything? Why didn't I say anything?" Cas groaned into his pillow, relieved to hear the door shut, announcing Dean's departure. After a few more minutes of thinking, Cas gathered that the only logical solution was that Sam, the new kid Gabe had been speaking to earlier on the phone before Cas went to sleep, must be Dean's younger brother.

Cas hated this feeling of longing that he had whenever he saw Dean. He hated how easily he memorized all of his perfectly perfect features and how his heart gave a tug whenever he was even thinking of him. This had to stop. Cas made a vow to himself that no matter what, he would talk to Dean this week. After all, they shared almost every class, how hard could it be?

Cas snorted in amusement at that last thought, he didn't deserve any attention from somebody like Dean. How could he? He felt worthless enough to be garbage floating around on the street. He shook his head and sat at his desk, scratching absentmindedly at his forearm and losing himself in the monotony of his homework to try and distract himself from other thoughts.

**Dean:**

A week passed and Cas didn't as much as look twice at Dean. Dean had to admit, he was a bit disappointed, but he knew it was most likely for the best. He was in most of the same classes as Cas but he had managed to fix his car and didn't have to see those assholes from the bus stop except in the halls every so often, which was a plus. He thought about offering Cas a ride a few times but ultimately decided against it. 

Putting down his pencil and rubbing his eyes, Dean pushed his chair out of the desk and went down the stairs to grab a glass of something to drink. The house felt emptier since... the silence killed Dean sometimes but he'd managed to reduce the pain to a dull ache in the back of his head, the only problem with dull aches though, is that when they resurface they feel so, so much worse. As he neared the bottom of the stairs he heard Sam speaking in a very small voice in the kitchen. Dean stopped where he was and craned his neck to try and hear what his brother was saying.

"Yeah. Yeah 7:00 will work. I'll have to ask my brother for a ride though... no, no it's fine. I'll see you then Gabe okay? Yeah see you later. Uh huh, yeah. Bye." Dean peeked out and saw Sam grinning a bit as he put his phone in his pocket and decided now was the perfect time,

"Sooo Sam" Dean said, jumping the bottom stairs and making Sam jump, "Who's Gabe huh Sammy? Hmmmm? He your" Dean made kissy faces, "boooyfriend?" Dean laughed as Sam turned red and then walked over to him and ruffled Sam's hair.

"I'm only kidding Sammy! Lighten up. Where do you need a ride to though?" He asked, trying to show sincerity so Sam wouldn't brush him off. 

"Gabe's a friend of mine-shut up Dean- and we have a project due on Thursday so we were going to work on it at his house. I didn't want to bring him here because... well you know... it's so...empty." Sam said the last part slowly, as if he wasn't quite sure what to say. 

"I get it, so," Dean checked his watch," it's 6:30, how far away does this kid live?"   
"About 15 minutes, same neighborhood as the bus stop from the first day, remember?" Sam said.

"Yeah I remember, getting called a faggot doesn't just," Dean made obnoxious sweeping motions, "slip your mind, does it?" Dean said, laughing bitterly.

"Suppose not..." Sam said, looking around as if he couldn't think of what to say next. "So... we should...leave..." he said as if trying to hint that Dean was just kind of standing there probably lost in his own thoughts.

Dean snapped back into it, "Oh! Yeah yeah sorry Sam." Dean walked to the kitchen counter and grabbed his keys, spinning them on his fingers as he walked out the door, starting up the car and waiting for Sam to put his shoes on. Once they were both in the car, Sam put Gabe's address into his phone and they drove in silence for a few minutes.

"Do you know where Bobby is? He said he'd be back before school started." Sam said, trying to break the silence. 

"No idea. But you know Bobby; he always comes back when he says he will; he might just be running a bit behind." Dean felt his answer didn't spur on any conversation but he didn't know what else to say, he was in a bit of an antisocial mood and didn't feel like talking, hadn't been a good day. He didn't like the silence though, so he turned up the music louder than it needed to be and sang along, knowing how Sam hates his singing. They drove the rest of the way there like that.

Once they had 'arrived at their destination' (thanks siri) Sam said goodbye and started walking up the driveway. Dean did the creepy slow drive by thing he knew he should, waiting to see who answered the door when he realized Sam had left his backpack with his supplies. Dean parked the car and walked up the driveway a moment or two after Sam had disappeared inside. 

Once he had knocked on the door, he was met by a small-ish kid, about Sam's age, a lollipop in his hand and a toothy grin on his face. Dean instantly got a weird feeling about the kid but he brushed it off. He walked in (after being invited of course, Dean was a gentleman after all) and handed Sam his stuff, he heard lethargic footsteps coming down the stairs as he was about to leave.

"Gabe! Gabe who are you talking to? I heard voices are you-" the voice cut off as he reached the bottom of the stairs, Dean instantly got that familiar gut wrenching feeling he got whenever he looked at those beautiful blue eyes. 

_"Cas?! Cas is Gabe's brother? Damn. Small world. Wait, what is he wearing? Okay Dean, play it smooth,"_

Cas looked like he'd just woken up from a nap or something and was wearing very stylish batman boxers and... Nothing else.

Dean blushed a bit and looked away to be polite, regretting it immediately, he didn't even see anything! Not fair! Cas let out a small squeak and ran back up the stairs. Everyone was pretty silent after that, Dean decided to just let himself out, still chuckling as he got in the car and pulled out of the driveway to drive back home.


	5. Crash Bang Thud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas woke up in the hospital, a killer headache making his head throb so badly he could barely open his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so here's another one woop woop this might be a but underwhelming but it's about to get real good 
> 
> And by good I mean really really angsty
> 
> Anyway my birthday was on Friday so yeah that's cool 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading, let me know what you think in the comments please!  
> Love you all

**Castiel:**

On Monday morning Cas tried to shut his brain off as much as he could, the usual for Mondays. He went through the motions just like every day, making sure not to make too much noise so he didn't wake Lucifer, and hurrying out the door once he was done.

He usually didn't wait for Gabe; he wasn't nearly as strict with time in the mornings as Castiel,

"Besides, he doesn't have to worry about being beaten to a pulp, why shouldn't he sleep a little longer?" Cas thought bitterly.

He kicked a few stones as he walked to the familiar green bench, trying to forget the other familiar green thing on his mind; the only thing on his mind, really. He knew he had promised himself he would say something-anything- to Dean today, but he was drawing a complete blank on how he would go about completing such a daunting task. His cheeks reddened slightly as he remembered what had happened the last time they saw each other.

He sat down and thought about different ways for them to meet but to make it seem casual. They were in almost all of the same classes right? But they didn't sit together in most of them... the only thing Cas could think of was to come up to Dean at their lockers because they were close but he knew he'd never be able to do that. He just figured it would work out eventually and he'd figure it out at school.

He walked to the back of the line to avoid attention and found himself once again, just going through the motions. He realized the only thing that had interrupted this miserable cycle and actually put a small grin on his face was the thought of Dean. As stressful as this mission may be, anything involving Dean was a highlight to Cas.

He groaned softly, "What am I getting myself into?" he mumbled.

First period English was a lifesaver for Cas. Literature had always been one of his best subjects but today there was the added relief that this was the only class he didn't share with Dean, it gave him some time to prepare.

After class finished he started heading down the hall towards his locker to get his APUSH textbook when a streaking figure ran straight into him, knocking him back at least 10 feet, causing all of his books to fly across the hall and his head to slam rather violently against the lockers. Castiel tried to stand up but gave up when he felt something warm clumping in his hair and pooling around his ears and neck.

Spots were appearing in his vision and he felt himself slipping in and out of consciousness, next thing he knew, he was out cold.

Cas woke up in the hospital, a killer headache making his head throb so badly he could barely open his eyes. For a moment he didn't remember anything that happened. Oddly enough, after a few minutes of thinking, he still didn't know what had happened. All he remembered was being knocked over and now he's here.

He looked around groggily, willing his eyes to accustom to the light so he could stop looking so stoned. A few minutes later he heard voices nearing his room and two figures just outside the door, discussing something. It was only then that the question of how he managed to get to the hospital while unconscious arose. Did they have to call the ambulance or something? Cas sincerely hoped not, he was a lot of things but he didn't want to have to be the ambulance kid.

Seconds later the two figures entered the room, first the doctor, an older man with not much hair left and gruff features, his name tag read Dr. Milton. When the next person entered the room Castiel's heartbeat changed so drastically you could hear it on the monitor beside him, Dr. Milton suddenly looked concerned and leaned over him to check his vitals.

Next thing he knew, Dean had strolled in through the entrance, a worried smile on his face; the type that people get when they've trained themselves to never show how upset or worried they are about something or someone. Cas tried not to think about why Dean had mastered such a look. In fact, Cas tried not to think much at all right now. A few seconds later and Cas was back under, his heartbeat slowing to a less erratic pace as Dean walked over to him and sat at the table beside his bed, holding his hand gently in his own. Cas didn't even want to think about how warm his hands were and how gently he was holding Castiel's hand, as if he were something fragile and precious.

 

**Dean:**

The next morning felt like a blur, Dean hadn't gotten much sleep because his anxiety had been acting up and he couldn't stop freaking out about seemingly small things. After managing to only doze off twice in first period calc, Dean was walking towards his locker to grab his APUSH textbook when he saw Cas coming out of English.

Dean wished he could say something but he was feeling pretty low today and felt that getting rejected wouldn't make him feel much better.

As he entered his combination, still thinking about Cas, (When was he not thinking about Cas?) he heard a few yells and a "Go long!" as well as some laughing and some whooping and cheering from somewhere up the corridor. Dean pushed himself against the locker door and closed his eyes just in time to see a streaking figure sprint past him, the guy's eyes towards the ceiling in an attempt to catch the hurtling football. Suddenly, there was a crash and a sickening thud. Dean looked over to where he had just been admiring Cas to see him splayed out on the ground, papers everywhere.

Dean looked around incredulously at all the people looking over and ignoring the scene as if Cas was just somebody else's annoying kid throwing a tantrum in a grocery store. Dean couldn't believe it. He practically ran over to him, shoved the idiot off of Cas and held his head in his hands. Cas's eyes were closed but he didn't look peaceful like he should. When Dean felt something warm and sticky pool in his palm he knew Cas was in trouble. He picked Cas up; he was surprised by how heavy and muscled he was for such a medium sized frame.

Dean rushed Cas outside and into his car, laying a towel beneath his head so as to not stain the Impala with blood. This would be faster than calling the ambulance anyway, so he sped out of the school parking lot rather recklessly, the tires squealing and leaving marks. 6 minutes later they had arrived at the hospital and Dean watched Cas get taken away on a stretcher, his body still completely unresponsive.

Dean paced nervously in the waiting room for a few minutes until a doctor came out to tell him the damage.

As they walked down the hallway to Cas's room, the doctor explained that Cas had suffered a major concussion but will be suffering from it for a few days because of how hard the fall was and the specific point of impact. Dean asked him a few questions about if it was likely for Cas to wake up, which the doctor responded that in this specific case it was a bit of a 60/40 situation.

Before Dean could ask which situation was 60 and which was 40, they entered Castiel's room to find his eyes half opened, the minute Dean walked in Cas's vitals went insane and he passed out again, only making Dean more anxious. The doctor apologized and said all there was to do was wait so he thanked him and sat by Cas's bed, holding his limp hand gently, determined to stay here until Cas woke up.

Despite only having ever said about 2 or 3 words to him, Dean had this unexplainably strong connection or bond to Cas and as much as he hated acknowledging such a cheesy thing, it was true. It was the reason Dean was in the hospital in the mid afternoon instead of in school, it was the reason there were bright blue eyes and gravelly voices with windswept black hair haunting his dreams every night. There was a reason he got a high off of just looking at Castiel's face. The reason he was holding this guy's hand, this guy who was practically a stranger, and willing him to wake up just one more time. There must be a reason...


	6. Glowing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> love is just friendship set on fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is super fluffy and they finally have a real conversation !!!11!!1!1 omg
> 
> Dean's problems and past start coming out a little my poor child
> 
> I did say countless hospital trips right? haha...
> 
> Anyway I love you all thanks so much please comment with any feedback! I really hope you enjoy this chapter

**Castiel:**

The next time Cas woke up, he was feeling a bit better and was able to stay conscious for much longer. He found a very tired looking Dean sitting next to him and his heart jumped to his throat when he realized he had been holding his hand gently.

Cas tried to speak but it came out in a hoarse whisper, "Wha-What happened?" he asked lamely, wishing he had said something more intelligent.

 

Dean smiled at him and yawned a bit, explaining how he had a concussion but had suffered a lot of blood loss. He also explained that he had stayed waiting for Cas to wake up because there was a 60/40 chance and he had never gotten around to asking which was 60 and which was 40 so he didn't take any chances.

 

Castiel smiled softly at him, thanking him quietly and thinking desperately of something to say to diffuse the tension because the only thing he could think of was to play dead and that wouldn't really help him in this case.

 

"We have to stop meeting like this" he joked feebly, his mouth dry and his lips cracked. Dean laughed softly, it really was a sight to see, Dean's smile instantly lit up the room, even though it was only half there.

 

"Hey!" he feigned offense at the joke, "Don't forget that I'm the one who bridal styled your sorry little ass all the way over here mister!" Dean said, still grinning, Castiel's hand lying limp in his as they spoke.

 

"And for that I am grateful," Cas took a dramatic pause, "Master" he did the best bowing motion that he could from laying down and burst into laughter.

The pounding in his head intensified from the raucous laughter but he ignored it, he hadn't laughed this hard in years and the sight of Dean laughing just as hard in front of him was breathtaking. It was such a stupid joke too, both of them were tired so he assumed they weren’t thinking straight. Dean threw his head back and laughed with his entire body... almost... _"glowing"_ Cas realized inwardly.

His laughter died off and he just admired Dean for a few seconds before quietly asking-

 

"Would you ever want to, uh, hang out sometime... or something? I feel like we've met so many times but this is the longest conversation we've ever had and it's been about 45 seconds long." Cas said, looking at his feet wiggle nervously beneath the sheets.

 

"Yeah I agree, pretty weird huh?" Dean said as Cas nodded his head in agreement and the two sat in silence, both thinking of a proposition to meet for the other.

 

“Well Sam and Gabe seem to have hit it off, maybe next time they have a project or something we could just study or something? We are in just about all of the same classes after all." Dean stated a bit sheepishly.

 

"I think that's a great idea. Thanks Dean." Cas said, smiling the most genuine and heartfelt smile he had ever felt on his face in, well, forever. Just as Cas was about to start a new topic, Dr. Milton strolled back into the room and shortly explained that Cas needed sleep. Dean reluctantly got up and stretched his sore legs as he walked slowly to the door,

 

"Really hope you feel better than new soon Cas. I'll see you when I see you I suppose." And with that, Dean was gone, leaving Cas to do nothing but sink into his pillow and sigh like a love struck 12 year old girl as he was pulled under once again by some pretty strong sedatives. He dreamed of Dean, and only Dean.

 

That Monday, Cas was allowed to return to school. After following his routine strictly today and avoiding any altercations, he arrived at the bench just like every day. But today, well today was different because today he would be talking to Dean.  He would be able to actually get to know the person behind those big green eyes and that perfect brown quiff. He knew Dean never rode the bus but that just gave him more time to think. Even the bullies couldn't get to him today. Instead of sleeping on the bus, Castiel let images of smooth jaw lines and perfect lips dance across his mind.

 

The day proceeded normally and Cas really couldn't complain. His classes had been pretty easy today and he hadn't been picked on. Days like this were extremely rare but when you get them you grasp on to them and you never let them go. Or at least, that's what Cas always did. As he walked down the hall after class to go to the bathroom Cas noticed his shoe was untied. He knelt down to tie it and was about to stand back up when he felt a force collide with him and fall over his kneeling form. Cas crouched and covered his head immediately to avoid another concussion.

 

A second later he heard a loud "OOF" and he turned around to see who had just leap frogged him. There he saw Dean lying on his back, face twisted with uncomfortable pain.

 

Cas got up quickly, "Dean? Dean! Dean are you okay?" Cas hurried over to the other side of him so he was crouched next to Dean's feet.

 

Dean groaned a bit and opened his eyes, blinking a few times, probably clearing his vision.

 

"Cas?" he mumbled, clearly still regaining awareness as he slowly got up on his elbows and then stood up completely, holding his hand on his back and rubbing his sore muscles.

 

Cas breathed a sigh of relief when Dean was able to get up alright.

 

"I saw you crouching there and I tried to avoid you but I ended up just flipping over your back, sorry." He said, gritting his teeth painfully.

 

"Nah man, it's okay, I mean if anything I'm just upset that I missed it, it was probably a damn good flip" Castiel said with a smirk.

 

"Ha. Yeah sure was" Dean muttered.

 

"We have to stop meeting like this" Dean grunted with a small smile towards Cas. Cas huffed a laugh but couldn't think of anything to say. After a few seconds Cas' head shot up and he looked Dean straight in the eyes, silently pleading with him and willing him to say yes to his next proposal.

 

"So Dean, I know how we uh, agreed in the hospital you know, to maybe some time get together and like, study or something right?" Cas nervously muttered. Dean nodded and motioned for Cas to continue, still clutching his back.

 

"Well, so I was thinking, would you want to, like, I don't know, study sometime today?" ' _I've missed you so much and I just desperately need you close to me'_ is what Cas was thinking but being himself, there was no way he'd ever be able to say that out loud.

 

Dean smiled a bit and replied, "uh, y-yeah Cas. I would uh; I would like that, yeah." On the outside Cas grinned, on the inside there was a whole freaking parade.

 

"So how about lun-" Cas began to suggest,

 

"Not lunch." Dean cut him off hastily, his face suddenly very serious. Cas was surprised by the reaction but decided not to ask.

 

"So... how about after school at my place then?" Cas suggested.

 

"Okay. Sure. Awesome. Sounds great Cas thanks. I'll see you then." Dean responded in short phrases and was clearly flustered by Cas' mentioning of lunch.

 

He felt guilty but he wasn't exactly sure what he said that set off Dean. He brushed it off as he watched Dean walk away, nearly crying out with happiness as the realization that _Dean Winchester is coming to my house_ set in.

 

**Dean:**

Dean woke up about an hour and a half later and realized he had fallen asleep holding Cas' hand. He knew it should feel strange but it just...didn't. Dean admired Cas as he slept- in the most not creepy, un Edward Cullen way possible, of course- and studied every feature of his face, tracing them with his eyes.

 

After a few minutes Cas started to breathe a little faster and his eyes cracked open just a bit, and you could almost hear the other boy's breath catch when he noticed Dean. Cas looked like he was trying to speak but it came out in a hoarse whisper,

 

"Wha-What happened?" he asked. Stifling a yawn, Dean explained.

 

"Well, you suffered a major concussion but like, apparently it was in this one specific place on your skull that's really unlucky for this kind of trauma or something, you know? And you suffered a lot of blood loss. I would've left because you looked like you had it handled" Dean smiled a little when he said this, signaling to Cas that he wasn't being serious. Fortunately, Cas understood and responded with a grin but stayed quiet, waiting for Dean to finish.

 

"Well, what I was saying was I would've left but Dr. Milton said there was like a 60/40 chance of you waking up and being fine and I forgot to ask which was which." Dean took a breath at the end and realized he had spilled all of that out really quickly and forgotten to breathe. The room was silent for a few seconds as Dean waited to see if Cas would respond.

 

Cas smiled and thanked Dean then paused for a moment before feebly murmuring

 

"We have to stop meeting like this" his mouth dry and his lips cracked, making it hard to speak properly. Dean smiled and laughed half-heartedly, still exhausted from what had happened but glad to see Cas was doing well.

 

"Hey!" he feigned offense at the joke, "Don't forget that I'm the one who bridal styled your sorry little ass all the way over here mister!" Dean said trying to lighten the mood, still grinning, and Castiel's hand lying limp in his as they spoke.

 

Cas smiled and got up on his elbows to respond in his best Igor impression, "And for that I am grateful," Cas took a dramatic pause, "Master" he did a slight bowing motion laying down and they both burst into laughter.

 

Cas' laugh was a wonderful sight; Dean felt a pang in his heart when he realized not many people see this side of Cas. He was smiling so much his face seemed to scrunch up and his eyes disappeared and he was just... _glowing._ Their laughter died off and Dean sat admiring the other boy for a few more seconds before Cas cleared his throat and spoke up, snapping him out of his thoughts.

 

"Would you ever want to, uh, hang out sometime... or something? I feel like we've met so many times but this is the longest conversation we've ever had and it's been about 45 seconds long." Cas said, avoiding Dean's eye contact.

 

"Yeah I agree, pretty weird huh?" Dean replied as Cas nodded his head in agreement. Dean wracked his brain to try and think of a way they could meet without it being too obvious or awkward.

 

"Well" Dean said, breaking the silence, “Sam and Gabe seem to have hit it off, maybe next time they have a project or something we could just study or something? We are in just about all of the same classes after all." Dean stated a bit guiltily, ashamed he had never acted on his feelings until Cas was hospitalized.

 

Dean's heart rose through the clouds when Cas replied with a small smile on his face, "I think that's a great idea. Thanks Dean." Cas said, smiling the most genuine and heartfelt smile Dean could have ever hoped to see.

 

Before Dean could say anything though, Dr. Milton came back into the room and told Dean he needed to get out to let Cas sleep. Dean wasn't that upset because he knew he had a plan. He had a plan to see Blue Eyes soon and he could hardly wait.

 

Yet he still got up reluctantly and stretched his sore legs as he walked slowly to the door, "Really hope you feel better than new soon Cas. I'll see you when I see you I suppose." He said, trying to act cool and nonchalant as he exited the room.

 

Once in the hallway Dean almost had to physically restrain himself from jumping in the air and whooping and heel clicking and what not. He did however; allow himself a single triumphant fist pump in the air. Who would've thought, something actually went kind of right in Dean's life, and for once he managed to keep the thoughts of inevitable abandonment in the back of his head until they went away, probably to return at 2 AM but Dean really couldn't care less.

 

Dean needed to stop. He needed to stop acting like the he had thought of anything else besides Cas since that glorious moment at the hospital. Dean had to stop pretending because frankly, Dean was sick of it. He was sick of hiding his feelings and never showing any weakness, sick of never letting himself feel. Mostly he was sick of acting like there wasn’t a fucking canyon through the middle of his heart with Cas’ name carved into it. To put it simply, Dean had a severe chronic case of emotional constipation.

 

Cas was allowed back in school that Monday and Dean would be lying if he said he didn't miss seeing Cas in the halls and in his classes. He was head over heels for this guy and just to make things better, he made that phrase awkwardly literal during class change on Monday.

 

Dean couldn't complain about how the morning had gone, no surprises was a good situation in his view. The same could be said about his classes that day, boring and long, just like every other day. Dean was looking forward to talking to Cas at some point in the day if he was lucky. He managed not to fall asleep during his first period, which was a major win. He was startled out of his half asleep state when the bell rang and he quickly picked up his books and rushed out of the room, he shared his next core with Cas. He was briefly reminded of something mentioned in one of his Lit classes last week as they were reading a passage or something _"love is just friendship set on fire"_.

 

Dean was vaguely aware of why the thought had burst into his mind but he blushed at the thought of it. He was still conflicted internally when it came to how to go about getting involved with Cas. This didn't feel like a onetime thing, a quick hook up with a chick to get his mind off of his home life but not actually getting close to people. He wanted to get close to Cas. Not only physically but emotionally, he wanted to know every last detail about him and he never wanted to stop learning things about him.

 

Dean almost slapped himself to get rid of the thoughts. "No chick flick moments" he mumbled to himself. As he kept walking, he realized he had passed his locker a while ago and decided to just walk to the bathroom which was close anyway, to wash himself up and clear his mind (and bladder) as he was walking, not completely focused with anything besides his thoughts, Dean looked down abruptly, interrupting the staring contest he'd been having with a poster to see a figure kneeling right in front of him. Just in time he managed to jump to avoid contact but he just managed to trip over the person and do a full front flip over them, landing on the ground with a loud thud.

 

Dean gasped for breath and tried to clear his vision after having the wind knocked out of him. When he regained awareness he heard a soft voice coming from just above his left ear. It sounded concerned, gravelly, it sounded- "Cas?" Dean mumbled, a small smile creeping on his face as he managed to stand up, still breathing strange and holding his sore back.

 

"I saw you crouching there and I tried to avoid you but I ended up just flipping over your back, sorry." Dean said, gritting his teeth painfully.

"Nah man, it's okay, I mean if anything I'm just upset that I missed it, it was probably a damn good flip" Castiel said with a smirk.

 

"Ha. Yeah sure was" Dean muttered. Cas kept Dean's gaze so Dean ignored every impulse in his body and stared right back into those big Blue Eyes. After a moment Dean reluctantly cleared his throat and tried to start a conversation in the tense silence,

 

"We have to stop meeting like this" Dean grunted with a small smile towards Cas. Cas huffed a laugh; Dean hoped Cas understood the joke. Suddenly Cas' head shot up and Dean feared he'd misspoken, until Cas spoke, still holding Dean with that really intense stare, he was pretty sure he'd never be able to shake the tingly feeling he got in his neck when Cas looked at him like that.

 

"So Dean, I know how we uh, agreed in the hospital you know, to maybe some time get together and like, study or something right?" Cas nervously muttered. Dean nodded and motioned for Cas to continue, still clutching his back. "Well, so I was thinking, would you want to, like, I don't know, study sometime today?" Dean resisted the urge to jump up in the air, cheering and whooping, he also resisted the urge to respond with

 

_"screw it, I need you with me and I never want to let you go. I want to wake up next to you so can we just study together every day for the rest of our lives?"_

 

Dean smiled a bit and tried to seem as chill as possible, even though he realized his face was probably leaking excitement and replied, "uh, y-yeah Cas. I would uh; I would like that, yeah." _Smooth Winchester, real smooth._

 

"So how about lun-" Cas began to suggest,

"Not lunch." Dean cut him off hastily; he could feel the color drain out of his face. How could he be so damn stupid? Thinking this could actually work out, of course something would happen.

 

Cas seemed surprised by the reaction but he didn't mention it which gave Dean a shred of hope that this may not be over after all. _Yet_

 

"So... how about after school at my place then?" Cas suggested.

 

"Okay. Sure. Awesome. Sounds great Cas thanks. I'll see you then." Dean responded in short phrases and tried to blink back the tears threatening to fall behind his eyes as he put his head down and quickly walked to his next class, feeling mixed emotions of happy and guilty as well as sad at the prospect of Cas sharing this class and having to face him and drive Cas away with this hell hole titled Dean Winchester's Life.

 

Once inside the room, the teacher was still sitting at the computer waiting for everyone to come in, Dean was a bit early anyway so he decided there was something he just needed to get out. He pulled out a pen and just started writing.

 

 _"Dear Cas,"_ he wrote

 _Love is just friendship set on fire_ he thought as he scribbled his thoughts onto a spare piece of loose leaf,

 

_"One day, I'm gonna hurt you Cas. One day this, whatever this is and whatever we make it will crumble to dust because of me and that's just who I am, that's what I do. What hurts the most is knowing you'll be left to pick up the pieces. It's so freaking dangerous Cas, getting close to me, but for some ungodly reason, you've chosen to give it a shot. So here goes. I'm not the kind of guy you want, I'm not the kind of guy you deserve, you deserve so much more it's not even fathomable, but it looks a bit like you're stuck with me; at least for the time being. I don't even know if you feel the same way because to tell you the truth, I have absolutely no idea what "this" even is, I've never believed in love at first sight and all that bullshit but who knows. You are the love that came without warning; you had my heart before I could say no. But the problem is I can't help it. Even if I spend the entire day with you, I miss the second when you leave. Even though I've only known you for a few weeks, I feel like I've been with you my entire life, and I'm with you till the end of the line man. Wherever that may lead._

_Dean"_

 

He folded up the paper and shoved it in his bag, refusing to think about the words he'd just written. The way Dean has always thought about it, nobody ever has to know how he feels and he likes it that way, he had absolutely no intention of showing this to Cas or anybody else for that matter, but to write it down is like un-corking the bottle a bit and letting just some of himself spill out so he doesn't bubble over the edge and explode.

 

The bell rang and Mrs. Moore stood up and walked over to the whiteboard to begin the lesson as Cas situated himself in his seat just in time. He made eye contact and could feel himself sink into his chair a bit, who was he kidding? Everything falls apart eventually, cities rise and fall like art but Dean has a feeling he's gonna have a hell of a time building this up to fall.


	7. Lunch Dates and-I Can't Do This.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I can't Cas, I can't, I can't do it. I can't. I really really like you Cas, hell, probably more but just, not right now please. I don't want to hurt you; I can't let you see me like this, please. I can't."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> damn author, back at it again with the fluff and the irrelevant memes!
> 
> this chapter is a little spicy, Dean comes clean about his background and it gets pretty angsty I'll warn you in advance. But now that his backstory is established we can have some real fun! 
> 
> *laughs maniacally and points at the 'mental breakdown' tag*
> 
> anyways, this chapter has a lot of firsts and it's quite long but I really hope you enjoy it!
> 
> I love and appreciate any and all comments, every comment you post I'll send you a hug in the mail. 
> 
> Don't worry, I already know where to send it.
> 
> haha... I love you all so much! Thanks for reading

**Castiel:**

 

Cas went to the bathroom to splash a bit of water on his face to calm down a bit. He couldn't just walk into class smiling this hard, it was weird, especially for someone like him who usually never said a word. He walked back to class and sat down just in time for the bell.

 

He saw Dean looking as pale as he had before but it was different, this time he looked like he wanted to say something but couldn't quite get it out, he looked noticeably better when Cas grinned at him and the thought that Cas could possibly make Dean smile set his insides on fire. Castiel didn't want to interrupt the teacher so he kept his mouth shut, grinning when he realized he could talk to Dean as much as he wanted when he was _in Cas' house tonight._ He still couldn't believe it, Cas tried not to let himself think of all the things that could go wrong and instead focus on the words in the textbook in front of him.

 

At the end of class Cas turned around and watched Dean after gathering up his stuff, waiting for him to stand up so they could walk to lunch together. After Dean caught his eye and realized he was waiting he could visibly see Dean's face get brighter.

 

"What're you doin' Cas? Waiting for me or something? Because if so I might just have to pack up more slowly huh?" Dean said with a smirk.

 

"Yeah I suppose so, I don't mind though, gives me a chance to look at you longer." Cas replied without missing a beat, suddenly shocked by his calm demeanor and ability to talk so easily with Dean.

 

Dean laughed softly and slung his bag on his shoulder, weaving through the desks and walking towards the door. Cas followed right behind him, walking next to him and enjoying the closeness without the sound of a heart monitor beeping or anybody in any type of physical pain. Cas noticed Dean had gotten really quiet so he decided to try and lighten the mood.

 

 "So, Dean," he started, _ever the charmer_ , he thought bitterly,

 

"what um, what subject were you thinking we could uh focus on when we-"

 

"Cas I'm sorry but I can't do this right now," Dean cut him off and stopped walking, looking Cas in the eye, his face ashen as Cas wondered what was wrong for the hundredth time.

 

Cas faltered and tried to stutter out a response but he couldn't.  What had he said wrong? It had only been a few wonderful minutes and he’d already managed to screw all of this up. Typical.

 

Dean closed his eyes as if he were in pain and started to walk in the opposite direction towards the exit doors to the parking lot. Cas fell in step with him again,

 

"Dean where are you going? The quad is that way what are you-" Cas was cut off again as Dean's voice, now tight and weary interrupted him again.

 

"I can't Cas, I can't, I can't do it. I can't. I really _really_ like you Cas, hell, probably more but just, not right now please. I don't want to hurt you; I can't let you see me like this, please. I can't." Dean spoke so softly Cas wasn't sure if he was talking to Cas or himself.

 

"Dean, Dean what are you talking about, where are you going Dean come on talk to me please," Cas had to speed up as Dean started walking faster. He tried to ignore the drumbeat of his heart hammering in his chest as he thought about what Dean had just said, but he didn’t have a chance to dwell on it.

 

"Dean please, you can't do what? What can't you do? Just tell me please!" Cas pleaded. Suddenly Dean stopped walking and fell against a concrete wall outside in the parking lot, sliding down it after having dropped his bag on the ground. He wrapped his arms around his legs and rested his forehead on his knees. Cas' eyes were wide and he had no idea what to do as he saw Dean's shoulders give a small, silent sob. Cas knelt down next to him, not sure what to expect.

 

"Dean? Dean you need to tell me what's wrong. Please Dean I just want to help you." Cas spoke softly and kept his face close to Dean's so he could hear him.

 

"I- I can't Cas. I can't do this. You're so perfect and beautiful and funny and I just can't. I thought I was ready, I really did Cas, but I'm not."

 

"Dean what are you talking about? You're the most amazing person I've ever had the privilege of meeting, what are you talking about? Why can't you do this? I feel like a broken record I'm sorry but I-"

 

"I can't do this Cas! I can't do this because they're dead! They're both fucking rotting in the ground and they're never coming back okay! They're dead and it's my fault! I fucking killed them! And now, now you come waltzing in here and I'm expected to just not screw it up, to not screw you up. I can't do it Cas! It's just too much. And now im here sitting on the ground and blubbering like a fucking kid and I’ only making it worse." Suddenly Dean was shouting and Cas was grateful nobody was outside.

 

Dean stood abruptly and tried to hide his face as he wiped his eyes with his trembling hand. Cas had no idea what to say so he did the only thing he could think of. Cas slowly stood up and looked Dean straight in the eye, pulling him into a tight hug, relieved when he felt Dean's shoulders heave as he cried into his shoulder.

 

They stood like that for a long time, both reluctant to let go of this hug that just meant so much while saying so little. Castiel knew he would hear the full story eventually but Dean was in no state to tell it and Cas wasn't going to push him. After Dean had dried his face he repeatedly apologized, keeping his head low.

 

"I'm so sorry Cas, I'm usually able to control when I get like that or at least go to the bathroom and lock the stall. I'm really sorry" Dean said, trying to regain his composure.

 

"You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about Dean. Shut up." Cas said, attempting a small smile.

 

Dean grinned weakly and picked up his backpack and started walking towards his car. Castiel stood there for a moment, debating whether or not he should let him go, ultimately deciding if there was anything in life he wasn't going to ever let go of, it was Dean.

 

He jogged to catch up with him and Dean sighed when he realized Cas wasn't going to give in.

 

"Well, this is more of a third date kinda thing you know, but I suppose there is something I needed to show you." Cas nodded his head silently and got in the car, wondering what Dean had to show him and if it had something to do with how he had acted when Cas had brought up lunch earlier.

 

They drove for about 10 minutes and Cas realized they would probably be pretty late coming back but he couldn't find it in himself to care very much. They had arrived at the local cemetery and Castiel had just started putting 2 and 2 together.

 

Dean got out of the car and wordlessly opened the trunk and grabbed 2 large stones as he began to walk towards a very large oak tree in the middle of the graveyard. Cas got out of the car slowly and walked behind him. It felt wrong to do this, as if he was imposing on something personal to Dean, but it also felt intimate and trusting and Cas appreciated it.

 

Soon they found themselves in front of 2 much decorated headstones. One reading

 

"Mary Winchester, December 5, 1954 - November 2, 2003" and the other, "John Winchester May 17, 1954 - July 19, 2006"

 

Cas felt a sinking feeling in his chest as he watched Dean sit in the grass in front of his parents and lay the stones down, 1 in front of each headstone. Without turning around Dean spoke for the first time in what seemed like days.

 

"She was 29," Dean said quietly, "She fell down the stairs because-" Dean's voice cracked a bit and he paused to take a breath.

 

Cas sat down beside him and slowly rested his head on Dean's shoulder. Dean sighed softly and leaned in to the touch, willing himself to continue.

 

"Because I had a soccer game. I had some stupid game and I was getting upset because she was taking too long, I didn't- I didn't want to be late. I remember I kept yelling from downstairs, asking her to hurry up. she tripped on one of Sammy's toys and..." Dean took a deep breath before continuing. "I loved her so much. She was my entire world. I never really got to tell her. She was gone before the ambulance showed up."

 

"Dean I am so sorry I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. I don't even know what to say." Cas said, a few tears falling onto Dean's shoulder.

 

"You don't have to say anything Cas. Just, please just stay" Dean said, his voice soft and needy.

 

"There's no place on earth I'd rather be Dean." Cas replied softly. Dean sighed and scooted closer to Cas, taking a deep breath before starting again.

 

"My father was, well he was a Marine. He did his best but I think he expected me to be his little soldier and it killed me that I could never live up to his expectations. After Mom died, well, he was a wreck to say the least. She was his rock; you know? After that he didn't come home some nights and when he did he reeked of hard liquor.

“He wasn't as... tolerant as he had been before either. He also got a lot more physical. But he was our dad, you know? I still loved him because I never realized what he was doing was wrong; I always thought it was my fault, that I had screwed up and deserved it. One day he got a bit carried away."

 

Cas' breath caught in his throat and he curled his fist into Dean's shirt, leaning on him.

 

"I don't remember exactly what had happened before but I remember he grabbed my jacket hoodie and held me over the stairs, I kicked and I screamed and I yelled and suddenly he let go. It wasn't a very bad fall but I didn't open my eyes once I was on the ground because I didn't want him to keep hurting me. I never thought he would..."

 

Dean drew in a shaky breath and gently laced his fingers through Cas' and squeezed his hand.

 

"A few seconds later he came running down the stairs and he knelt over me, I think he was too drunk to feel me breathing because a few minutes later he had put a bullet through his own skull. I guess he couldn't handle the thought of having killed his own son and lost his wife too. So that's it I guess, feel free to leave whenever you realize you've been spending time with a human shit tornado of messed up. Honestly it's probably contagious."

 

Dean sighed and lowered his head, trying to blink away tears. Cas felt the butterflies in his stomach fade away as he put his finger under Dean's chin and lifted his head up, looking him in the eye. He wasn't nervous anymore, he knew what to do, and he surrounded himself with the smell, the feeling, everything about Dean and let it wash over him. He slowly brought his face in and gently pressed their lips together, Cas loved the soft feeling of Dean's lips and instantly he knew this was where he belonged. This, Dean, this was home.

 

Dean pulled back after a moment and looked straight at Cas, his pupils blown wide and his lips parted.

 

"Unfortunately for you," Cas whispered, "I have absolutely no intention of ever letting you go."

 

He smiled and kissed Dean's freckled nose and looked into those beautiful green eyes.

 

"Can I tell you something kind of dumb though?" Cas asked softly.

 

"Shoot" Dean said, still looking at Cas adoringly.

 

"The way the light hits your eyes is honestly my favorite thing in the world and I don't think I'll ever be over it." Cas said with a small grin.

 

Dean smiled, "My god Cas, you're such a fucking sap." He giggled and leaned in to press another soft kiss to Cas' lips.

 

Cas' pushed back with a bit more enthusiasm and soon he found himself lying on top of Dean and resting his head on Dean's chest, listening to his heartbeat and trying to process what had just happened.

 

"Well Cas," Dean said, breaking the silence, his voice a bit hoarse from all the yelling and crying,

 

"Now that you've heard the Winchester Gospel, tell me something about yourself, I feel like I'm entitled seeing as you just attacked me with your lips." Dean smiled and kissed Cas along his jaw to his ear.

 

Cas thought for a moment before whispering, "Well, I'm very strong, just like an ant. Ants can lift 10 times their own weight. I can also lift 10 times an ant's weight. There. You're welcome. And if I recall, you attacked me right back." Cas grinned from ear to ear, clearly proud of himself.

 

They both erupted into laughter and Cas had never realized how much he loved making Dean laugh, it was the most beautiful thing in the world and the rays of the sun shone from him whenever he tipped his head back and smiled that oh so contagious smile and laughed that indescribable unicorn laugh.

 

Cas stopped laughing for a moment and stared fondly at Dean, trying to wrap his head around how any of this made sense, how the most perfect human on Earth, this miracle of life had managed to have such a screwed up life and think themselves dirt, whereas Cas wouldn't even be surprised to find Dean actually hung the moon and stars all in one night.

 

"Dean, I don't ever want you to think you're not everything to me and more, because it isn't true. Whenever you feel like crap or you try and tell yourself you aren't worth it, get this image in your mind." Cas leaned over so he was directly facing Dean and spelled out b-u-l-l-s-h-I-t with animated gestures, making Dean laugh.

 

"Yeah, thanks Cas, I'll be sure to uh, I'll be sure to keep that image in mind. Thanks." Dean grinned and Cas jabbed him in the ribs with his elbow for being sarcastic, leaning his head on Dean's shoulder again, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly.

 

"So, I take it we aren't going back to school huh?" he said, he didn't really care either way.

 

"Not unless you have some burning desire to hand in that trig assignment." Dean said with a bitter laugh.

 

"We could go back to my place," Cas suggested,

 

"Luci's not ho- I mean, the house is empty so we could just chill out until you need to go home. Do you need to drive your brother home?" Cas had seen Sam around campus before and figured they were really close, he felt a pang of envy at how well these brothers got along.

 

"Yeah, if it's cool with you I could just drop by the school in a few hours to take him home and come back if you aren't sick of me yet." Dean replied

 

Cas leaned in to kiss Dean again, just because he could and he wouldn’t get over how quickly things had escalated but he never wanted to stop. Soon they got up and walked back to the car, fingers laced together.

 

 

**Dean:**

At the end of class Dean was in a hurry to pack up his stuff to make sure he had time before lunch ended. As he was packing he noticed Cas staring at him, clearly waiting for him to finish. Dean sighed inwardly, questioning why Cas was still getting close to Dean, despite the clear warning signs.

 

Dean decided he had a bit of time to spare and put on a show of packing his books extra slowly. He tried to muster up enough confidence to play it cool in front of Cas but today hadn't been easy.

 

"What're you doin' Cas? Waiting for me or something? Because if so I might just have to pack up more slowly huh?" Dean said with a smirk.

 

"Yeah I suppose so, I don't mind though, gives me a chance to look at you longer." Cas replied without missing a beat, Dean was shocked by how easily he fell into rhythm with Cas, talking and bantering as if they'd been close their entire lives.

 

Dean laughed softly and slung his bag on to his shoulder, his face falling a bit when he realized it was their lunch period. Nobody ever really hung out with Dean much after class so he'd never had to worry about this much before but his face fell when he realized he didn't know how to get out of this. He could feel his chest start to tighten a bit, today had already been a pretty crappy day, minus the moments of pure sunshine when Cas was there, and Dean was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to handle much more without having an attack.

 

He suddenly got pretty quiet and weaved through the desks toward the door. He heard Cas grab his backpack and fall into step behind him, taking larger strides to be able to walk side by side with Dean. Dean had to throw him off somehow and he was wracking his brain to figure out a plan; he walked in the direction of the cafeteria so Cas wouldn't get suspicious.

 

"So, Dean," Cas began, Dean sighed, Cas continued talking but he wasn't really listening.

 

He didn't want to hurt Cas but he could already feel his chest start to tighten and he knew he only had a few minutes and there were no bathrooms to lock himself in anywhere nearby.

 

"Cas I'm sorry but I can't do this right now," Dean blurted out, cutting him off as they stopped walking. He looked Cas in the eyes, silently begging him to understand. Cas looked startled, confused, Dean couldn't stand seeing him like that; he never wanted to see Cas without that dorky smile on his face.

 

Dean closed his eyes painfully to shut out the image of pure hurt on Cas' face and turned sharply, walking towards the parking lot; just like every other day at lunch time, although he was a bit late today.

 

Dean heard the sound of footsteps jogging into place right next to Dean again and he could already feel his hands start to shake, his throat start to close. Cas was saying something, something about the quad, but Dean could only hear ringing in his ears as his eyes screwed shut. _No_ he thought _no this isn't supposed to happen, please no, not in front of him please, this can't happen._ Dean interrupted whatever Cas had been stuttering and spoke weakly, his mind racing and barely processing what he was saying,

 

"I can't Cas, I can't, I can't do it. I can't. I really _really_ like you Cas, hell, probably more but just, not right now please. I don't want to hurt you; I can't let you see me like this, please. I can't." Dean spoke so softly his words were barely audible but Cas' stunned silence let him know he heard him.

 

Cas pleaded with him to explain, trying to understand what was happening, it was all becoming too much, Dean felt as if hundreds of voices were yelling at him at once and he couldn't take it, he just wanted to go talk to his parents, was that too much to ask? Cas kept begging him and Dean found himself sliding down the side of a wall, curling himself up and letting out a silent, shuddery sob. Realizing it was too late to form an image of himself for Cas, he made the decision to tear a few of his walls down, just this once.

 

Cas knelt down next to him; Dean wanted to reach out and touch him, hug him, squeeze him, feel the warmth of his body and never let him go.

 

"Dean? Dean you need to tell me what's wrong. Please Dean I just want to help you." Cas spoke softly and kept his face close to Dean's so he could hear him.

 

"I- I can't Cas. I can't do this. You're so perfect and beautiful and funny and I just can't. I thought I was ready, I really did Cas, but I'm not." Dean wasn't sure where this was going but it felt...right, somehow. Even if it resulted in Cas running for the hills because Dean was fifty shades of messed up.

 

"Dean what are you talking about? You're the most amazing person I've ever had the privilege of meeting, what are you talking about? Why can't you do this? I feel like a broken record I'm sorry but I-" Dean ignored what Cas had said, it was pity, he was pitying the broken, pathetic crying boy in front of him and Dean knew it was nothing more than that.

 

"I can't do this Cas! I can't do this because they're dead! They're both fucking rotting in the ground and they're never coming back okay! They're dead and it's my fault! I fucking killed them!" Dean was tearing apart inside and he found he was suddenly shouting.

 

His insides felt like they were on fire. He'd never told anyone this before and he knew there was no going back. He stood up sharply and hid his face in shame, waiting for Cas to leave so he could just leave. A few seconds later Dean felt a hand on his shoulder and slowly Cas pressed his body tightly against Dean's, he leaned in to the warmth, he had dreamed of being this close to Cas, but not like this. He rested his forehead on Cas' shoulder and was surprised by how safe he felt. _Home_ he thought as he wept into the boy's shoulder.

 

They stood like that for a long time, both reluctant to let go of this hug that just meant so much while saying so little. After Dean had dried his face he decided he was going to go, and if Cas wanted to follow then he has the right to know, if not, well...

 

"I'm so sorry Cas, I'm usually able to control when I get those episodes or at least go to the bathroom and lock the stall. I'm really sorry"

 

"You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about Dean. Shut up." Cas said, attempting a small smile. Dean grinned weakly and picked up his backpack and started walking towards his car. A part of him prayed that Cas would follow but it was a few moments before he heard the patter of footsteps rushing behind him.

 

"Well, this is more of a third date kinda thing you know, but I suppose there is something I needed to show you." Dean said, attempting to be funny as he got into the car, nodding at Cas as he sat shotgun.

 

They drove in silence until they pulled up onto the old dirt road in front of the cemetery. Dean walked over to where they lay and placed the stones on each of their headstones, just as he did every Monday.

 

Dean spoke softly and explained what had happened that terrible July afternoon. Cas leaned his head on Dean's shoulder as he took a deep breath and paused in between sentences. Dean placed his head on top of Cas' and leaned in to the touch.

 

"She was 29," Dean said quietly, "She fell down the stairs because-" Dean's voice cracked a bit and he paused to take a breath. "because I had a soccer game. I had some stupid game and I was getting upset because she was taking too long, I didn't- I didn't want to be late. I remember I kept yelling from downstairs, asking her to hurry up. she tripped on one of Sammy's toys and..."

 

Dean took a deep breath before continuing.

 

"I loved her so much. She was my entire world. I never really got to tell her. She was gone before the ambulance showed up." Cas apologized quietly, his voice thick and wet and Dean realized they both must have been crying.

 

"You don't have to say anything Cas. Just, please just stay" Dean said, his voice soft and needy.

 

"There's no place on earth I'd rather be Dean." Cas replied softly. Dean sighed and scooted closer to Cas, taking a deep breath before starting again.

 

"My father was, well he was a marine," Dean continued for a few more minutes, trying to suppress the more painful memories of his father when he was alive. When Dean reached the part where John had lost his temper Cas had made a small noise and curled his fist into Dean's shirt, leaning even closer to him than before. Dean never wanted this feeling to go away, he had never felt so safe, so loved, regardless of whether or not he felt he deserved it, it was there. Dean drew in a shaky breath and gently laced his fingers through Cas' and squeezed his hand.

 

"A few seconds later he came running down the stairs and he knelt over me, I think he was too drunk to feel me breathing because a few minutes later he had put a bullet through his own skull. I guess he couldn't handle the thought of having killed his own son and lost his wife too. So that's it I guess, feel free to leave whenever you realize how messed up I am. Honestly it's probably contagious."

 

Dean sighed and lowered his head, trying to blink away tears.  A part of him knew Cas wouldn't leave but he at least had to give him a chance to get out of this before it was too late, for both of them. Cas lifted his head and tipped Dean's chin up gently, staring confidently into Dean's eyes.

 

He slowly brought his face in and gently pressed their lips together, Dean couldn't believe it, he was actually kissing Cas, Cas was actually kissing him, he had thought about this moment but the sparks shooting around him and the heat pooling in his stomach were nothing you could imagine.

 

Dean pulled back after a moment and looked straight at Cas, his pupils blown wide and his lips parted.

 

"Unfortunately for you," Cas whispered, "I have absolutely no intention of ever letting you go."

 

He smiled and kissed Dean's nose sweetly, as if they'd been married for years.

 

"Shoot" Dean said, still lost in his own mind when Cas asked if he could say something, trying to study the moment and never let it go.

 

"The way the light hits your eyes is honestly my favorite thing in the world and I don't think I'll ever be over it." Cas said with a small grin. Dean smiled,

 

"My god Cas, you're such a fucking sap." He giggled and leaned in to press another soft kiss to Cas' lips. Soon they were rolling on the grass, giggling and kissing like a couple of middle school girls, Dean carded his fingers through Cas' hair and instantly wondered how he'd lived his life before Cas, the feeling of being near him, of seeing him, of smelling him, of touching him, it washed over Dean and clouded his senses, leaving nothing but blue. After a few minutes they lay still and Cas rested his head on Dean's chest, closing his eyes and breathing deeply, they both savored the moment.

Dean had never felt happier than how he felt walking back to the Impala, fingers laced within Castiel's and rubbing his thumb along his Cas' knuckles. This was the best feeling in the world and Dean never wanted to forget how it felt.

 


	8. Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wanted to shatter the walls of his own mind. This was too much. This couldn't be happening, not him. Anyone but him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING UPDATE: SELF HARM AND HOMOPHOBIC SLURS as well as REFERENCES TO ABUSE**
> 
> sorry I forgot to put this in the notes, I apologize to the 10 people who read it without the warning. 
> 
> this gets really intense really fast good lord  
> shit hits the fan and flies around splattering on the walls  
> its super angsty but that's what you signed up for
> 
> the calm before the storm,,,
> 
> the next chapter has some closure and ties up a few loose ends.  
> I hope you like it though, I could never go back and edit because it always messes with me so this is verbatim from like a year ago
> 
> please comment any thoughts or feedback I love you all and I promise the angst will be over soon and will lead to extremely fluffy shit with music and cuddling and yes

**Castiel:**

 

Cas was anxious as they got back in the car, not sure how to go on after that. They slumped in their seats a bit, sitting in silence for a moment before Dean spoke up, a grin on his face.

 

"So," he said, "We still on for that, uh, study date?" he asked smiling devilishly.

 

Castiel leaned over the center console and captured Dean's lips with his own, only pulling back to whisper,

 

"I wouldn't miss a date with you for the world, Winchester."

 

They arrived at the house and needless to say, not much studying was going on. By the time Dean's phone went off, signaling Sam was probably in need of a ride, Cas pulled back from Dean's lips, appreciating how beautiful he looked in the light filtering through the half closed window, his hair askew and his pupils dilated as his lips parted. Dean looked at him apologetically and looked at his phone on the table. Cas yawned and nodded with a smile, telling Dean he didn't mind.

 

"It's probably just Sammy but I should still check..." Dean said, still looking at Cas with round eyes, feeling horrible for ruining their moment. Cas laughed softly and leaned over to kiss Dean's neck,

 

"Shut up Dean, I honestly don't mind. I'm gonna go to the bathroom and wash up, it's getting late." Castiel rolled out of bed and padded to the bathroom, straightening his shirt and studying himself in the mirror.

 

His wide smile faded as he looked at his face. He traced his fingers gently along his face, poking his cheeks and tracing his lips. What could Dean possibly see in him? A cloud of anxious worry rose in his mind, this was so much more than just a bit of kissing in the afternoon and Cas knew it. He had a far too problematic past and was just so messed up in so many ways. He could feel himself falling in love with Dean and it scared him to death. He knew he would mess it up somehow and he couldn't bear to lose Dean like that.

 

He clutched his forearm and tried to bring his focus back in my digging his fingernails into the already tender skin. Cas snapped himself out of his thoughts as he remembered that for now, he had the love of his life sitting in his bedroom and he wasn't about to let this go to waste. Castiel walked back out to the room after splashing some water on his face.

 

Castiel sat cross legged on the bed, Dean's legs on either side of him. He traced his fingers lightly along Dean's shins and ankles and tried to memorize the moment, to hold on to it for as long as he could. Dean blinked up at him and his face broke into a smile. He pushed himself into a sitting position, pushing his feet together around Castiel’s body so his heels pressed into the lower small of Cas' back. Cas brought his knees up and put his arms around them, resting his chin on the top of his knee, just gazing into Dean's eyes.

 

"Cas-" Dean started, "Dean I'm useless." Cas mumbled. Dean was left in open mouthed shock and was speechless as Cas continued,

 

"I can't keep pretending I have problems that matter, that I matter, when there are such extraordinarily beautiful people like you who have been through more than I could ever even fathom. You went through actual hell and you came out the other end stronger, and so, so beautiful, in your body and your soul Dean, but me? I created this hell around me and- and I let it win. I came out the other side broken and shattered, and I know it's infectious. So just know that you're everything to me Dean, I need you with every ounce of my being but I can't bear to see you hurt. I don't know what to do Dean; I don't deserve you and I just don't want to break you too." Cas didn't realize he was on the verge of tears until he had to wipe off some of the tears slipping down his face and onto the sheets between them.

 

Dean was still speechless for a few more seconds. He managed to close his mouth eventually but Castiel became extremely worried Dean would hit him because his face began getting redder and redder. Suddenly Dean burst out and his voice was cracking, _he's about to cry_ , Cas realized. That hurt even more, the knowledge that Cas had put Dean in this much pain was like being shot in the knee.

 

"You stupid son of a bitch! Cas how on Earth could you think that? None of that- None of that is true Cas! You're not broken Cas! And you sure as hell aren't useless! How hard is it for you to see that? You're the most beautiful creature on this planet and yet you can barely look in the mirror! If anyone here is broken it's me! I'm not trying to one-up you or anything Cas but c'mon, look at me! I'm about to sound like a sap but if it helps snap you out of this complete nonsense then I don't care!"

 

Dean stopped shouting and took a breath, tipping up Castiel's chin to stare him straight in the eyes, Cas was basically sobbing at this point and his eyes were big and round. Dean's voice softened a bit as he started again,

 

"Cas, no amount of words can explain how much you mean to me. I have no idea how to explain it but it's more than that, stronger than that; I'm drawn to you. It feels like we're connected, you are, always have been, and always will be the other half of me. In such a short amount of time it seems so blatantly obvious that without you I'm not really sure where I'd be, I just- I need you so much more than you will ever understand Cas. If I ever- _ever_ hear you say those things about yourself again, so help me god I'll kiss you so hard you won't be able to talk for, like, a week."

 

Dean tried to end on a lighter note. Both boys had now shed a few tears, Cas shifted and brought Dean into a tight hug, his shoulders shaking as he held on to the other boy for dear life.

 

"I suppose I'll have to take you up on that offer sometime," Cas said with a weak smile. Dean wiped his eyes and grinned softly, leaning in to press his lips against the other boy's lips, whispering,

 

"Don't worry about that, I intend to do it regardless."

 

A few minutes later, Cas checked his watch and realized Lucifer would be home any minute. He rushed Dean out the door, giving him one final good bye kiss, and then closing the door behind him.

 

Once Dean had pulled out of the driveway, Cas realized how full Dean had made him feel and remembered how empty he had gotten used to feeling. All the thoughts came flooding back, the hatred, his complete lack of self-worth, the sudden emptiness came back so quickly that Cas couldn't handle it, he felt so _hollow._ He wobbled upstairs with a choked sob. It felt as if someone else were controlling his body and movements Marionette style.

 

He shakily opened his drawer and found the only true companion he would always have by his side. He couldn't believe he had just had one of the best days of his life, yet all he could think of was hurting himself. It was so sick and pathetic and the thought made Cas even more disgusted with himself. Castiel sat in the bathtub with his clothes on and cried, he felt like a stereotypical teenage kid, drawing a couple lines across his wrists and watching the blood drip to the bottom of the tub. It was disgusting but Cas preferred this shit storm whirling in his head and the pain on his wrists over looking at his scarred forearm, the skin white and taut. It had been years since the fire after all, but with thin white lines etched along it. It calmed him a bit and he didn't really even feel the pain until a few minutes afterwards.

 

Whatever pain he felt was a small price to pay for what he'd done and the pain he’d caused all those years ago though. Eventually he cleaned off the blood and fell asleep in the bathtub; Cas had the worst nightmares of his life that night.

 

The nightmare was always the same. Paralyzed, naked, and cold. The masked man would come closer with the knife, making sweeping movements to music only he could hear. He would be closer, and then further away and then closer again. But this time, the man finally took off his mask, revealing the twisted face of his eldest brother, then suddenly it turned to static and changed into his father's face, then Lucifer, and suddenly Castiel was bleeding. The man just looked at him with the face of each member of his family as Cas could feel his insides being ripped apart. He screamed out in agony and tried to will himself to wake up but he couldn't even make a noise. The pain was so _real_ that there was no way this could be a dream. Suddenly the face became blurry again and was warped again. Cas couldn't stop screaming. He screamed at the top of his lungs and then he screamed even louder, he wanted to shatter the walls of his own mind. This was too much. This couldn't be happening, not him. Anyone but him.

 

After a few seconds, Cas felt like he was dragging himself out of mud and he managed to move his arms and legs, he should've killed the man right then and there, stopped him from torturing him and driving him insane. Instead, Cas wiped the tears off of his face and he ran. He ran and he ran and he ran, he didn't stop running until he woke up, sweating and crying, he felt himself about to scream but he shoved his fist into his mouth so as to not wake Lucifer. Biting down on his fist Cas hunched over and sobbed into his lap, eyes screwed shut and fists curling into the sheets.

 

The man had worn Dean's face.

 

**Dean:**

Once they got back to Cas' house, not much studying went on; in fact, neither boys even brought their backpacks upstairs. Soon Dean's phone buzzed and he knew he should check it, just to be safe but he never wanted to let go of Cas. Soon he pulled away and just appreciated how stunning Cas looked, probably without even realizing it. Cas assured him he didn't mind and Dean pecked him gratefully as he went to the bathroom, leaning over to check his notifications.

**Sam:** _Dean, where the hell r u? What happened?_

**Dean:** _Don't worry about it man, u need a ride or what?_

**Sam:** _it's ok, I'll ask Gabe. Just don't get anyone pregnant._

**Dean:** _sure thing Sammy *insert winky face emoji*_

 

Dean grinned and rolled over in bed as Cas went to the bathroom, he sighed softly, trying not to think about how this would all blow up in his face, probably sooner rather than later. He isn't able to wallow in these thoughts for long as Cas soon returns from the bathroom, he is still smiling but something is off, his eyes are a bit dark, Dean recognized the look but he decided not to mention it.

 

Castiel sat cross legged on the bed, Dean's legs on either side of him. He traced his fingers lightly along Dean's shins and ankles. Dean shifted a bit, Cas' touch felt good but it also tickled, a lot. He pushed himself into a sitting position, pushing his feet together around Cas' body so his heels pressed into the lower small of Cas' back. Cas brought his knees up and put his arms around them, resting his chin on the top of his knee. Dean couldn't help but think how beautiful Cas was, then he realized beautiful was an understatement in his eyes, and he struggled to find a word to comprehend how Cas made him feel, but he couldn't. Dean just sat there silently studying Cas, wishing life could be different and this wasn't all so difficult.

 

Castiel's face suddenly got a lot darker and he spoke, the words Dean could hardly believe were coming from this piece of treasure. Dean sat awestruck until Cas had finished and even for a few moments after that.

 

He couldn't believe Cas could possibly think all of those things. Useless? Broken? Dean had no idea how to even begin to express to Cas how wrong he was but he knew he had to try. He hadn't realized how angry he was until his voice came in a shout, Cas looked terrified and lowered his head. Dean realized he didn't want to scare him so he spoke a bit more gently the next time,

 

"Cas, no amount of words can explain how much you mean to me. I have no idea how to explain it but it's more than that, stronger than that; I'm drawn to you."

 

Once he had started he knew how self-conscious and embarrassed he would feel later about spilling a part of himself but he couldn't find it in himself to care. All that mattered was that Cas knew he was valued, that he was needed, and although Dean knew he could never have the courage to tell him, Cas was loved.

 

Eventually Cas told Dean he needed to leave because his brothers would be coming home soon. Reluctantly, Dean stood up and rushed downstairs and out the door, kissing Cas goodbye. There was so much he wanted to say, to reassure him, to hold him and never let him go, to make him feel safe; all he got was a stuttered

 

"G-goodb-"

 Before Cas closed the door in his face, probably unaware Dean was trying to say something. Dean smiled weakly and walked back to the Impala, lost in thought and kicking stones into the grass along the paved driveway. Eventually Dean made it to the car; he got in and pulled out, driving home with a glassy look in his eyes. That had been an emotional train wreck, no doubt, but Dean wasn't sure how his body intended to cope with the sudden resurfacing of all of those memories he'd suppressed for years. Even worse was how Dean feared for Cas, Dean had had no idea Cas hated himself that much, it goes without saying now, Dean could see it in the boy's eyes and it terrified him. It was baffling to him and he felt helpless, he could yell and scream and shout that Cas was beautiful at the top of his lungs but he knew from experience that just telling someone and showing them they're loved doesn't always help or change their mind and thoughts. You can say it in their ears but it doesn't always translate to their eyes when they look in the mirror, and that's what hurt Dean to the core.

 

Once home, Dean went through his ritual of taking a deep breath, closing his eyes, and running up the stairs and not opening his eyes until he felt carpet. The habit had formed when he was quite young and although he probably didn't need to continue doing it, it made him feel safe so why not?

 

After scrolling around on the internet for a few hours, Dean realized he had school tomorrow and that it was in his best interests to at least get those 4 hours. He turned off the lamp and put his arms tightly around his pillow, a part of him wishing Cas was beside him.

 

That night, Dean dreamt of terrible things, sure he had nightmares pretty often but these, these were horrifying. Dean had first had a dream that he saw Cas, bleeding and broken and screaming at the bottom of a long winding staircase, Dean didn't hesitate and began sprinting down the stairs, except they just kept going, Cas was screaming in agony and somewhere Dean could hear his own father laughing darkly, Dean kept running,

 

"Cas! Cas!" he screamed, his father began to laugh harder and then the disembodied voice of his father turned sour and it spoke,

 

"Did I raise a freakin fag Dean? Is this what I worked for? What Mary died for? You're garbage Dean! You're a worthless piece of trash and he knows it!"

 

Dean desperately tried to ignore him and just kept running, his breath in shallow ragged puffs as his legs began to burn and ache.

 

"Stop screamin' you pussy! He cant _hear_ you!" his father screamed. The sound of breaking bottles was loud in the distance. No, this couldn't be John, he was awful but eh would never, he would never. Dean repeated this over and over to himself, trying to convince himself this was just a dream. None of this was real; Cas, Cas was real and he needed saving.

 

His father taunted as Dean just kept running, still hearing Cas crying out from the bottom of the stairs, wherever that was. Dean covered his ears with his hands but he could still hear the voice loud and clear,

 

"no. no no no no no" he muttered, trying to run faster to escape the voice.

 

Suddenly his head was flung to the side as if he had just been punched. Then it happened again, and again, then once in the gut, there was no one near him but he just kept getting hit, soon he was spitting blood as he continued to run, more out of fear at this point, fear of what would happen if he stopped running. Dean screamed and screamed, screwing his eyes shut as more bruises and cuts appeared on his body. Soon he felt himself stumbling down the last few flights of stairs, finally reaching the bottom, only to find Cas lying there, lifeless.

 

Dean curled up and put his face against the ground, still feeling the force of being beaten to a pulp, his voice was gone from screaming and he could do nothing else but sob and try to ignore the mantra of his father's never ending taunts.

 

Soon Dean woke up, crying and sore, even though he hadn't actually been punched. Dean wobbled out of bed trying to go to the bathroom to calm himself down, but his vision was blurry because of the tears and his hand slipped on the banister next to the bathroom stairs. Dean slipped and fell headfirst down the stairs. Once he had reached the bottom, he heard someone screaming, he tried to look up to see if it was Sammy, to make sure he was okay, but then he realized it wasn't Sammy screaming, it was him, he couldn't even get himself to stop.

 

Dean clutched his stomach and curled up with his knees folded under him and his back to the ceiling, still crying as he waited for the dream to be over. It wasn't until he heard the sound of Sam's rushed footsteps down the stairs and a hand on his back that he realized this wasn't a dream. He could hear Sam calling out his name but it sounded vague, distant, as if he wasn't standing right next to him. Dean stayed curled up as Sam gripped his shoulders, trying to heave him into a standing position. He was still screaming as if he was being attacked by an invisible force. After a few minutes Dean had calmed down a bit and managed to stand up, he took a few deep breaths and opened his eyes. The first thing he saw was Sam's concerned face, then he saw the stairs behind Sam's head, and he leaned over and fell to his knees, retching and dry heaving until he threw up all over the floor and then wobbled over to the couch and passed out.

 

After Dean had regained consciousness a few seconds later, he saw Sam sitting cross legged facing Dean's feet at the end of the couch. Dean sat up and tried to apologize but Sam didn't let him.

 

"There's nothing to apologize for Dean," he had said it in such a final way that Dean understood there was no arguing it.

 

Dean leaned over and gave Sam his signature 'I wouldn't survive without you' bro hug and thanked him. Dean knew he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep but still he laid down and tried to pretend, if nothing else, at least for Sammy. Once he thought it was safe Dean just lay with his eyes open, watching the clock and waiting for sunlight to filter in through the windows, signaling the start of yet another day.

 


	9. Meltdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Come on, don't be a pussy Dean they're just stairs." He muttered to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope all of you are having a better few weeks than i have gee golly it's been rough. I just wanted to make sure I get this chapter out before something bad happens or I lose motivation, whichever comes first. 
> 
> school and home have been hell lately, had a panic attack in the shower and it just feels like I'm walking around with lead in my chest but it's okay im fine :)))))
> 
> anyway sorry for that just wanted to let you guys know 
> 
> -end author's annoying life updates that nobody asked for-
> 
> this chapter adds a bit of clarity and i promise i promise i promise it's gonna get so much better and so much *fluffier* really soon so just hang in there kids
> 
> anyway, I love you all, your comments and kudos and whatnot have helped a lot and I really appreciate all of it so thanks :)

**Castiel:**

 

The next morning Cas tried to follow his schedule but he kept breaking down periodically, remembering those vivid images of Dean slicing into him from last night. Although he had never actually pressed a knife to Castiel's skin in the dream, it sure as hell felt like it. Cas shut off his mind and tried not to think about anything. He must've looked worse than crap because when Lucifer saw him trudging around the kitchen he had just smirked and walked back to his room.

 

As he was about to sit down on the green bench, Cas somehow found himself missing those weeks he had spent pining after Dean like a middle school girl with a crush. It was so much simpler back then.

 

Suddenly, Cas realized all of the shit that had happened yesterday must have been so hard for Dean, especially bringing up all of those traumatic memories. Cas punched himself in the thigh and cursed under his breath and how selfish of a friend he was to not even consider Dean in all of this. Cas pulled out his phone to urgently call Dean before realizing they had never swapped numbers. The bus rolled up to the stop at that same moment and Cas was thrown off when he realized he had survived and he hadn't sat at the bench today like he did every other day. Once on the bus he texted Gabe.

**Castiel:** Gabriel I apologize but this is very urgent, Could you please text your friend Sam and ask him for his brother's phone number?

**Gabe:** Why? Samantha says Dean isn't feeling well and probably won't answer but his number is (866) 907-3235

**Castiel:** Thank you Gabe I appreciate it

**Gabe:** No problem baby bro.

**Castiel:** Gabriel I am 2 grades ahead of you

**Gabe:** Not my fault they couldn't handle me in 2nd grade.

**Castiel:** it was 7th grade. And 8th grade.

**Gabe:** Gotta go cya Cassie ;-)

 

Cas sighed and wondered what Sam meant when he said Dean 'wasn't feeling well'. Had something happened? Cas' heart started to race and he quickly pressed call and held the phone up to his ear, begging Dean to pick up, to tell him he is fine and that he would be at school today, glowing and smiling and laughing like normal. "please pick up Dean, I can't do this without you" Cas mumbled.

_“This is Dean Winchester. If this is an emergency, leave a message."_

 

Cas slapped his palm against the seat in frustration and called again, hoping Dean just wasn't answering because he didn't recognize the number, and if he saw it twice he'd pick up thinking it was an emergency.

 

" _Because it is. I need to tell him I'm sorry, I need to hear his voice again."_ Cas thought.

 

The phone rang a few more times and then there was a click sound. Cas knew his heart was not beating at a healthy pace at this point, he held his breath and waited to hear Dean's voice on the other side.

 

"Uh, hello? Who is this?" a groggy, hoarse voice that was most certainly Dean's made Castiel's heart do back flips

 

"Dean! Dean it's me! It's me I'm so sorry Dean I should've checked on you I know how hard that must have been yesterday and I so sorry please tell me you're okay Sam said that you-" Cas spoke so quickly he had to take a breath to continue but Dean cut him off

 

"Cas. I'm fine. I'll be in today don't worry about it." Dean sounded tired and... not quite himself. Cas started to worry again.

 

"Dean? Are you sure you're okay? You sound different." He asked, testing the waters

 

"Yeah Cas, I'm fine. See you at school okay?" Dean responded

 

"Yeah, okay...see you Dean." Cas replied dejectedly, he knew something was wrong with Dean and it hurt that Dean wouldn't tell him, either out of lack of trust or because whatever it is might just hurt too much to say, both options were equally terrible.

 

Once at school, Castiel kept his eye out for Dean, he hadn't seen him at his locker so he was banking on seeing him in APUSH as usual; taking a deep breath, he walked into the classroom, instantly lighting up when he saw Dean's light brown hair and plaid flannel shirt, but immediately dampening when he noticed the bags under Dean's eyes and the sallow look of his skin. Dean had his eyes closed and his head resting in his palm as he waited for the bell to ring and for class to officially start. He looked like he hadn't slept in weeks but it had only been a night! What on earth had happened? Cas walked over and took a seat next to Dean, laying a hand gently on his shoulder to get his attention. Dean flinched and drew back his arm, his eyes flying open until they landed on Cas, shocked with his hand in midair, a signal that he meant no harm. Dean's face softened as he apologized.

 

"Dean, what happened? If you don't mind me asking, you look like you haven't slept in days Dean I'm worried about you!" Cas whispered as the teacher walked into the classroom, the bell having just rung a second ago.

 

"It’s nothing Cas. I'm fine." Dean insisted.

 

Cas threw his hands in the air in defeat and pulled out his notebook as the teacher began writing instructions on the board, wracking his brain to think about what could've happened to Dean.

 

After class Castiel decided not to ask too many questions, Dean seemed exhausted and pestering him would most definitely backfire. Once it came time for lunch Cas began walking towards the lunchroom, not wanting to intrude on Dean's service.

 

As he was heading down the corridor Sam came jogging down the hallway and fell in step next to him. Sam was quite large with shaggy hair and a very innocent face. Cas had only seen him once or twice and those had been passing glances on his way to grab a sandwich as Gabe and Sam were studying or working on a project or something.

 

"Hey Cas, have you seen Dean today?" Sam asked, seeming a bit flustered.

 

"Yes, he's here today. Didn't you know that Sam? I don't understand, what's wrong?" Cas asked, hoping this might lead him to some answers about Dean's strange behavior.

 

“Well," Sam started, rubbing the back of his neck anxiously, "well you guys are pretty close right?" Sam asked.

 

Cas blushed, not sure how comfortable Sam would be with their relationship, whatever it may be.

 

"Yeah, we're um" Cas cleared his throat "pretty close. Why?"

 

"Okay well, he's probably going to kill me for telling you this but- wait, do you have a minute to sit so I can explain?" Sam gestured to one of the benches in the hallway,

 

" _yet another day of not going to lunch because of a Winchester"_ Cas thought.

 

The boys sat down and Sam took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair before explaining.

 

"Okay so I'm going to go ahead and assume you know what happened to our parents," Sam started,

 

Cas nodded and waited for him to continue.

 

"Well, that was pretty traumatic for Dean as you can imagine, especially because he was really young when it all happened and he blames himself even though it really wasn't his fault." At that part Cas must have made a confused face, to which Sam noticed and sighed.

 

"Did he tell you it happened because of his soccer game?" Sam asked softly.

 

Cas, still confused, nodded his head slowly.

 

"That son of a bitch" Sam mumbled. "Well, that's not what happened. I may have been even younger than Dean but I saw it happen, I was upstairs with my mom and Dean was at the bottom of the stairs. Our parents were having a big fight, which definitely wasn't unusual at the time, and Dean did have a soccer game that day though, so he was calling for Mom to hurry from downstairs. He couldn't hear them fighting because the doors were closed but I could. I heard all of it.” Sam sighed heavily before continuing, as if saying it out loud hurt more than just remembering it.

 

“At one-point Mom tried to end it, insisting they could finish when she got back because she really needed to take Dean to his game. As she opened the door and tried to walk out, Dad had grabbed her, yelling things about how she couldn't walk away from him. It got pretty intense and he was pushing her, she slipped and fell down the stairs and that's that I suppose."

 

Sam had tears in his eyes but he sniffed and held them back, looking at Cas to make sure he understood.

 

"But then why does he think it's his fault?" Cas asked in a small voice, feeling like he was about to throw up after what he'd just heard.

 

Sam grimaced, "That we owe to John, and he decided he couldn't live with himself knowing he killed his own wife. He convinced Dean and eventually himself that it wasn't his fault. Dad created a separate reality just because he couldn't cope with the fact." Sam looked disgusted for a moment but he calmed himself down by pressing his right thumb into his left palm.

 

Cas was impressed by the younger Winchester's control over his emotions. "So, your father let his own son grow up believing he had killed his mother?" Cas asked, astounded.

 

"Yep" Sam answered bitterly.

 

"I don't even know what to say." Cas said, looking down at his palms and wondering how the world could be so cruel to someone so innocent at such a young age.

 

"There's nothing to say Cas, just make sure he knows you're there for him." Sam said.

 

"Of course Sam, I will. But there's still one thing I don't understand, why didn't you know Dean was here? Why is he acting so strange?" Cas needed to know at this point, it was eating him away.

 

"Ah well see, as you can imagine, that kind of upbringing is pretty traumatic, like I said, and can lead to some pretty nasty nightmares. Well, last night I'm guessing Dean had a particularly bad one, worst episode I've seen in my life actually, he ended up slipping down the stairs. He's fine of course but I think that was the last straw and he just kind of..."

 

Sam made a snapping gesture with his hands,

 

"Broke. I woke up to him screaming at the top of his lungs and curled up at the bottom of the stairs. He refused to get up and eventually puked all over the floor and passed out. After a while he regained consciousness and didn't sleep for the rest of the night. I tried to stay with him but I accidentally fell asleep." Sam had closed his eyes and he looked like he was in pain.

 

Cas breathed in and out a few times, trying to comprehend, then he sprang out of the seat and started sprinting down the hall in the direction of the parking lot. He could hear Sam yelling behind him,

 

"Cas?! Cas where are you going?"

 

"I'm gonna go tell your brother that he means the world to me, Sam!" Cas kept running. He could hear Sam whooping and cheering behind him, and then laughing as he turned from where they had been sitting and entered the cafeteria.

 

Castiel didn't stop running until he had burst through the doors. He was just in time to see Dean's 1967 Chevy Impala pull into the parking lot. As soon as Dean got out of the car, Cas ran straight into him and wrapped his arms tight around him, he never wanted to let go. After a moment Dean hugged right back and they stayed like that for a moment before Dean spoke.

 

"Sam told you didn't he?" Cas could hear the smirk in Dean's tired voice.

 

Now that Cas knew the story everything made sense, why Dean looked so exhausted, why he had flinched earlier, why his voice was so hoarse, everything.

 

"Yeah. Yeah Dean he told me. I don't want to say I'm sorry, don't get me wrong, I am sorry of course, but it doesn't feel like enough you know? I'm sorry will never be able to truly convey how I feel, hopefully this does." Cas spoke softly, pressing his face into Dean's shoulder.

 

"Yeah Cas. This is all I could've asked for." Dean said, planting a few soft kisses in Cas' hair.

 

"You didn't need to come you know" Cas said after a few seconds.

 

"You didn't need to come to school today, you could've- hell you _should've_ stayed at home. This is too much for anybody, even you Dean." Cas wasn't sure where this was going but he kept going.

 

"I came for you Cas." Dean replied.

 

"You didn't need to" Cas said after a pause.

 

Dean looked Cas in the eye, a serious look on his face, "I'll always be right here next to you Cas. Regardless of whether or not you think you need me." Dean said, kissing Cas' forehead softly.

 

The two held hands and walked back into school,

 

"And by the way Dean, I was wondering if you might want to get together after school every day. Schedule permitting of course." Cas said, feeling like a middle school girl with a crush again.

 

"Yeah Cas, of course, that'd be awesome." Dean smiled but Castiel couldn't help but worry Dean's smile would never shine quite as bright as it had before.

 

Just before they crossed the threshold and entered the school again, Dean turned to Cas,

 

"Cas, I need you to promise me something." He said.

 

"Of course, anything Dean." Cas replied.

 

"Well, and this is gonna sound weird, but I'm probably not going to be okay for a while if you know what I mean, and it hurts a hell of a lot more to see that look in your eyes when you see how screwed up I am. No- shut up Cas- let me finish. Promise me or, actually, how about this; let's make a pact because I have a feeling both of us are pretty messed up and I think this will help.” Dean closed his eyes and took a deep breath before continuing.

“Let's make a pact not to mention or bring it up when one of us isn't lookin' too hot. If the other person brings it up first then it's fair game, and I swear to god, I swear to you Cas, if I need help then I'll ask I swear, and I expect you to do the same but until then I think everything would be a lot easier if we left it to the person to decide when they need to talk about it. It's just, this is all getting a bit repetitive don't you think? I have a problem and I'm messed up, you notice and say something, then you say something and I tell you you're wrong, and then we tell each other how amazing we are. As much as I enjoy that, I think it'd be a lot easier this way. Because it's most likely gonna get a hell of a lot worse before it gets a hell of a lot better. Whaddya say?" Dean sighed at the end as if he hadn't breathed much as he had been proposing the idea.

 

Cas was about to argue but he shut his mouth tightly, clenching his jaw as he thought about this and how it may backfire, it was a good idea though... after a while Cas slowly nodded his head and spoke carefully,

 

"I think that's a great idea Dean." It was a lie but it was worth it because Dean's tired, weary face lit up just a bit and they walked back into school. Dean was clearly feeling relieved and Cas was as anxious and worried for the future as ever.

 

**Dean:**

 

Sam had insisted Dean not go to school today, that he was in no state to safely attend classes and Dean had disagreed, but only in his head. He had told Sam he wouldn't go and pretended to fall asleep as Sam got ready. Sam would have to ride the bus today so he had to rush. Once Dean had heard the sound of the door closing, he threw off the blanket and went to go get ready. That is, until he realized all of his clothes were in his room... upstairs.

 

"Come on, don't be a pussy Dean they're just stairs." He muttered to himself.

 

No matter what though, Dean couldn't get himself to so much as look at those steps without feeling nauseous. He paced around the kitchen, he knew he had to go to school but he couldn't very well go in boxers and a t shirt. Dean paced for a few more seconds before realizing; the suitcase!

 

Dean ran over to the closet just below the stairs and opened it to find his suitcase from the trip they'd taken with Bobby a few months ago. Dean was instantly grateful for his laziness as he found a pair of old jeans and a flannel in the suitcase. He decided a piece of gum was basically the same as brushing his teeth right? Not feeling particularly hungry, Dean grabbed his keys and got in his car, flooring it to the school because he was already 30 minutes late.

 

Once Dean had managed to run into class and book a seat in the back, he spent the remainder of first period worrying this wasn't the best idea.

 

What would he say to Cas?

 

He looked like shit and he knew it, not to mention he definitely wouldn't be acting the same. It hurt but Dean knew his best option would probably be to give Cas a bit of space. Going into second period Dean entered the room before Cas did, giving him a chance to settle in and prepare himself, trying to maybe get a bit of rest before class started. Dean had closed his eyes and not 15 seconds later, Dean was startled by a hand on his shoulder.

 

Dean tensed and braced as all the memories from last night, all the bruises and cuts from his father came flooding back.

 

Dean turned in terror only to soften when he saw that it was only Cas. Dean felt bad when he saw how scared Cas looked because of Dean's reaction but he didn't have the heart to explain.

 

"Sorry Cas, you just uh, you just startled me." He grunted, hoping Cas wouldn't see too far into his act.

 

"Dean, what happened? If you don't mind me asking, you look like you haven't slept in days Dean I'm worried about you!" Cas whispered as the teacher walked into the classroom, the bell having just rung a second ago.

 

"It's nothing Cas. I'm fine." Dean insisted.

 

He refused to make eye contact, he knew whatever was left of him would break if he saw Cas' eyes, full of worry. Dean kept his head down and tried to concentrate on the teacher, only to doze off a few times and wake himself up periodically.

 

After class, Dean was grateful that Cas didn't ask any questions. Dean packed up his books quickly and rushed out of the room, it didn't seem like it, but avoiding Cas like this was killing Dean but somehow he felt it was easier than explaining himself.

 

Once Dean was in the car he started driving on his usual route to the cemetery but after a few miles Dean slammed on the brakes, he wasn't strong enough to do this. Not today. Dean rested his head on the steering wheel and let it out.

 

Dean cried. He cried and he cried, he was silent but his chest began to ache with each silent heave. He cried for his mother, for his father, for Sam, and for Cas. Most of all Dean just cried; being the emotionally constipated person as he was, his bottle of emotions had gotten a little too full lately, this was his way of coping and it worked pretty well.

 

Once Dean had cried himself dry, he turned around and headed back to the school, unable to think about much of anything, and most of all, desperately trying not to think about Castiel. Once Dean had pulled into the parking lot and gotten out of the car, he had a brief time to prepare before a figure came streaking towards him and barreling into him, wrapping him in the tightest, most secure and loving hug Dean had ever received.

 

Dean hugged right back and nuzzled into Cas' shoulder, he just couldn't wipe that stupid smile off of his face.  " _I love you. I love you so much Cas, you are my whole world."_ Dean thought.

 

Dean took a few deep breaths to keep himself from crying, still breathing in Cas' scent and nuzzling his neck. He realized Cas must've found out somehow but at this point Dean couldn't care less. He needed Cas by his side, for better or worse to help him through this. They needed to do all this shit together so it's good that Cas found out because Dean knew he never would've had the courage to ask for help. It was then that he realized how full and complete he felt with Cas.

 

When Dean was alone he tormented himself, ripped himself apart until there was nothing left. But Cas? Just hugging Cas had built Dean up more than years of being alone and trying to cope.

 

"I'd choose you." Dean whispered into Cas' shoulder, "Every goddamned time."

 

Dean could feel Cas tense and could see his shoulders heave a few times; signifying he was probably about to cry and just holding it back. Dean tried to lighten the mood, he didn't want to be sad anymore, Dean didn't want to be afraid to live, afraid to love, Cas made him feel like he could do anything.

 

In this moment, Dean wanted to do everything in his power to just be happy for once.

 

"Sam told you didn't he?" Dean asked, almost breaking down then and there at how foreign and exhausted his voice sounded when he pulled his face away from Cas' shoulder.

 

Although Dean genuinely did want to be happy, reality came crashing back in and reminding him why that was near impossible. Refusing to think about that now, Dean held Cas even tighter, waiting for a response.

 

"Yeah. Yeah Dean he told me. I don't want to say I'm sorry, don't get me wrong, I am sorry of course, but it doesn't feel like enough you know? I'm sorry will never be able to truly convey how I feel, hopefully this does." Cas spoke softly, pressing his face into Dean's shoulder.

 

"Yeah Cas. This is all I could've asked for." Dean said, planting a few soft kisses in Cas' hair.

 

Dean would never stop loving everything about Cas' hair, especially how it smelled, how it felt, and how much Dean loved to plant soft little kisses right there on top of Cas' head.

 

"You didn't need to come you know" Cas said after a few seconds. "You didn't need to come to school today, you could've- hell you should've stayed at home. This is too much for anybody, even you Dean." Cas said, his face pressed against Dean's shoulder and his breath warming the area around Dean's arm.

 

Dean closed his eyes and took a deep breath, wishing for the millionth time that he wasn't so messed up and he had the capability to love himself and let others love him.

 

"I came for you Cas." Dean replied.

 

"You didn't need to" Cas said after a pause.

 

Dean looked Cas in the eye, a serious look on his face, "I'll always be right here next to you Cas. Regardless of whether or not you think you need me." Dean said, kissing Cas' forehead softly.

 

The two held hands and walked back into school. Cas offered for Dean to come over after school every day and Dean had to keep himself from shouting _"Yes!"_ Any alternative to staying out of that house was good, but an alternative that also happened to include spending time with Cas?

 

Fuckin' jackpot.

 

Just before they crossed the threshold and entered the school again, Dean turned to Cas,

 

"Cas, I need you to promise me something." He said.

 

"Of course, anything Dean." Cas replied.

 

"Well, and this is gonna sound weird, but I'm probably not going to be okay for a while if you know what I mean, and it hurts a hell of a lot more to see that look in your eyes when you see how screwed up I am. No- shut up Cas- let me finish." Dean explained his proposition and tried not to focus on how concerned and disapproving Cas looked.  

 

But Dean knew he was right, it was gonna get much worse, he could feel it. This kind of trauma wasn't something you just walk away from, as much as Dean's tried. Dean could tell Cas was about to argue once he'd finished and could see those jaw muscles working as he thought over the plan.

 

Eventually Cas said okay and Dean felt like a few of the bricks had just been lifted from his shoulders. He felt a little better walking into school now than he had in the morning, and that was something... right?


	10. Almost Crumbling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I love you"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well
> 
> I'm not dead yet
> 
> *confetti its a parade*
> 
> I'm not too proud of how this chapter came out
> 
> please please let me know what you think in the comments, I'm worried I may be getting sick of my own writing and the comments help out so much
> 
> but the fluff I've been promising for the last 84 years is upon us
> 
> just one more week my children, the next chapter is as fluffy as a small golden retriever puppo
> 
> also! complete and total credit to whoever wrote the amazing poem and was gracious enough to post it on Tumblr, I don't remember the exact account but it definitely wasn't me. Thanks to whoever it was! You're fantastic, and almost certainly not reading this...

**Castiel:**

 

A few weeks passed since their agreement and Castiel was feeling better than he had in years. Dean had been by his side more than he ever could have dreamed. Spending hours with him after school didn’t hurt either. Dean definitely was acting better, or at least he was a hell of a good actor in pretending he was mental stable and sound; but sometimes when he thought Cas wasn't looking he would fall right back in to how he looked all those weeks ago.

 

It broke Castiel’s heart but he stayed true to the pact and trusted that Dean would say something if it all got too much. Cas tries not to notice how Dean doesn't really eat much anymore because he is still the same Dean. His Dean. And as long as Dean stayed by Cas' side, he had faith that whatever happened in those hours Dean spent alone, he could always find a way to remind him he was loved the next morning.

 

Today was Monday and Cas was feeling tired but not unhappy as he got ready for school. Lucifer was out of town visiting their father for the week and Castiel had a slight impulse to run around the house blaring rock music and banging pots and pans just to spite his asshole of a brother.

 

He decided against it though because he hadn't allotted time for 'making unnecessary noise because Lucifer isn't here' in his schedule. Cas followed his routine and was sitting on that green bench right on time.

 

Once at school, Cas remembered how anxious he had been about an assignment in English, he had to read an original poem to the class and he had forgotten to prepare one. Of course, he had written multiple in his journal but those were personal and Cas wasn't sure he was comfortable sharing poems he'd written about a certain someone... Cas decided he had to choose one of his vaguer pieces, he settled on one that was nice and made you feel everything a proper poem should, but with the added bonus that only Castiel knew its true meaning.

 

Once his name was called in class he walked slowly to the front of the room, palms sweating and breathing hard, trying to calm himself down before he had to start or else he might throw up. Clearing his throat, he spoke,

 

" There is something so unexplainably beautiful about you  
The way you make me feel oceans of emotions  
Surrendering my soul, secrets and weaknesses to you  
But you see them as strengths, beautiful flaws  
Your perception of life, so intriguing  
Your mind is beautiful, diverse  
You make it all worth it  
Finding you has helped me find myself"

 

Once he had finished the class gave him the polite round of applause they were expected to give and he returned to his seat, only allowing himself a small smile once he had sat down. Cas waited out the rest of the class, not really listening to the other presentations and doodling on his desk. Cas was just waiting until second period so he could see Dean. Even though it hadn't even been 24 hours, Castiel missed Dean more than anything and was practically counting the seconds.

 

Once in APUSH, Cas saw that Dean wasn't in his seat; but he didn't worry because class hadn't started. 5 minutes later though, the bell had rung and Dean still wasn't there, Cas started to panic a little bit, all the worst case scenarios coming to mind.

 

After the class ended Dean still wasn’t there and Castiel started freaking out, Dean had never missed a day in the time they'd been together, he hadn't seemed sick when they spoke on the phone yesterday but Cas had no way of knowing. He had already sent a few urgent texts and tried calling a few times but every call went to voicemail. As Cas was frantically pacing in front of the cafeteria he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around quickly, a part of him hoping it was just Dean playing a joke on him.

 

It was Sam.

 

"Dean's not gonna be here today Cas. Sorry, he hasn't been doing so well lately and I'm sure he feels bad." Sam reassured Cas with a tone that seemed he knew more than he was letting on.

 

"Sam tell me what happened" Cas growled.

 

Sam sighed and gestured to the same bench he had used to explain John's death and Dean’s mental situation before.  

 

"Dean's lost a lot of weight these past few weeks which I'm sure you've noticed," Sam said, looking at the ground. Cas nodded and felt a pang in his heart when he thought about how thin Dean had become lately. He had ignored it, convincing himself Dean was just trying to lose a bit of weight to stay healthy, Cas was sure Dean ate lunch every day on his way back from the cemetery. Right?

 

"Well last week and over the weekend things just sort of spiraled out of control. Before he would at least eat 1 or 2 meals a day, eventually that became no meals and recently it turned into him refusing to leave his room and just staring at the wall for most of the day. The problem is, he's too terrified to sleep which is probably contributing to this. Sometimes his body will give up and he'll doze off, only to wake up screaming and shaking. He had 3 panic attacks just over the weekend and yesterday I guess something just snapped.” Sam carded his fingers through his hair and gripped his knuckles in his palm.

“I know, I said that last time. But now I'm starting to realize that what happened before wasn't him breaking, it was just him bending. This, this is what Dean's breaking point looks like." Sam had tears in his eyes and looked at the opposite side of the hallway.

 

"Why does it have to be this way?" Cas whispered after a moment, not really expecting an answer.

 

"I just," Sam's voice was soft and it broke as he continued, "I just don't know what to do anymore, Cas. He's always been there, seeing him like this it's just, Cas I don't know what to do anymore. This feels like some crappy soap opera and we’re all just waiting for it to get better but it just hasn’t." Sam admitted sounding defeated as he buried his head in his hands.

 

"I don’t know what to do Sam, but it's Dean we're talking about. We'll figure something out. Won't we?" Cas said, trying to reassure Sam but also himself.

 

How was Cas supposed to function if Dean wasn't there? How was Cas supposed to walk without his feet? Breathe without his lungs?

 

After school that day Cas was doing homework on his desk when he noticed a folded up slip of paper on the ground. It wasn't his so Cas assumed it must have fallen out of Dean's backpack the other day when they had been working in this room. Cas leant over and picked it up, recognizing the scrawl as Dean's handwriting.

_"Dear Cas,"_ Castiel's heart stopped when he read that this was addressed to him.

_"One day, I'm gonna hurt you Cas. One day this, whatever this is and whatever we make it will crumble to dust because of me and that's just who I am, that's what I do. What hurts the most is knowing you'll be left to pick up the pieces. It's so freaking dangerous Cas, getting close to me, but for some ungodly reason, you've chosen to give it a shot. So here goes. I'm not the kind of guy you want, I'm not the kind of guy you deserve, you deserve so much more it's not even fathomable, but it looks a bit like you're stuck with me; at least for the time being. I don't even know if you feel the same way because to tell you the truth, I have absolutely no idea what this even is, I've never believed in love at first sight and all that bullshit but who knows. You are the love that came without warning; you had my heart before I could say no. But the problem is I can't help it. Even if I spend the entire day with you, I miss the second when you leave. Even though I've only known you for a few weeks, I feel like I've been with you my entire life, and I'm with you till the end of the line man. Wherever that may lead._

_Dean"_

 

Cas felt tears drip down his face as he let the letter fall to the ground. He got up and ran out of his room, bursting into Gabe's room.

 

"What's Sam's address?" he demanded, tears still streaming from his face,

 

"...Cas? what- why- what happened-" Gabe stuttered, clearly confused by how Cas looked.

 

"WHAT'S HIS FUCKING ADDRESS GABE, PLEASE?!" Cas screamed, feeling the need to curl up and die. Dean wrote that weeks ago and it hurts so much, the insight on to how Dean truly feels hurts more than not knowing.

 

Gabe was startled and sprang out of bed and grabbed a pen and paper, writing down the address and handing it to Cas, clearly flustered and confused out of his mind. Without saying a word, Cas ran down the stairs, put on his shoes, and ran out the door.

 

He entered the address on his phone and followed that little arrow for 15 minutes before finally arriving in front of Dean's house. Cas had managed to calm down by the time he was knocking on the door, expecting Sam to answer. Instead, Cas was met by a gruff older looking man wearing plaid and a baseball cap.

 

"Hello sir, my name is Castiel and I was wondering if I could see Dean." Cas said. He was speaking at nearly 100 mph but he tried his best to be polite.

 

The man grunted, "Dean ain't doin 'too well son, I don't 'spect he'll be comin 'outta his room for anybody. If you want, we could go inside and check but-" the man was interrupted by Castiel thanking him and turning to leave.

 

If he couldn't speak to Dean, he would just hope and pray for the best and try tomorrow.

 

And that was exactly what Castiel did. Every day after school for the rest of the week, Cas would walk to Dean's house and talk to the man whom he later learned was their uncle Bobby. Cas would check on Dean from the doorstep, never coming inside because he remembered once when Dean made him promise not to.

 

" _Promise you won't until I'm ready Cas, promise we can do it together."_ Dean had muttered _, "Of course Dean. I promise."_ Cas had replied _._

 

And Cas intended to keep that promise, so every day he talked to Bobby on the doorstep, politely declining whenever he was invited inside. Another week passed and Dean still hadn't eaten more than a sandwich here and there; he hadn't left the room and he hadn't said a word to anybody. Cas was brutally reminded how he used to survive before Dean, at least when he was with Dean he could ignore the bullies, but recently they'd only gotten worse and Castiel came home with black eyes and bloody noses a majority of the days.

 

Life was only getting tougher for both boys without each other there as support, they were crumbling. Cas refused to give up still, holding out hope that Dean would recover soon. That following Wednesday, he got what he had been praying for.

 

Cas found himself sitting in front of school just like every day, holding out hope that today would be the day that the Impala would pull into the parking lot. Cas had held out hope but it was quickly fading, he got up to go inside and use the bathroom before school started, oblivious to the 1967 Impala pulling into the lot just as he turned his back.

 

Castiel splashed some water on his face and struggled with his feelings, it wasn't the first time. Cas couldn't give up on Dean, he had to keep holding out hope he would recover but on the other hand, it had been weeks and Cas wasn't quite what to think anymore. As he exited the bathroom he realized that at the end of it all, there was no chance Cas would ever give up on Dean.

 

Even if he had to wait until- wait a second, who is that standing next to Dean's locker? Messy light brown hair? Check. Crumpled flannel? Check. Black jeans with boots? Check. Cas didn't even try and contain himself, running straight at Dean, full speed and burying his face into Dean's chest.

 

How had he survived without him? Without his scent, the feeling of his arms around Cas, his voice, could surviving without Dean Winchester even be considered living?

 

"I knew you'd come back Winchester. I just knew it." Cas just kept talking, his voice a bit muffled by Dean's chest where he was pressing his face, inhaling Dean's scent.

 

Castiel didn't quite realize what he was saying until afterwards, the words were tumbling out of his mouth before he could second guess himself,

 

"I love you Dean, and I love you so much. I know it's weird and you probably don't feel the same way but I was terrified that something would happen to you before you knew how much I love you and I just couldn't take it and I came to your house every day and I just couldn't-"

 

"Sssssh Cas. I- I love you too." Dean said, putting his pointer finger over Cas' lips to make him stop babbling.

 

And in that moment, their eyes met and both of them realized what had just happened. Cas fought the urge to apologize when it finally hit him, like a sack of bricks to the face,

 

_"he said ‘I love you too’."_

Castiel realized Dean had the same stupid smile on his face and Cas smiled so hard his cheeks began to ache but he didn't care, all that mattered was he was standing here, staring into Dean Winchester's eyes and

 

_he loves me._

 

Dean looked around to check nobody was looking at them before he leaned down and kissed Cas softly, just enough to make Cas' heart jump and dance and soar, but without making a scene in the hallway.

 

Cas pulled back and kissed Dean's forehead, whispering,

 

"I'm so glad you're back Dean. Words can't describe."

 

"Me too Cas. I guess I just slapped myself hard enough one day that I realized I got too much to live for to just give up on living. You better head to English though. I'll see you in second period okay, angel?" Dean said.

 

"Angel? Dean c'mon," Cas was about to argue but instead began blushing profusely as Dean kissed him again, whispering against his lips,

 

"Don't try and deny it, you are my angel, Castiel." Dean gave him a warm smile and headed off towards Calc.

 

Cas had never felt like this, the warmth pooling in his stomach along with the feeling of wanting to faint and run around shouting and cheering as loud as he could at the same time. He smiled as he entered English, muttering to himself,

 

"just a middle school girl with a crush."

 

It's going to take a while to knock Cas off this high, and he knew it was gonna hurt like a bitch when it happened.

 

**Dean:**

 

Dean had been able to function for a few weeks after the episode but it became increasingly hard to sleep and eventually Dean just couldn't hold down much food either.

 

Living became an increasingly hard task and Dean would've given up sooner were it not for Castiel. He was Dean's beacon of light in all of this and kept him holding on for just a bit longer. Eventually though, Dean snapped. He couldn't hold on anymore and he found he wasn't able to get out of bed one morning.

 

He couldn't speak, he couldn't eat, he couldn't do anything.

 

It was like he was trapped in his own body and mind, screaming and beating on the walls, pleading to be let go, but all that could be seen on the outside was the broken shell of a man that had given up on life.

 

Dean found he eventually couldn't sleep more than an hour or two every night either, his body would buckle sometimes and force him to sleep, only to find himself jolted awake and screaming from the torture he went through once he closed his eyes.

 

 

Dean was grateful for how Sam had stuck by his side through all of this, Dean couldn't have asked for more.

 

Well... that wasn't completely true, because he had to do all of this without Cas. Dean missed him more than anything. A part of him knew that Cas was just keeping his promise, but the lonely ache still hurt sometimes.

 

When the sunlight filtered through the window at dawn to the late hours of the night, Cas is what Dean thinks about non-stop. The thought of what Cas would say if he were there was what got Dean to occasionally accept the offerings of a sandwich here and there, the thought of Cas is what almost got Dean out of bed a few times.

 

Almost.

 

 But then, it's the thought of what Dean's unstable mental state is probably doing to Cas, how this is just an example of how weak and destructive and broken Dean is. When those thoughts creep into his head they leave little doubt that Cas had all but forgotten how to care about Dean.

 

Little does he know Cas comes to the house every day exactly 30 minutes after school to check on him with Bobby.

 

Dean knows Bobby came back, he heard Sam welcoming him home, but Dean couldn't face his uncle, not like this.

 

 

One day, a few days after Bobby came home, Dean wasn't really sure what day it was or how many days had passed, Bobby came into his room at the same time he does every day, he usually talks for hours, sometimes about things happening at the auto shop and sometimes he tried to tell Dean things to help him out of this hole.

 

Today he sat down in the desk chair and when he spoke Dean listened more carefully than usual,

 

"Listen kid, I know I've been preachin' the same thing for a week now but," Bobby took a pause and Dean could hear him scratching his head and letting out a sigh.

 

"Listen kid, I know life's been pretty tough for you, hell it doesn't get much rougher than this, but he's been coming to the door every day for two weeks now Dean, just checking on you and I've gotten to know the boy. I'll be damned if I'm gonna let you throw it all away, give it all up just 'cause you ain't got the balls to say it."

 

There was a pause before Dean connected the dots and realized the 'he' that Bobby was referring to was Cas. Dean could almost feel himself smile.

 

Almost.

 

A few seconds later Dean croaked out the first thing he'd said since he broke down 2 weeks ago.

 

"Say what?" he said, his voice coming out broken and cracked.

 

"That boy loves you Dean, he cares so much about your sorry ass and I know you love him too. That kinda boy doesn't come along often so you're damn right I'm not letting you give up on that." Bobby decided he had finished his piece and was about to walk out the door when he heard a faint, broken voice,

 

"…Thanks Bobby."

 

Bobby smiled and left the room, happy to have finally made some progress.

 

 

A tear slid down Dean's cheek and he knew what he had to do, he had been planning it for days and hearing that Cas still cared had been the last straw. Dean opened his eyes and twitched his fingers, slowly moving his hand, then wrist, and then his elbow until he was standing up; he leaned over and cracked his back, stretching out his arms and legs. Dean knew this wasn't going to be easy but he had to quit giving up on life before life gave up on him.

 

Dean walked around the room, thinking about what his next step was, he still couldn't sleep but he had this burning desire to go to school, to see Cas again, to be close to him and let everything about Cas just wash over him and make him feel safe again, make him whole, take him home.

 

Dean slowly turned the knob on the door and walked carefully to the kitchen where he found Bobby standing with his back to Dean. Dean leaned over and gave the man a tight hug, to which his uncle responded with a grunt as he mumbled,

 

"'s about time kiddo."

 

He placed his hand on Dean's arm which was still on Bobby's neck and Dean could hear the smile in his voice. Dean walked over to the counter and grabbed his keys, finally remembering how to walk properly and walking out to his car, starting her up and exiting the driveway. He was sure this was probably the last thing he should be doing in his mental state but he blocked out htose thoughts, he blocked all of his thoughts to protect himself from his own mind.

 

Dean was about to cry as he realized how much he was missing, how much he missed all of this. Dean pulled in to the pharmacy and purchased some narcotics, he had never trusted these but they were supposed to work pretty well and he figured that was his only option at this point.

 

Dean drove home and ate a banana as Bobby watched him, studying him. He avoided the stairs like the plague though, he wasn't ready for that yet. Dean waited to pop a few pills because he wanted to greet Sam at the door when he came home as a surprise.

 

Needless to say, there was a lot of hugging and possibly some crying on Dean's part although he would never admit it. After that, Dean decided he better go to sleep because the pill lasted for 12 hours and it was already 8:00, he would be late for school the next morning if he waited any longer. Dean popped a few pills, laid in bed, and waited for sleep to take him and he hoped the pills would keep the nightmares away.

 

The next morning Dean woke up feeling fantastic, well, fantastic compared to the past few weeks. He still looked like crap and was a lot thinner than he had been but he could work with it. Regardless of how obviously challenging all of this was going to be, Dean couldn't wipe the stupid half smile off of his face when he thought about the prospect of actually getting to see Cas after all these weeks apart. What would he even say?

 

 _"Hey sorry for ditching you man, as you already probably know, my brain exploded and I didn't leave my room for nearly a month. See you in APUSH?"_ Dean mentally hit himself; he wasn't going to worry about that now.

 

Once Dean arrived at school and dropped Sam off, the weight of the whole situation came crashing down on him all at once. Dean took a few deep breaths and walked through those big double doors at the entrance to the school. Dean assured himself he could do it over and over in his head.

 

As he made his way to his locker, he felt a force collide with him and nearly jumped out of his skin until he looked down and realized it was Cas, his face buried in Dean's chest and his arms forming a vice-like grip around Dean's torso.

 

Cas' voice was muffled by Dean's shirt, "I knew you'd come back Winchester. I just knew it." And in that moment, Cas said something that caused the whole world to collapse around them,

 

"I love you Dean," he rushed through the rest of the sentence but the ringing in Dean’s ears drowned his voice out. This couldn’t be happening.

 

"Sssssh Cas. I love you too."

 

Dean said, putting his pointer finger over Cas' lips to make him stop babbling. And in that moment, their eyes met and both of their worlds came crashing down.

 

That's it, they said it, and it's there. They stared in each other's eyes for a few moments before Dean broke the silence, a small smile spreading across his face,

 

"Did we just do that?"

 

"I-I believe we did" Cas answered, a goofy grin plastered on his face as well.

 

Dean looked around to check nobody was looking at them before he leaned down and kissed Cas softly trying not to make a scene in the hallway. Cas pulled back and kissed Dean's forehead, whispering,

 

"I'm so glad you're back Dean. Words can't describe."

 

"Me too Cas. I guess I just slapped myself hard enough one day that I realized I got too much to live for to just give up on living. You better head to English though. I'll see you in second period okay, angel?" Dean said, trying out a pet name to see Cas' reaction.

 

"Angel? Dean c'mon," Cas was about to argue but instead began blushing profusely as Dean kissed him again, whispering against his lips,

 

"Don't try and deny it, you are my angel, Castiel." Dean gave him a warm smile and headed off towards Calc. Dean's heart was buzzing and he could feel warmth in his stomach as he walked down the hallway,

 

He really had missed this.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also holy shit guys 600 hits that's incredible I can't even begin to tell you how grateful I am that so many people chose to click on this shitty piece of trash like really you guys are amazing thank you so much you all mean the world to me


	11. Inevitably Inevitable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas slept peacefully and without nightmares that night, curling as close to Dean as was humanly possible and still feeling too far apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> F F F F F F F F L L L L L L U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U F F F F F F F F F 
> 
> also
> 
> * TRIGGER WARNING FOR BRIEF MENTION OF SELF HARM*
> 
> THE TIME HAS FINALLY COME
> 
> I wrote this at literally 4:36 AM on a school night so be warned there is some hella fuckign stupid dialogue 
> 
> anyway, I'm splitting up the fluffy chapters because you guys deserve it for bein real troopers through all that angst
> 
> *whispers* pssst they play music together in the next chapter its amazing
> 
> this is just a fun little thing, if you haven't learned not to take my shit writing seriously yet then here you go
> 
> anyway I love you all, thanks for the kudos and the hits! We hit 666 over the weekend and I laughed so hard I cried so thank you so much

**Castiel:**

 

Friday came quickly and Cas had managed to glue himself to Dean's side, proud that he was recovering fast; Dean was stronger than he gave himself credit for and would get through this, with Castiel's help of course.

 

After school they piled into Dean's car to go to Cas' house and spend the evening, except that… Dean was driving the wrong way. Castiel knew that Dean was familiar with the route to his house so he was confused and tried to ask but Dean ignored him and turned the music up louder, singing along to it, well it sounded more like yelling with rhythm.

 

Cas realized Dean must have an idea and just started giggling, eventually joining in with the rhythmic yelling they pretended was singing. Castiel relaxed and just focused on enjoying this precious time spent with Dean, because who knows when everything will come crumbling down around them? Who knows when Cas will be left with nothing but emptiness again? That's what scared him the most, the inevitability of it all; forever can't truly be forever, eventually...Cas snapped himself out of it and joined in with Dean again, singing twice as loud to drown out the demons in his head.

 

Cas hadn't kept track of time but about 20 minutes later, Dean pulled into a gravelly area next to a heavily wooded area. Dean was smiling wider and brighter than the sun and Cas found himself mirroring Dean's face as the other boy jumped excitedly out of the car, running around the other side to grab Cas' hand and drag him out, Cas couldn't help but relate the resemblance to that of an excited puppy. Cas was still very confused though,

 

"You ready?" Dean asked, looking Cas in the eye and smirking as Cas stuttered,

 

"Dean what are you-" Dean started running, dragging Cas along behind him.

 

They ran and ran, crashing through the trees and hopping over roots and rocks and stumps, the trees barely holding together with winter coming. The boys ran until they reached a clearing in the middle of the woods with the shore of a lake and an old wooden log cabin. They stopped to catch their breath and Cas looked around in wonder.

 

"Dean, Dean this is beautiful. What is this place?" the lake was pristine and beautiful, the sunlight shone like rays from heaven itself through the thick canopy of leaves.

 

The cabin looked modern, like it had been refurbished and Cas couldn't help but wonder if this was some sort of special place to Dean and he was intruding. He dropped his gaze from the green of the trees to gaze at Dean lovingly.

 

His eyes met eyes greener than the brightest leaves at the top of the tallest trees; Dean was all he could see.

 

"It's ours, Cas."

 

Cas elbowed him gently in the ribs,

 

"Dean Winchester you sap." Cas never wanted to stop looking at Dean, memorizing his face because it somehow managed to become even more mesmerizing the longer you looked at it.

 

Suddenly Dean leaned in and sang in Cas' ear,

 

"I loved you yesterday, I love you still, always have, always will, I can't describe how happy you make me, now let's go jump in the lake...baby."

 

Cas assumed he said what he did just because he could at this point and despite himself, Cas couldn't stop blushing. Once Dean finished his piece Cas broke into hysterics and completely lost it, laughing harder than he had in his entire life. It wasn't even that funny but Cas also had a lot of pent up energy and it all decided to release itself at this moment. Cas finally managed to calm down a bit to see Dean was shirtless and standing in front of him looking hurt and uncomfortable.

"Oh c'mon Cas it wasn't that bad," Dean said.

 

Cas wiped a tear from his face,

 

"Bad? Dean that was wonderful! I loved it! I love you! I'm just laughing because the only thing you could rhyme with 'me' was baby!" Cas started giggling again until he realized that Dean didn't know about his scars.

 

He couldn't tell him now, not here, he couldn't ruin this, not when Dean had just recovered, it would ruin him. Cas could feel himself physically drain and he looked at Dean and managed to stutter out,

 

"Uh, Dean, I don't really want to uh, to take off my shirt. I'm sorry." Cas tugged at his sleeves self-consciously and stared at the ground.

 

Dean didn't miss a beat, "Cas c'mon. That's fine you don't have to. Just take off your shoes and we can sit on the edge is that okay?"

 

Dean's eyebrows furrowed and Cas was grateful there was no question or pity in his eyes.

 

"That sounds great, thank you Dean." Cas replied, not completely relieved because this had just opened a new can of worms for the demons in his head to have a field day with.

 

"Thank you Dean, for everything." Cas said, trying to speak over the chatter in his head.

 

Dean cuddled closer to Cas, yawning and relaxing against Cas as they both shared warmth. Cas decided now was as good a time as any to try and show Dean a fraction of how he felt, spilling it all out without thinking about the risk of sounding like he was fresh out of a chick flick.

 

Both boys emptied their hearts to each other in an effort to support the other and possibly even themselves. Cas almost felt physically exhausted after his confession but his heart actually stopped when Dean turned to him, setting Cas with a studious gaze, Cas noticed the little flecks of honey brown here and there in Dean's eyes and just as the longing was unbearable, Dean surged forward and met Cas' lips.

 

The warmth of his mouth sent sparks flying through Cas' body. This happened every time they kissed like this and Cas was sure he would never get used to it. The kiss was over too soon because apparently humans need oxygen, who knew?

 

Cas sighed happily as he squeezed Dean's hand and rested his head on Dean's stomach, closing his eyes and trying to surround himself with how he felt in this moment, never wanting to forget this feeling. Dean closed his eyes and whispered light heartedly.

 

"Damn you Castiel Novak, you've ruined me for all other men."

 

Cas replied sleepily, "Good. They don't deserve you, I mean neither do I but I like to think I come pretty close."

 

Both boys yawned and closed their eyes. Cas slept peacefully and without nightmares that night, curling as close to Dean as was humanly possible and still feeling too far apart. Dean was his shield from his demons and he never wanted to be without him again, although the end of this peace was inevitably inevitable. At around 11:00 'o'clock, Dean woke him up and sleepily guided him to the cabin where they fell asleep, Cas assuming the position of big spoon without even realizing how fantastic it felt. Cas was asleep before he could even process that he was _in bed_ with _Dean freakin Winchester._

 

 

**Dean:**

 

Friday came all too quickly and Dean was steadily recovering. He had gained a few pounds thanks to Gabe's intense baking skills along with Dean's love affair with apple pie. He had begun to fall back into place and luckily Cas helped him with all the makeup work.

 

Dean was feeling better than he had in weeks and things were starting to turn up for the better, the part of Dean that only spoke late at night before he took his pills never hesitated to remind him that this would be short lived. Something bad was bound to happen soon; it was only a matter of time.

 

Whenever Dean had those thoughts, he just thought of Cas. Of the blinding sunshine that comes from every part of his body, how his smile lights up the world, and how he fit with Dean like a puzzle piece, his lips soft and perfect. Dean was so in love with Castiel Novak that it hurt. Dean had an idea for how to spend their Friday and he just hoped Cas would like it.

 

After school on their way back, instead of driving back to Castiel’s house, Dean turned the music up really loud and looked at Cas with a smile on his face as he sang along to the words as loud as he could. At first Cas seemed really confused as to why they were driving in the opposite direction.

 

"Dean? Dean where are we-" He stuttered. After a moment Cas just started laughing and decided to forget it, singing along with Dean just as loud.

 

They sang along to Don't Stop Believin' and Eye of the Tiger as well as a few other songs for what seemed like the perfect eternity. Eventually though, they pulled into a gravel drive next to a large wood. Cas didn't know this, but there was a lake hidden in those trees, along with a really nice cabin Dean had fixed up a few summers back, with Sam and Bobby's help of course.

 

It meant a lot to Dean and he felt it only right to share it with Castiel. He still had that adorable look on his face, like a confused puppy. Dean laughed and hopped out of the car, feeling happier than he had in years. Dean ran to the other side of the car, opening the door and grabbing Cas' hand, pulling him out of the car and lacing their fingers together.

 

"You ready?" Dean asked, looking Cas in the eye and smirking as Cas stuttered,

 

"Dean what are you-" Cas started again, only to be interrupted by Dean as he started running, dragging a still very confused Cas along behind him.

 

They ran and ran, until they reached a clearing in the middle of the woods with the shore of the lake and the cabin. They stopped to catch their breath and Cas looked around in wonder.

 

"Dean, Dean this is beautiful. What is this place?"

 

Dean almost forgot to respond; as Cas was admiring the scenery, Dean was admiring how Cas was glowing with the sunlight filtering through the trees, how his eyes shone bright blue with fascination of the beauty surrounding him. Dean gazed at Cas and lost himself in this miracle of a human before he remembered Cas had asked a question.

 

He thought for a moment before responding, "It's ours, Cas."

 

Cas elbowed him gently in the ribs, "Dean Winchester you sap." Cas broke his gaze with the nature around him to lock eyes with Dean, they stared at each other for a moment before Dean leaned in to whisper in Cas' ear using a sing song voice,

 

"I loved you yesterday, I love you still, always have, always will, I can't describe how happy you make me, now let's go jump in the lake...baby." Dean started taking off his shirt as he waited for Cas to stop laughing.

 

In between hysterics Cas tried to breathe then broke down again.

 

"Oh c'mon Cas it wasn't that bad," Dean said, starting to feel embarrassed, especially with his shirt off as he felt vulnerable.

 

Cas wiped a tear from his face, "Bad? Dean that was wonderful! I loved it! I love _you_! I'm just laughing because the only thing you could rhyme with 'me' was baby!" Cas started giggling again and Dean felt himself deflate and laugh a bit as well.

 

A few moments later though, Cas looked like he remembered something.

 

"Uh, Dean, I don't really want to uh, to take off my shirt. I'm sorry." Cas tugged at his sleeves self-consciously and stared at the ground. Dean didn't miss a beat; he understood immediately.

 

"Cas c'mon. That's fine you don't have to. Just take off your shoes and we can sit on the edge is that okay?" Dean asked.

 

"That sounds great, thank you Dean." Cas replied, obviously relieved as he started kicking off his converse, smiling at Dean as he ran into the water, whooping and cheering as he made a big splash, waiting for Cas to join him as he sat on the shore. Cas sat down next to Dean and rested his head on Dean's shoulder, thanking Dean for everything he had done, presumably today but possibly just in general.

 

Soon Dean was yawning as he watched the lake water ripple peacefully. Cas took a deep breath like he was preparing to say something and spoke; Dean closed his eyes and listened intently.

 

"Dean, when I- when I say I love you, I don't say it out of habit or just to make conversation. You know that right?”

 

Cas took a deep breath.

 

“I say it to remind you that you are the best thing that has ever happened to me." Cas sighed at the end and squeezed Dean's hand.

 

"Well," Dean huffed a laugh, "I suppose we should just get all of the cutesy stuff out of the way while we're alone huh? Sap party right? Okay, well, Cas I am sorry, I'm sorry that sometimes I get a little jealous, thinking that someone else could make you happier than I can. I suppose it's my insecurities acting up more than usual, because I know that I'm not the prettiest, smartest, or most fun and exciting girl at the prom, but no matter who you choose to dance with, and no matter how hard and long you look, you'll never find someone that loves you like I do."

 

Cas looked up at Dean as if to ask 'is that really true?' and Dean simply answered by leaning down a little closer to Cas' face. Dean noticed that Cas had a mix of dark and bright blue specks in his eyes, contrasting to his pale skin and dark hair. It wasn't the first time Dean had noticed, he just liked to look at Cas every chance he got. And Dean didn’t think, he just leaned forward with a cracked smile and kissed his angel because it’s what he wants. Even though this happens every time they kiss, Dean always feels it like it's the first time and he's never expecting the next step. He doesn’t expect his eyes to slip shut as Cas presses forward, and he doesn’t expect for it to feel so right. It shouldn’t, kissing an angel like him, but this is Cas, and Cas is his, always has been.

 

Ever since Dean touched his shoulder that day at the bus stop, Cas had been his, even if he didn’t know it yet, even if he didn’t feel it yet. 

 

Dean yawned and laid down, Cas' head resting on his stomach and lying perpendicular to Dean. Dean closed his eyes and whispered light heartedly.

 

"Damn you Castiel Novak, you've ruined me for all other men."

 

Cas replied sleepily, "Good. They don't deserve you, I mean neither do I but I like to think I come close."

 

Both boys yawned and closed their eyes. For the first time in years Dean forgot about his nightmares and was able to fall asleep without his pills. With Cas there to protect him like a guardian angel, Dean slept peacefully without a single nightmare.

 

The boys woke up around 11 'o'clock and sleepily trudged to the cabin and fell asleep on the bed inside, Cas situating himself as the big spoon before Dean could protest. He would never admit it in a million years but Dean _really_ liked it.

 


	12. 6 Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once they had finished they both let out long slow breaths, looking at each other in silence. "Wow." Dean breathed out. "Yeah. Wow." Cas said with a stupid grin on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is aforementioned part dos of the chronicles of fluff  
> leave me alone its the holidays im tired
> 
> anyway yes Cas had synesthesia but he doesn't know what it is so fight me
> 
> wow im agressive when im tired
> 
> asdfghjkl this is a mess  
> pls dont hate me that cough syrup scene was the product of sleeping 5 hours a night for a week and trying to write
> 
> I really hope you enjoy our boys being cute and musical, it had to be done.
> 
> sorry this chapter is obnoxiously long  
> thanks so much to everyone who commented it means the world to me, I tried to make this one a bit less repetitive, Jess. Let me know what you think : )
> 
> I hope everyone had a happy holiday or non denominational period of time
> 
> "I don't think Christmas is necessarily about things. It's about being good to one another, it's about the Christian ethic, it's about kindness."  
> ~Carrie Fisher
> 
> I never thought I'd have to say goodbye, but here we are.
> 
> try to get through we only have tomorrow and then we can escape this dumpster fire.
> 
> see notes at the end for links to the musical 
> 
> ✧・ﾟ: *✧・ﾟ:* *:・ﾟi n s p i r a t i o n✧・ﾟ: *✧・ﾟ:* *:・ﾟ
> 
> also one more thing, sorry: Do you guys think I should post on Wattpad? Let me know your thoughts in the comments okay bye thanks I love you

**Castiel:**

 

When Castiel woke up he stretched his limbs and smiled, rubbing his eyes and turning to say good morning to Dean except... he wasn't there.

Cas tried to think of a logical explanation and tried not to let himself believe Dean had left him during the night. He was about to panic when he smelled bacon and heard humming or the sound of someone singing softly from another room.

Cas got out of bed and padded to where he could hear the song and found what he assumed must be the kitchen. Dean had his back to the doorway where Cas stood silently, watching him fondly. Dean had a pan of bacon cooking on the stove and was singing 'Don't Stop Believing' and Cas was a little shocked by how fantastic Dean's voice was. He couldn't even describe it if he tried but it was beautiful.

A small thought popped into his head, _"his voice is so_ purple _and dark blue with red..."_ Cas shook his head slightly, wondering what in the hell that meant.

Once Dean had finished the song Cas applauded from the doorway, smirking when Dean whipped his head around in surprise.

"Dean, you have such a beautiful voice! Why didn't you ever tell me you could sing?"

Dean blushed a bit and looked back at the pan, "Never came up I guess." He mumbled.

Cas looked around the room and saw all the food Dean had made, there were eggs, pancakes, and the bacon had just finished cooking.

"Dean... you made all of this?" Cas asked softly, in awe of how much food there was. "Dean thank you so much. How long have you been awake? Dean this is really awesome." Cas couldn't stop gushing and soon Dean smiled a little too, serving the food on to plates as Cas continued to thank him.

"C'mon man, stop thanking me, what's the big deal? It's just breakfast." Dean said, avoiding eye contact with Cas so he couldn't see the cherry red blush spreading across his freckled cheeks.

Dean had sat down at the table and gestured for Cas to take a seat across from him. Cas averted his eyes a bit and tried to keep his voice level.

"Well my mom wasn't always, um, around... so this is pretty different for me. Again, thank you so much this is amazing."

"Don't mention it Cas. No really, like, stop mentioning it." Dean said with a grin as Cas kicked him gently under the table.

"So, how're you feeling today?" Cas asked, his voice softening.

"Um, I don't know Cas...better, I guess. Yeah, better." Dean didn't take his eyes off his eggs and Cas nodded with understanding.

Cas rubbed his eyes, realizing he was still really groggy and tired, resting his head in his hand as he reached over for syrup to pour on his pancakes. He closed his eyes with a yawn and picked up his fork and put the piece in his mouth, almost gagging at the taste. These pancakes were horrible! Cas assumed it was just Dean's cooking and tried to hide it and continued eating, not quite sure how to place the bad taste. Castiel could only take two more bites before he was unable to eat the horrible pancakes. Cas looked up to see Dean smirking at him.

"What?" Cas asked, hoping Dean wasn't offended.

"Did you really just pour cough syrup on your pancakes?" Cas' eyes widened as he slowly looked over to the bottle of liquid he had just poured on his food and realized it was, indeed, cough syrup.

Cas tried to play it off for laughs and decided to pretend like it was on purpose.

"No, of course not. I just love the taste of" Cas turned the bottle around and squinted as he checked the label, "Honey mint. Yep."

Cas took another bite slowly and grimaced around the mouthful of food,

 "Delicious."

Dean laughed as he continued eating, offering Cas his pancakes.

"No it's okay, I'm full anyway. Is it okay if I just kind of look around? This place is really nice."

"Yeah go ahead man, knock yourself out." Dean said, picking up his plate and placing it in the sink as Castiel did the same.

A few minutes later Cas found himself wandering into a room with very dark red paint on the walls and the light was dim. He could see posters of tons of famous classic rock bands were peeling from the walls, with sheet music lay scattered all over the floor. There was a keyboard with a microphone and recording headphones above it. Next to it in the corner there was an acoustic guitar hung on a hook as well as an electric guitar and a bass. There was also a concert ukulele lying next to the door. Castiel looked around the room in awe before he connected the dots, running out to the living room where Dean was sat reading a book.

"Dean! You never told me you played any instruments! This is fantastic Dean! C'mon you have to play something for me!" Cas grabbed Dean's wrist and dragged him to the room.

Dean looked around with a grin on his face, "Man it's been awhile since I've been in here," he whispered nostalgically.

He walked over to the guitar and ran his fingers lightly along the neck, admiring the instrument.

"Honestly Cas, how did you not know I played any instruments? I'm obviously quite the musical genius in case you haven't been paying attention." Dean said with a sly grin, brushing the dust off the piano keys.

"Yeah yeah, sure Dean. Can you please just play something for me?"

"Okay okay, just give me a second; it's been awhile, I need to warm up." Dean said wistfully as he continued to admire the room.

Dean sat at the bench in front of the piano and played a few scales and simple pieces before clearing his throat and placing his fingers above the keys like he was trying to remember the chords. Cas was lost in admiring how beautiful and pure Dean looked right now. He was in his own zone and he looked so at peace.

Dean started playing and his fingers glided over the keys as if he wasn't even controlling them. There was a beautiful fluidity that Cas was hyper focused on. That is, until Dean started singing. His voice was thick and warm, comforting like a blanket and a cup of hot chocolate, but also rough around the edges. And there it was again, that persistent cloud of colors in the back of his mind telling him various nonsensical things like,

 _"His voice is blue but the piano is yellow and pink, the purple clouds the edges."_ Castiel decided to ignore it for now as he focused on Dean and only Dean.

Cas was open mouthed and slack jawed as Dean performed 'Samson' by Regina Spektor, which was one of Cas' favorite songs of all time. Watching Dean was something beautiful Castiel had never experienced, and Dean seemed like a different person; he seemed confident and calm, he forgot whatever miseries were in his life and lost himself in the song. Cas silently promised himself to never forget this moment as Dean played the final chords.

Cas had his hands over his mouth and he was close to tears but when he saw Dean's face as he turned around, he looked embarrassed but also had this look on his face like he really wanted to be validated, to receive praise and attention. Dean looked like a child begging for his father's approval. Cas jumped out of the chair he had found and threw his arms around Dean's neck.

"That was incredible, Dean. I am _so_ proud of you." Cas could feel Dean hug back as he said 6 words Cas realized Dean had probably never heard before.

Cas pulled back and sniffed, blinking back tears as he pushed Dean's shoulder gently, motioning for him to scoot over as Cas sat down on the bench, smirking at Dean's confused face.

"Hey you're not the only self proclaimed musical genius, Dean." Although Cas had a rule to not do public performances, he made an exception after Dean had just spilled his soul so beautifully. He could feel the anxious tension winding up in his core at the thought of playing in front of someone else but he tried to suppress it so he wouldn't start to shake.

"Fine then, play something Cas." Dean said, smirking and leaning back, almost falling backwards when he realized there was no back to the bench.

"You didn't see that" he grumbled, his cheeks pink.

Cas giggled and placed his shaking fingers on the keys. He played a few warm up pieces and fell into a very old but familiar rhythm; memories of his brother teaching him to play piano when they were young were resurfacing. Usually those hurt the most but with Dean sitting here with those adorable heart eyes, those memories melted together with what was happening now and they became the happiest memories he had.

"Okay well, I'm gonna play something that means a lot to me because it was my brother's favorite song and he, well; he um...passed away a few years ago so, yeah. Um, here goes I guess." Cas cleared his throat as Dean clapped him on the back and kissed his shoulder.

Cas started to play 'I Won't Give Up' by Jason Mraz, slow at first as his rough voice melted with the chords and he went into that place where he was invincible, he was untouchable. It was perfect; Cas remembered how he used to sit by the piano for hours, just playing so he would never have to leave this perfect place in his own mind.

Soon the song started to speed up and Cas' voice intensified as he swayed with the music, his foot keeping beat with the pedal of the piano. Cas heard Dean's breath catch when he hit certain notes and he almost stopped playing to give him a kiss.

Once Cas had finished Dean was looking at him like he had just fallen from the sky on a cloud of light. Dean jumped up and looked around excitedly before he spotted his guitar, running over to it and slinging it over his shoulder. Dean's eyes were wide and excited and Cas couldn't help but laugh.

"That's like, one of my favorite songs Cas, you sounded so beautiful and incredible and amazing and I just- I just can't think of any more synonyms but I need to tell you how good that was oh my god we need to do this together. I used to play this all the time gimme a second."

Cas started laughing softly at how flustered Dean was. It took all of Cas' strength and more to actually accept the compliment and not deny it. Dean strummed a few practice chords as Cas squared up to the piano again, playing the first few chords.

Once Dean joined in Cas had to keep himself focused on playing because the sound of the both of them playing was flawless. Dean harmonized with Cas and even hit some of the higher notes, the place Cas had created whenever he played music now included Dean and it was like they had their own little slice of heaven and Cas wouldn't trade it for the world because he had it right here next to him.

Once they had finished they both let out long slow breaths, looking at each other in silence.

"Wow." Dean breathed out.

"Yeah. Wow." Cas said with a stupid grin on his face.

Dean put his guitar back on the hook and sat back down, rubbing his face. After a few seconds Cas looked up from the floor and smiled devilishly,

"You wanna do it again? I know a few more songs-" Cas suggested before Dean hastily interrupted him.

"Oh sweet Jesus yes that was spectacular." Dean said, sitting next to him on the bench. They played for hours after that. Eventually both of their fingers were bruised and aching, their throats were raw, and Cas' back hurt more than anything; but they were both still smiling brighter than the sun.

After going to a nearby diner to eat and curling up at night to sleep after a day full of absolute perfection in Cas' mind, he leaned over and kissed Dean on the cheek, whispering,

"Thank you Dean. For staying."

Cas yawned as Dean curled close to him, kissing Cas' forehead before pressing them together and whispering,

"No, thank you, Castiel Novak, for being."

They fell asleep that night, guarding each other's dreams and pressed as close together as possible.

In the middle of the night, Cas woke up and had the strongest urge to just touch Dean, to touch him and kiss him as hard as he could, he could physically feel hooks in his stomach pulling him to Dean. He had been in the middle of a nightmare that he was being dragged away from his brother in that house, shrouded in smoke, and he needed to distract himself before he burst into tears.

So he did, he started softly, waking Dean up just a bit, before pushing on a bit further.

“Cas wh-" Dean said, half awake.

"Shhh.” Castiel placed a finger over Dean’s lips before resuming his mission on lightly tracing them with each of his finger tips, trying to memorize their shape. 

Dean Winchester had the most perfect lips on any human being, Cas was convinced; they were perfectly shaped, perfectly pink, and perfectly soft. They were Castiel’s favorite lips in the entire world. Dean sighed exasperatedly against Cas' fingers which drew a smile from Castiel, which they both knew was why Dean had sighed that heavily. 

“Hush Dean,” Cas whispered, before leaning down to kiss Dean’s mouth slowly; he ran his tongue along Dean’s lips, and kissed them over and over. They felt better on his mouth than his fingers. They felt even better when Dean kissed his neck on certain occasions when Dean was feeling particularly affectionate, which, he never admitted this, was basically all the time because Dean was an actual teddy bear. 

“Cas what are you doing?” Dean finally got out before Castiel kissed him again. 

“Your lips are the best Dean,” Castiel replied quietly.

He began to trace them with his fingers again. Dean rolled his eyes.

“They are not." Dean said with a defiant smile.

"Yes they are…and you love me touching them. Kissing them.” Cas gave Dean a knowing smile because even though Dean always denied it, they both new Cas was right. 

“Shut up and kiss me again, assbutt." Dean said.

Castiel grinned and gladly obliged. Soon though, they both got tired again and fell back asleep, Dean on his back with Castiel in his arms, his head resting on Dean's chest, falling asleep to the gentle rhythm of Dean's heartbeat.

 

**Dean:**

 

Dean woke up around 8:00 and took a moment to just look at Castiel in the morning light. Cas looked so peaceful, his face not contorted with any expression or confusion or worry, just calm. Dean resisted the impulse to trace Cas' lips, smooth back his hair, kiss him everywhere there was skin. Instead, Dean just watched, he listened to the soft sound of Cas' breathing and took advantage of this window of time in which he could stare and study Cas as much as he wanted without being awkward.

After a few minutes Dean decided he may as well get up now that he was awake. Dean walked to the kitchen, a small room consisting of a gas stove and an oven as well as a dingy microwave.

Still, it was something. Dean pulled a few eggs out of the refrigerator and found some of the bacon he had stocked in here from last week when he had last visited the cabin. Dean always cooked when he was anxious, because it made him calm and helped him focus on other things, plus it always reminded him of his mother, some of his best memories, in fact.

But now, Dean wasn't feeling any more anxious than usual, in fact he felt a little better because this, this waking up and preparing breakfast in his own little house was so...domestic. Dean realized that he was just cooking to prepare a happy surprise for Cas when he woke up. Dean smiled and began singing to himself as he put the bacon in a pan and cracked the eggs over a bowl to whisk them up.

Dean ended up making pancakes as well once he found some flour and some milk. Once he had finished all of the food, he stopped singing and looked around with pride at the meal he had made when he suddenly heard loud applause coming from the doorway.

Dean was startled and whipped his head around to see Cas standing in the doorway smirking at him. Dean felt himself blush and he looked away nervously, he had always loved music but he had always been extremely self conscious about his voice. Dean could vaguely hear Cas praising him from behind the anxious ringing in his ears reminding him of all the negative things he had resisted thinking about, it was like just because the topic of singing was brought up, the dam in Dean's mind holding back his insecure thoughts busted a hole and now it was leaking. Dean mumbled an excuse in an attempt to evade the question, hoping Cas didn't notice he had been so affected.

Soon, Cas' voice got really soft and his eyes got wide as he looked around the kitchen and repeatedly asked Dean if he really had made all this food. It calmed Dean down a bit to see how happy and excited such a simple act was making Cas, and he realized, this wasn't some bully, this wasn't his father, this was Castiel _Fucking_ Novak, the boy he'd been hopelessly in love with for months now. If Dean could trust anybody with something he was as insecure about as his voice, it was Cas. That realization silenced a few of the voices in Dean's head for awhile. Cas kept gushing about the breakfast gesture though, and Dean feigned annoyance. Dean didn't mind at all, he actually enjoyed it but then Cas mentioned he'd never really had this sort of experience before.

Dean felt a pang in his heart but he decided not to linger because he didn't have the mental stability right now to bring up mommy and daddy issues.

"So, how're you feeling today?" Cas asked.

"Um, I don't know Cas...better, I guess. Yeah, better." Dean hated lying to Cas but he didn't want him to worry. He could feel acid rising in his throat when he realized he was only really lying to himself.

Dean immediately stifled his snort of laughter as Cas drowsily picked up the cough syrup and poured it onto his pancake. He would notice eventually right? 3 bites later and Cas hadn't even made a face; Dean was starting to wonder if that cough syrup just tasted really good or if Cas was just legitimately crazy.

Dean laughed as Cas realized the accident. He offered Cas his pancakes but he politely declined and asked to look around the cabin, Dean had no objections because as far as he was concerned, mi casa es su casa right?

A few minutes later Dean heard Cas let out a high pitched excited squeal and Dean sighed with affection and waited for Cas to come running back and ask Dean lots of eccentric questions about something he just found. Dean smiled softly as he sat on the couch and pulled an old book from the shelf.

Right on time, Cas came bounding into the room like a puppy chasing a ball and grabbed Dean's wrist, yelling, something about playing instruments. Dean's immediate reaction was a heart sinking feeling of dread. He took deep breaths and tried to convince himself _this would be fine, this would be great, c'mon this is Cas. He would never... right?_

"Man it's been awhile since I've been in here," he whispered nostalgically. Dean ran his fingers along the neck of the guitar, remembering when his father had taught him to play, sitting next to him for hours on end. This was one of his better memories of John, he wasn't always the bad guy.

Even though Dean frequented the cabin whenever he needed time away from it all, he never went in this room. A glint of light out of the corner of his eye caught his attention as he shuffled over to the piano, remembering his mother's sweet voice as she sat him down and played simple songs together on lazy Sunday afternoons. Dean sat on the bench and caressed the keys gently before running over a few scales and simple pieces.

He felt that fluidity and motion flowing back through him, it really was like riding a bike. He felt that familiar buzzing in his fingertips, aching to create something, to have a beautiful purpose such as music. Dean remembered Cas was in the room but he appreciated his silence, assuming Cas was just watching Dean with that cute little look he got sometimes, tilting his head and squinting his eyes. Dean knew instantly which song he wanted to play because he had it memorized after playing it for Sam countless times. He vaguely remembered Cas saying he loved the song too.

Dean made an attempt to be snarky to keep himself from crying with all the emotion and memories flooding back to him. Soon he had to stop stalling and just get it over with.

 _Be a man_ he scolded himself.

Dean tried to grin and managed a soft grimace as he warmed up  few times with some simple scales and old tunes. Once Dean had taken a deep breath he ignored his shak hands and the empty, anxious pit in his stomach and began to play, picking up at the bridge and just falling back into place like a puzzle piece. There was no effort to remember chords or lyrics, there was just him and the piano and it was the most pure and beautiful thing he had felt in so many years.

Dean was reminded by how special this place had always been to him while his parents were alive and how he never liked to play much after that, unless Sammy asked him, he could never say no to that kid.

Once Dean had finished he waited for Cas to say something before turning around to prompt some feedback. Cas was staring at him wide eyed with his hand covering his mouth in shock; Dean felt a vaguely familiar tug in his gut at seeing those eyes so bright and wide. Cas jumped out of the chair he had found and threw his arms around Dean's neck. Dean hugged back just as hard as Cas said 6 words that could not have meant more than they did at that very moment.

Dean could tell Cas was about to get emotional as he sat down on the bench and warmed up a bit, Dean was shocked that Cas knew how to play the piano and obviously didn't do a very good job of hiding it on his face because Cas made a snarky remark about being a musical genius as well. Dean was actually really happy and excited to hear Cas play but he played it off smooth and basically fell backwards off the bench.

 _Yeah, real smooth_ he thought.

"Okay well, I'm gonna play something that means a lot to me because it was my brother's favorite song and he, well; he passed away a few years ago so, yeah. Um, here goes I guess." Cas cleared his throat as Dean tried to be supportive. He was only vaguely surprised they both had troubled history with their love for music, karma's a bitch, right?

Once Cas started playing, Dean recognized the song immediately and almost started singing along, it was 'I Won't Give Up' which just so happened to be in Dean's top 5 list of favorite songs (that aren't classic rock, of course). Dean sat in silence, admiring how beautiful Cas looked, hands gliding over the keys and his rough gravelly voice hitting every note perfectly, Dean was getting more giddy by the second; they absolutely had to do a duet.

Dean could feel his breath catching as Cas hit certain notes and he couldn't take his eyes off of him. Once Cas had finished, Dean resisted the urge to just take him right then and there, instead he got up and jumped around like a toddler on a sugar high, grabbing his guitar and repeatedly insisting they play together while praising Cas. Cas grinned affectionately and turned back around to the piano.

Playing with Cas felt like Dean had died and gone to heaven and this was the soundtrack to his eternity. It was perfect, it felt incredible, Dean harmonized with Cas and somehow managed to hit some of the higher harmonies that Cas couldn't and it was just so much to describe and so indescribable all at once.

They played for hours, sometimes doing duets, sometimes Dean would play and Cas would sing, sometimes vice versa, Dean even taught Cas a few chords on the guitar. It was all Dean could've ever dreamed of, asked for, or wanted all mixed together and it was perfect in every single way. Dean never wanted to leave this room that had once held so many good memories turned bad.

After getting some food and spending time arguing about important things, such as which Doctor was the best. That was a particularly short argument, consisting of Dean getting angry about how amazing Ten was and Cas angrily agreeing with everything he said. No real disagreement just a lot of angry love for David Tennant. Then they discussed a multitude of other geeky subjects and found a mutual love (or obsession if you want to get technical) for several personalities in the media and Harry Potter above all. They returned home tired and happy, sleeping in t-shirts and boxers. The two boys curled up together as close as they possibly could. Just before they both drifted off, Cas leaned over and kissed Dean on the cheek.

"Thank you Dean. For staying." Cas whispered.

"No, thank you, Castiel Novak, for being." Dean whispered back, far too tired to slap himself for being so damn cheesy. They fell asleep that night, guarding each other's dreams and pressed as close together as possible.

In the middle of the night, Dean was woken up by the feeling of soft lips being pressed to his own. As much as he was happy to kiss Cas anytime, it was like ass 'o'clock in the morning and Dean needed his beauty rest. Cast placed a finger over Dean’s lips before he could speak and continued peppering soft kisses along the edge of Dean's lips and jaw, tracing his lips with his finger and analyzing them studiously. Dean couldn't even pretend to be mad at how affectionate Cas was being, sighing obnoxiously loud against Cas' finger, making him giggle and smile that beautiful smile.

Dean tried not to think about where the hell all that came from, he was just so damn tired and he was desperately trying not to pop a woody looking at Cas' lips and hearing his voice and feeling his breath softly tickling against his neck.

Soon they both got tired again and fell back asleep, Dean on his back with Castiel in his arms, his head resting on Dean's chest.

Dean curled his arms tight around his angel, "I'll never let you go" he whispered in to Cas' hair, kissing him softly a few times before falling back asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo here i am 
> 
> to get the idea of how our boys sound check out these amazing (slightly outdated) videos
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=beO0acEX6Z8 this is almost exactly how I imagine Dean
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZggU_ilLh4w this is a little further but still pretty close I mean Ben even looks like him he's amazing check him out 12/10 would recommend
> 
> and for the Jason Mraz, listen to the Demo track version if you can to get an idea
> 
> alright gotta blast


	13. Talent Show?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Cas,” Dean nods, “How are things?” he said with a smirk as he took a few books from his locker.
> 
> "Don't you 'how are things' me, Winchester. Care to explain why the drama teacher just came up to me and asked me out?" Cas demanded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is just a short little filler chapter to put a close to all the wonderful fluff
> 
> it was good while it lasted so get ready for hell- sorry i mean angst... no i meant hell.
> 
> Cas thinks he's trash now? just wait a chapter it'll be pretty literal
> 
> anyway, not much going on today. I hope you enjoy this short little chapter.
> 
> we are almost at the end of my pre written material so get ready for inconsistent posting and lack of motivation and will to live! oh wait those last two are just me...
> 
> anyway
> 
> please comment any feedback or anything, I love your comments more thna anything else they literally give me life
> 
> thank you so much for reading, we are almost at 900 hits and its literally blowing my mind this is incredible guys I didn't expect 100 readers let alone almost being able to smell 1000 after only 2 months or so. Thank you so much you guys make it worthwhile i love you all so much

**Castiel:**

 

They spent the rest of the weekend like that, curling up with soft voices and sweet kisses along with baking cookies for no good reason other than, well, _cookies._ They played music and sang until they could barely speak, and Cas only saw it fitting they should have two days of heaven after their lifetimes spent in hell. Sunday night came all too soon, with Cas insisting he needed to return home so he could catch the bus the next morning. As much as it would kill him, he knew he had a routine to follow.

But Dean had insisted before realizing that it probably wouldn't work out because the bed size wasn't large enough for both of them.

"Dean, it hurts me to be away from you for 3 seconds, trust me this is going to hurt like... how do you say it?" Cas asked.

"Hurt like a bitch?" Dean said with a small smile on his face.

"Yes, hurt like a bitch." Cas would've offered for Dean to sleep at his place, but the idea of Lucifer meeting Dean, seeing Dean, corrupting Dean was too much to think about. Plus the fact he was a raging alcoholic who also happened to be extremely homophobic.

Cas apologized sadly as he got out of Dean's car late on Sunday, listening to Dean quickly run over the topics they had covered on the drive there, which mostly consisted of how to defend himself against the jocks that beat him up at the bus stop. Cas smiled and thanked Dean sarcastically, walking to the front door and resisting every impulse to turn around and run straight back into Dean's arms, and drive away and never come back.

Monday arrived quickly, and Cas scraped by and managed to get on the bus with only a nosebleed and a punch to the gut. Cas tried not to fall back into the holes he frequented for the past 17 years, closing his eyes and thinking of light whenever he felt lost, thinking of bright smiles and warm hugs and unicorn laughter, that sweet unicorn laugh. Cas thought of Dean's crinkly eyes and his soul that shone through his jade green irises. He thought of Dean's voice late at night, like honey being poured over warm toast. He thought of how Dean smelled a little like gasoline at all times, but also like watermelons and faded cologne. Just thinking about Dean had carried him through all the time he'd had to spend alone.  
  
Cas looked down at the freshest cut he had on his arm beneath his long sleeved jumper. He remembered this one; it had been after a particularly nasty argument with Lucifer where he couldn't help feel worthless, and Cas knew he had to punish himself. Every time he had the urge after that, though, he just thought of what Dean would say and how he would gently take the blade from Cas' hand and tell him to stop. Sometimes that helped and sometimes it made everything worse, he knew falling in love hadn't cured him but it sure as hell had helped him. Or at least that’s what he told himself when shit hit the fan.

Once the bus pulled into the school parking lot, Cas took his usual route through the front doors to the library, as Dean wouldn't come for another 20 minutes and this is how Cas liked to spend his time, lost in other worlds while sitting in those especially nice chairs in the library. As he was just getting pulled into 'The Great Gatsby' for the hundredth time he felt a sharp tap on his shoulder.

Cas turned around to see a woman who rather resembled Professor Trelawney from Harry Potter standing way too close to his face. She spoke in a loud voice as if she was trying to project to an audience.

"So darling, how about 7:00 on Friday? Will that work for you?" She nodded her head patronizingly as if Cas was deaf or spoke another language.

Cas was so flustered he just nodded a bit and tried to stutter out, "wh- what" before the woman, who Castiel later realized was the drama teacher, Ms. Rosen, turned sharply away, thanking Cas and making a grand exit from the library's small wooden doors.

Castiel was left sitting open mouthed and trying to process what had just happened for a few more moments before his phone buzzed.

 

 **Dean:** Hey man, get your ass out of the library I have a surprise

 **Castiel:** Does it have anything to do with me going steady with the drama teacher?

 **Dean:** the drama teacher? Cas what the fuck

 **Castiel:** I'll explain when I see you; just wait at your locker.

 **Dean:** Don't go cheating on me CASanova.

 **Dean:** Oh my god that works so well I'm never letting you  
live that down

 **Castiel:** I have to go Dean.

 

Castiel sighed exasperatedly, smiling at his phone all the while, though. He jogged to their lockers, bursting with a million questions about what the hell just happened. Once Cas reached Dean's locker he had just about concluded this was all Dean's fault... somehow.

“Dean.” Cas said sharply.

“Cas,” Dean nods, “How are things?” he said with a smirk as he took a few books from his locker.

"Don't you 'how are things' me, Winchester. Care to explain why the drama teacher just came up to me and asked me out?" Cas demanded.

Dean snorted a little, "I have no idea what you're talking about Cas." He said, trying to keep his face straight.

"She asked me if seven on Friday would work and I wanted to ask what the hell she was talking about but I panicked, and I guess I nodded yes. Please tell me I'm not gonna have to go meet the drama teacher in a dark alley on Friday.

Dean sucked air through his teeth and looked at Cas, "The dude or the chick?" he asked.

"The chick, Dean," Cas replied, half pretending to be irritated.

Dean made that noise again, "Ooh, Cas does she know you like dick? I just don't think that's going to work. But I'm sure you two lovebirds'll find a way, though." Dean said, smiling, clearly proud of himself.

"Ok Dean jokes over. Can you please tell me the surprise now and we can figure out that mess later."

"Well actually-" Dean started.

"I knew it! I knew it was all your fault!" Cas almost jumped up as he yelled excitedly, pointing his finger accusingly at Dean.

"What did you do Dean?" Cas said, suddenly genuinely curious and more than a little suspicious.

"Well... and don't be mad... I um, isignedusupforthetalentshow." Dean mumbled the last part quickly, and Cas asked him to repeat it until Dean was practically yelling.

Castiel felt like he was going to puke, his heart was hammering in his chest, and he blanched, his hands beginning to shake, but then he felt Dean's hand on his shoulder, and he tried to calm down, stuttering out,

"Yea- yeah Dean. That- that sounds great." Dean smiled warmly and kissed him on the cheek on his way to calc, leaving Cas to worry more and more by the minute about how the hell he was going to pull this one off.

 

**Dean:**

Dean had obviously wanted Cas to come home with him because he didn't want to sleep alone again after having just gotten two glorious nights curled next to Cas.

Cas had objected a few times, "I have a schedule, Dean" or "Dean; I have to ride the bus."

But Dean had kept insisting before realizing he was still an emotionally unstable shit-nado and the bed in the guest room wasn't big enough for both of them. Dean had stopped trying to convince Cas at that moment and he just sort of got really quiet.

They said their goodbyes and Dean went home to try and sleep through a night without his angel to protect him.

Monday came quickly, and Dean was already awake an hour before he usually woke up, busily writing an email to the school drama teacher with a smirk on his face. Dean knew Cas wouldn't love this idea at first, but he just had this gut feeling that he had to do this. They sounded so damn incredible together and if there was anything that was gonna help the two of them out of their self-pity parties; it would be performing in front of people and, hopefully, getting a positive response.

Once Dean got to school, he decided it would be better to tell Cas in advance so he wouldn't be too surprised. Dean knew Cas always liked to spend his time in the library before school because Dean occasionally came early and spent time reading with Cas. But today he had come a little late and didn't have much time before the bell was going to ring. He pulled out his phone and texted Cas; it was faster than going all the way to the library himself.

Soon, Dean was stood laughing softly at his phone; he had an idea about what was happening, and it was honestly incredibly amusing. A few minutes later Cas came jogging down the hall, looking pretty miffed. Dean tried to keep his face straight as he kept trading his books in and out of his locker; this was going to be some much needed comic relief for him.

“Dean.” He heard Cas grunt from behind him.

Dean snorted softly and turned to face Cas, who is obviously not as mad as he made it out to seem, apparently they were both pretty much just joking around at this point.

"Don't you 'how are things' me, Winchester. Care to explain why the drama teacher just came up to me and asked me out?" Cas demanded. Dean snorted a little again; Cas continued and clarified that the teacher had asked about something on Friday and Dean had to admit, for a moment he was confused before he realized auditions were self-scheduled whenever was best for you.

Dean bantered for a minute, enjoying how Cas rolled his eyes and smirked at the same time, Dean knew he needed to take the time to enjoy the simple things like this.

Dean giggled a bit at how Cas was practically jumping up and down as he jabbed his finger accusingly in Dean's face. He sighed and realized he'd have to spill the beans now, really hoping Cas didn't blow his shit over this.

Dean mumbled the last part quickly, and Cas asked him to repeat it until Dean was practically yelling, "I signed us up for the talent show!"

Cas instantly lost all color in his face and Dean nearly slapped himself, how could he have been so stupid? Sending that email to sign them up was such an impulsive decision, and he was beginning to regret it as Cas bent over and looked like he was about to puke.

Dean desperately tried to calm Cas down, knowing all too well how he was feeling; Dean gently laid his hand on Castiel's shoulder, trying to think of something to say but drawing a blank. Soon, Cas started shaking less, and his breathing began to even out, he mumbled something Dean knew wasn't true, but he appreciated it nonetheless.

Dean smiled, trying not to show how worried he was for Cas, Dean knew he had insecurities, but somehow he had always managed to feel better when it came to music, Dean had thought Cas would feel the same way, but now he was anything but sure. Dean kissed Cas on the cheek and walked to calc, assuring himself that, somehow, this would all work out, because if it did, it was going to be one hell of a show.


	14. Kiss Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooooh shit  
> oh shit  
> ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh shit  
> here's the hell I promised woop  
> this author has had no motivation and is finding it extremely difficult to even push out garbage content like this, but still, life goes on.  
> this chapter marks the end of pre-written content and the beginning of a probably very convoluted uploading schedule and many tears.  
> anyway, I hope you're all doing well.  
> As I am American, naturally I have been wishing for the sweet release of death since 12:00 today, marking the inauguration of Donald Cheeto Pussy Grabber Trump.  
> well anyway I split th epain into multiple chapters because it's quite lengthy and I'm a sadist  
> anyway please leave a comment below on your thoughts and feedback, it means the world to me.  
> Thanks for reading I hope you like it??????

** Castiel: **

Castiel sat in English, tapping his pencil nervously on the desk, resting his chin in his palm and barely listening to Mr. Shurley as he droned on about more poetry. He was lost in his thoughts, trying to think of what song they were going to do, how he was going to sneak out of the house that late for the auditions and for the show, and how he was going to get on stage without passing out in front of the entire school.

Cas had started tapping his pencil so furiously he didn't even notice Mr. Shurley calling his name.

"Castiel? Castiel! Castiel!" Cas was startled out of his nervous temper and stared towards the front of the room in shock,

"Y-yes Mr. Shurley?" he mumbled.

"Castiel, if you aren't too busy trying to drill a hole through your desk, I was asking if you would like to share another poem? Your submission last week was very good, and I have been asking my favorites to submit another poem just for the heck of it. A few of your classmates have already read, would you like to do the same?" Mr. Shurley leaned against the whiteboard and smiled at Cas.

He had always liked Castiel more than other students because of his exemplary ability to write and his advanced reading and comprehension, but he had often remarked on Castiel’s anxiety when put in front of others.

"U-uh I haven't prepared anything sir," Cas mumbled, trying to avoid the embarrassment before realizing this was nothing compared to the talent show, so he might as well suck it up and give it a shot.

"Actually," Cas corrected, "I have something that might work."

Mr. Shurley smiled and gestured for Cas to take the front. Cas shuffled out of the desk, grabbing his notebook and taking deep breaths as he walked slowly to the front, trying to keep his breathing level. He cleared his throat once he got to the front and started reading one of his latest entries,

"How could you be only human  
when you touch me  
without making contact with my body,  
when your eyes  
burn holes into my soul,  
and your voice  
makes me want to crawl  
out of my own skin?  
How could you be only human  
when you have the sacred power  
to either destroy me  
or strengthen me for life,  
when you hold  
my world in your hands?  
How could you be only human  
when your eyes hold the universe,  
when you are the center  
of our galaxy,  
when you can decide  
whether I will go insane?  
How could you be only human when you’re clearly a masterpiece?"

Cas closed his eyes and took a deep breath as he finished, waiting a second before opening his eyes and seeing the class applauding him, soon he felt Mr. Shurley clap him on the back, and he wobbled back to his desk, still glassy-eyed and breathed heavily.

Cas rested his forehead in his hands and dug the heels of his palms into his eyes. He had done it, he had poured his heart out in front of the class, and he had survived. Suddenly, the prospect of singing in front of the school seemed a little less dark, and a bit more plausible, but it still made tremors go through Castiel's entire body as he waited out the rest of the class period.

The bell rang soon after and Castiel leaped out of his seat and rushed to APUSH, excited at the thought that he’d be able to discuss their performance with Dean. Although he was still trembling at the idea, he knew that with Dean standing next to him they'd be able to pull it off, and if it sounded anything like before, they were going to kill it.  
Cas practically jumped into his seat, eager to spill everything to Dean. Once he turned to Dean, though, it was apparent Dean had the same idea based on the enthusiastic look on his face. Cas could read Dean like a book at this point, and he understood everything Dean wanted to say, smiling from ear to ear as Dean did the same.

After studying Dean fall in and out of sleep for 20 minutes, Cas was in the middle of trying to balance a pencil on Dean's nose when the teacher announced they were going to do some partner work and that they should choose partners now or else they would be selected at random. Cas immediately moved his desk to Dean's. He did so rather loudly to show the blonde across the room that had been staring at Dean all day who was boss.

Cas laughed when Dean jumped at the sound and resisted the urge to kiss those beautiful, perfect lips. To show everybody that Dean was his and he was Dean's that nothing could ever tear them apart.

Instead, he explained, "We're doing partner work, Dean. That bitchy blonde over there had her eye on you, so I had to move quickly, sorry if I startled you."  
Cas said, still glaring at the blonde who was now sizing him up, judging him. Cas feigned confidence when in reality, he felt the marks of her eyes leave trails of fire raking up and down his body and her judgment crawling all over him like spiders, he wanted to curl into a ball and hide; he tried not to, keeping his composure if only for a few more seconds.

Cas was startled out of his staring match by Dean barking a laugh and leaning over to kiss Cas' cheek, leaving the blonde slack-jawed. Blushing furiously as Dean leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, Cas tried to pay attention but found himself only leaning over to return the gesture; still amused at the blonde's reaction, they focused on their work, if only for a few more minutes before the inevitably became distracted again.

A few minutes into the work that neither of them had even thought of starting, the boys were deep in conversation of how they were possibly going to pull this off. It was slightly comforting to Castiel to know that Dean was just as nervous as he was. Dean mentioned he had wanted to perform 'I Won't Give Up' because it held such emotional gravity with the both of them. Cas wholeheartedly agreed and couldn't help himself from kissing the nervous frown off of Dean's face, if only for a second before the instructor noticed them.

"That's a fantastic idea, Dean!" he exclaimed.

After a few more minutes of careful deliberation, they decided that they would perform with Cas on the piano because he was better and Dean on guitar, considering only Dean knew how to play guitar. Dean was tapping his fingers a bit when he realized he'd be playing by himself but Cas held his hand gently, and he calmed down. Cas couldn't help but feel that this, all of this, was just too damn good to be true and he had no idea how it was going to be ruined but he knew it would and it made his heart feel like lead.  
To try and distract himself, Cas suggested Dean should sing the beginning Cas knew his voice was far rougher and he hated it, but Dean never let him forget how much he loved it. Cas knew if he warmed up properly he could sing higher parts as well so he suggested harmonizing and adding to certain parts, so Dean didn't strain his voice, he still got sore sometimes after blowing out his voice from screaming after those particularly bad anxiety attacks.

Cas stood up to scoot his desk back in place as Dean knelt under the table to grab his stuff. Suddenly, he felt a tug on his collar. He squeaked as Dean pulled him under the desk and crashed their lips together, lingering longer than was probably acceptable in a classroom.

Then, just as quickly as it had started, Cas was left dumbstruck as Dean smiled and ran out of the classroom. Cas had to remind himself to breathe and was left gently touching his lips as he wondered why that kiss made his lungs sink to his toes and his heart leap out of his throat. Cas wasn't exactly sure what just happened, but it felt like a goodbye for some reason.

As Cas slowly came back into reality, he managed to gather his stuff and was halfway to his third period when he felt a sharp tug on the back of his shirt. This didn't feel the same as when Dean had done it, this hurt and Cas had no idea what was happening as he felt himself fall to the ground, coughing after having been choked by the sharp pull on the neck of his shirt. Cas tried to yell as he felt himself being dragged out one of the exit doors right next to where he was standing but a rough hand slapped over his mouth, and he could hear whispered threats.

There were spots in Cas' vision, and his attackers were behind him, and he didn't dare turn his head, but he gathered that there were multiple people, presumably jocks, currently dragging him through the grass behind the school. He grabbed and pulled at his collar where he was being held, gasping for breath. He could hear the fabric beginning to tear and rip, but it didn’t loosen enough for him to be able to breathe. Castiel had no idea what to do, he assumed these were the jocks from the bus site, but they had never paid him any attention during school, he had no clue what was happening, and he felt like crying until he couldn’t feel anything anymore.

** Dean: **

During class, Dean ran over his ideas for the show, not bothering to pay much attention to the formulas on the board, he had already learned all this in his last school, he had aced every test and saw no need to pay attention.

He doodled on his paper and decided that, so long as Cas agreed, Dean really wanted to perform 'I Won't Give Up' because it meant so much to the both of them and they sounded so incredible when they performed it together. Dean smiled softly to himself remembering the past weekend, the abrupt shrill sound of the bell ringing interrupted Dean's thoughts.

He picked up his books and darted out of the classroom and into second period, eager to make sure Cas was still doing alright. He had faith that Cas would come around but he knew this was going to be a stretch of both of their comfort zones. Once Dean had sat down in his usual seat, Cas arriving only moments later, they both looked at each other with wide eyes.

Dean instantly understood from Cas' expression, he was panicking but he was also a little pumped for this crazy decision. Dean could feel himself breaking into a wide grin and his heart jumped a bit when Cas did the same, they turned silently to the front and paid attention. Dean realized Cas must have understood from Dean's expression as well and that all too familiar heat pooled in his stomach and chest and he could feel himself smiling like an idiot.

Later in the class, Dean was dozing off during a particularly boring tangent when the teacher stopped talking and he heard shuffling around the room. Dean opened his eyes and looked over at Cas who was scooting his desk to connect to Dean's. 

"Wha's happenin' Cas?" Dean slurred intelligently, rubbing his eyes and yawning. "We're doing partner work, Dean.” He answered curtly.

A few minutes later, they had given up on the work, opting instead to discuss their strategy for the performance. Dean mentioned shyly that he thought it might be a good idea to use 'I Won't Give Up' and he almost had to physically restrain himself from kissing Cas when his face lit up at the suggestion, it didn't matter though, because Cas surged in and kissed Dean fiercely but briefly so they weren't noticed.

"How about you sing the beginning and the really slow parts, your voice is more smooth and sexy, and I'll join in the rising, louder parts like the chorus and bridge, I'll add something here and there to the beginning to if you want." Cas had suggested.

"That sounds great, Cas. Wait- you think my voice is sexy?" Dean asked, wiggling his eyebrows and dropping his voice.

"Extremely" Cas whispered, he sounded incredibly sexy and Dean struggled with not wrapping his arms around Cas and kissing him until he passed out.

Both boys started to laugh but reduced it to quiet snickers behind their hands and snorts when they realized they were supposed to be working and the topic wasn’t exactly very funny.

After the bell rang Dean knelt under the table to grab his stuff and pulled Cas down by his shirt collar, kissing him hard and running off to his car without another word. 

He was so in love with Cas.

He was fucking screwed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH ALSO ONE MORE THING I FORGOT TO ADD IM SOR SORRY
> 
> Thank you so so much to whoever wrote the incredible poem. Once again I wrote this chapter over a year ago and have no idea which user on tumblr I got it from but full credit to them and their amazing work, sorry.


	15. Literal Trash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Cas? Cas baby can you hear me?" Dean waited for a thump or a few words, anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TRIGGER WARNING FOR A LOT OF VIOLENCE AS WELL AS INTENSE HOMPHOBIA AND HOMOPHOBIC SLURS also pain lots of pain*  
> Idk about you guys but im tired af
> 
> I might just be insane (yep) but I think this is one of my better written scenes??????? and I actually like it a lot (for once).   
> It's pretty goddamn long though, so that's why it'll be split into this chapter and probably only one more.   
> Cas doesn't have much of a starring role,,,, considering he is actually unconscious for most of it so,,,  
> anyway thank you so much for reading, please leave a comment below letting me know what you think.  
> I love you all and I cant even begin to explain how incredible 900+ hits is, you're amazing.   
> pls enjoy this very painful chapter

**Castiel:**

 

Soon the voices stopped talking, and they dropped Cas on the cement, he probably would've injured his head again if not for his backpack underneath him, elevating his head from the ground. Cas gasped and breathed in as much as he could, like a beached whale struggling for air. The spots in his vision began clearing, and Cas could see his assailants clearly now, there were four of them, two he recognized from the bus stop and two he had seen around school before.

 

Cas had no idea how far they had come; he must have blacked out at one point because he still felt a throbbing pain in his head. He looked around, terrified. Cas didn't have much time to assess the situation before he was roughly picked up again, held against the brick wall by one of the jocks named Alastair. Alastair shoved his forearm against Castiel's throat, holding him in place as he gripped Cas' hair tightly.

 

"Hey, overdose! Long time no see huh?" he sneered as Cas gasped and struggled to breathe, trying in vain to kick and squirm out of Alastair's hold, only to be restrained against the wall by the other jocks.

 

"I always knew you were a loser, Novak, but a _faggot_? I never took you for the type. Now imagine my _surprise_ " Alastair accentuated the word with a sharp tug on Castiel's hair, "when I see you and that new kid, Winchester, giggling and kissing like a couple of _bitches_."

 

Castiel could hardly breathe as Alastair pushed his arm harder against his throat; Cas' hands scrabbled at Alastair's elbows, trying desperately to save himself. Alastair leaned into Cas and whispered in his ear,

 

"You're garbage, Novak, you're a worthless, disgusting faggot and you should be put in your place." Cas resisted whimpering as he felt himself begin to go limp as spots appeared in his vision.

 

Suddenly, the pressure on his hair was released, and Alastair removed his forearm. Cas dropped to the ground harshly, and his knees stung, but he didn't care. He was on all fours, gasping for air. He wanted to die when he felt those rough hands grab him again, he wanted out of this pain, but soon he felt himself being thrown down again, he opened his eyes when he realized he was not on the ground. The smell hit him instantly; he was in a dumpster. He looked up at Alastair's face, sneering at him.

 

"Feel like home yet? You fuckin' piece of garbage." Alastair shut the lid with a loud clang that left Castiel's ears ringing. From the outside, Cas could hear a pop and click, probably indicating they had put a lock on the lid. That was the last straw. Cas could hear the jocks walking away, but he didn't care, Cas screamed and beat the dumpster as hard as he could for what felt like hours. His throat was already in immense pain but he vowed to scream until his throat was raw and bleeding and until the bones in his hands shattered.

 

He just couldn't take it anymore.

 

Where was Dean?

 

Would he even find him like this?

 

A few minutes later Cas wiped a few tears from his cheeks and tried to calm down. He realized he had his phone in his backpack and prayed it hadn't been smashed when he was dropped or being dragged. He took it out and kissed the piece of metal as he realized lunch was over in 3 minutes, he hoped Dean was back by now.

 

Dean answered on the second ring.

 

"Hello? Cas? Is everything alright?" Dean sounded mildly concerned, Cas never called during school.

 

Castiel broke down in tears again after hearing Dean's voice, only managing to sputter out,

 

"D-Dean."

 

"Cas? Cas what's wrong? What happened?" Dean's voice filled with concern and worry and Cas felt a faint rush of gratitude.

 

"Alastair" Cas mumbled weakly, his throat sore as he realized he would probably be seriously bruised.

 

"Cas I'm pulling into the parking lot, where are you?" Dean's voice was louder now than it had been before and Cas had to pull the phone away from his ears to stop the ringing from getting worse because of the loud noise.

 

"Dean, I'm in- I'm in the dumpster behind-" Cas coughed and tried to keep talking, trying to ignore how fragile and scratchy his voice sounded.

 

"You're in the dumpster? Fuck, Cas. I'll be there in a minute. Do you want me to stay on the line?"

 

"Hurry" Cas mumbled weakly, hanging up and wondering vaguely why he always had to be saved from injury by Dean as if he was some damsel in distress.

 

**Dean:**

 

Dean sped out of the room, his cheeks still on fire from the kiss. For some reason, despite it being so brief, it felt so charged and heated that Dean still felt like running back into the room and kissing Cas until neither of them could breathe. But Dean knew if he wanted to make it back to class on time and still make it to talk to his parents, he would have to hurry. Dean sped out through the glass doors and into the Impala, feeling better than he had in days, a genuine smile on his face for the first time in what seemed like forever. Dean laughed and turned the stereo up louder as he drove.

 

Once Dean arrived at the cemetery, he walked the path he had followed thousands of times before, taking a moment to remember his first kiss with Cas, under the oak tree above his parents' headstones. Dean grinned softly at the memory and sat cross-legged in front of his mother's headstone.

 

"Hey mom, it's me again, I'm feeling a lot better today.” Dean took a deep breath before continuing.

“It's because of him, mom. I- I love him, mom. I really do, I love him so much that I can feel it pumping through my veins and it's all I've felt for months now. I didn't realize it before; I suppose I couldn’t put a label on it. Is this how it felt to love dad? Did you guys have this?” he paused.

“I guess what I'm trying to say is, I love him, mom. I love him more than anything and I- I know you would love him too. I'll talk to you tomorrow." Dean wiped a stray tear from his cheek and stood up, kissing Mary's gravestone, whispering a small 'I love you' and doing the same to his father's headstone before walking back down the path. He shoved his hands in his pockets and hummed 'Hey Jude' softly to himself, trying to keep his mind on all of the good memories rather than the bad.

 

Dean had only just picked up speed on the road back to the school when he felt a buzz in his back pocket. Dean could immediately tell that something was wrong, the only people with Dean's number were Sam, Bobby and-

 

"Cas? Cas what's wrong? What happened?"

 

Dean had answered on the second ring, and he could feel his face go pale as he heard how weak and broken Cas sounded, stepping on the gas and making a 10-minute drive closer to a 5 minute one.

 

All Cas had been able to say was a name and Dean had never heard it before. He was beginning to panic; he silently cursed himself for leaving Cas alone, knowing he was a target for some pretty nasty bullies. Dean's heart was racing, and he hoped whatever had happened wasn't too serious.

“Dean, I'm in- I'm in the dumpster behind-" Cas coughed, and Dean had to bite his cheek to keep from letting out a strangled yell at how scratchy Cas' voice was.

 

Dean desperately tried to ignore how similar Cas sounded to how Bobby had sounded after getting that neck injury. Dean skidded into the parking lot, slamming the door closed and sprinting to the back of the school, running faster than he ever had in his life.

 

The only thing going through his mind, a single word repeated over and over, clouding his consciousness and flooding his body.

 

"Please."

 

He chanted silently, not slowing down until he could see the trash bin in front of him. Dean tried to keep his voice level and his hands from shaking too much as he violently shook the padlock on the lid of the bin, banging on it and yelling as loud as he could.

 

"Cas? Cas! Cas are you in there? Please, Cas- Oh God- please let me know you're okay." Dean pleaded, holding his breath and holding back tears as he waited for a response.

 

Moments later Dean heard a weak thump on the wall of the dumpster and sighed languidly, trying to calm down enough to figure out a way to fix this. A flutter of panic rose in Dean's chest when he realized there was such limited oxygen it was a wonder Cas wasn't already out cold. Dean looked around frantically for something- anything- to bust the padlock with.

 

He pulled and wrenched, slamming the lock into the dumpster over and over with his hands until they were bloody and raw but he could barely feel it. All he knew, all he could think was that Cas was in there.

 

He was in there,

and he was hurt,

and there was nothing Dean could do.

 

He could still hear faint rough breathing from inside, but he didn't know how much longer he would last. Suddenly, he knew what he had to do, it was probably one of the worst ideas of his life but now wasn't exactly the time for careful deliberation.

 

"Cas? Cas baby can you hear me?" Dean waited for a thump or a few words, anything.

 

"Y-yes, Dean?" Cas responded, his voice noticeably cracking even through the walls of the dumpster.

 

"Cas, what was that name, that name you said earlier? Alastair? Is that who did this to you? Thump once for yes and twice for no Cas, please." Dean pressed his palms against the bin and tried to ignore the reeking stench. Not 5 seconds later he heard a soft thump, and Dean knew exactly what he had to do. And apparently, so did Cas, because only seconds later his voice was a bit louder,

 

"Go, Dean." Dean took off running through the entrance to the school, he didn’t know this kid by name but he figured running into a crowded hall and shouting the guy's name at the top of his lungs should do the trick.

 

After he had managed to get the attention of everyone in the hall, a tall, lanky kid swaggered to the front of the crowd and Dean instantly recognized him as the jock from that very first day at the bus site. His face reminded Dean of a snake, and it immediately gave him goose bumps. Dean couldn't control the rage boiling inside him, and when Alastair came closer, all Dean could focus on was the blood pounding in his ears and his raw hands now painfully clenched into tight fists. His nails were pressing painfully slow into the already torn and bloody flesh on his palms.

 

"Are you Alastair?" Dean growled through gritted teeth.

 

"Yeah, who's asking?" Alastair responded, his voice sticky and slow but in the worst way, and Dean could hear the taunting sneer in his voice.

 

That's when Dean lost control, the next thing he knew, his fist was connecting with Alastair's nose with a satisfying crunch, Alastair's head snapped backward. Dean knew he should stop but he just couldn't, he kept throwing punches until he was pinning the other guy down.

 

"Don't you ever, EVER, touch my boyfriend again you piece of SHIT. I will fucking END you." Dean screamed. He had never used the ‘b’ word before but now didn’t seem like the time for thoughtful reflection on feelings and emotions and all that bullshit.

 

"Where is it?!" he shouted, violently shaking Alastair's shoulders, ignoring the yells and shouts from the crowd behind him.

 

"Where is what you lunatic?" Alastair mumbled weakly, head lolling to the side.

 

"The key!" Dean hissed. From another part of him, he knew this would end him in serious trouble, but he couldn't care less, he could feel arms around his shoulders, pulling him off but he wasn't done, he needed that key! He could hear Sam's voice shouting in his ear, desperately trying to pull his brother away but it sounded like he was miles away.

 

In the struggle Dean noticed a glint of metal poking out of Alastair's pocket. Dean snatched the key, shouldered out of Sam's hold and took off sprinting out the exit doors, praying to whoever was listening that this wasn't the end.


	16. Wake Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why won’t he wake up?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im a mess  
> this chapter is a mess
> 
> D R A M A T I C  
> AMIRITE  
> idfk  
> i hope you enjoy this painful couple chapters, please leave any feedback in the comments, I love you all so much thank you for reading!  
> I'm so incredibly grateful for you guys, WE REACHED 1000 i can still barely believe it. Thank you all SO much.

**Castiel:**

 

Cas opened his eyes blearily, immediately being met with a splitting headache and the feeling of a throbbing pain wrapped around his throat. He numbly reached up and pressed at his throat gently. It was swollen and sore but the pain did not increase with the gentle touch. It took Cas a moment to adjust to the light and even longer time spent surveying the room and his surroundings, willing his mind to catch up so he could remember what happened.

 

Soon it hit him and everything came flooding back, the kiss, the attack, being strangled and the dumpster. Castiel assumed he must've passed out inside the dumpster but how did he make it out?

 

What happened to Dean? _Dean_.

 

Another faint memory surfaced at the thought of his name, a bright light shining and there was someone screaming and a heavy pressure on his chest.

 

Cas couldn't make out the individual figures in the memory but he was almost certain the ear piercing screams were from Dean. Castiel felt a pang in his heart imagining the anguish Dean must've gone through, seeing Castiel out cold like that. Cas' hands shook as he realized it probably seemed as if he was dead.

 

He could only think of Dean, where was he?

 

Is he okay?

 

What happened after Cas passed out?

 

A million questions raced through Cas' mind and he felt like crying. He wanted to see Dean but he also couldn't bear Dean seeing him like this, he knew he wouldn't be able to speak very well and he was still really weak. Not to mention the splitting headache that came and went. Castiel wanted nothing more than to see Dean, to hold him, breathe him in, to tell him everything would be okay.

 

After a few moments, Cas felt himself slipping off back to sleep. He didn't have any nightmares, which was due to the tons of drugs pumping through his veins, but he woke a few times during his sleep because of the soft feeling of something in his hand. He didn't open his eyes though, he never put the pieces together to realize what was happening until he felt something wet fall into his palm.

 

**Dean (8 hours prior):**

Dean threw open the exit doors, breathing heavily now, a mixture of an impending panic attack and exhaustion from sprinting around the school. Dean skidded to a halt in front of the dumpster, hands shaking and breathing ragged as he managed to shove the key into the lock.

 

At the sound of the click Dean could've cried, could've leapt for joy, but he didn't. He didn't because when he looked inside, Cas had nasty blue and black bruising around his neck. His eyes were closed and his chest was barely even moving.

 

Dean bit his cheek; the corners of his eyes stinging as he reached in, grabbing Cas' limp form and dragging him out, cradling him to his chest as he gently laid him on the ground. Out of the corner of his eyes he could see a crowd forming around them; but that was the last thing on his mind. He needed to make sure Cas was okay, he needed to see those blue eyes open one more time, he needed to see that crooked smile and he needed to hear that voice- his voice; not the scratchy remnants of a voice he was left with now.

 

Dean had never gotten CPR certified, but he had seen it in plenty of movies and it was his best shot at this point. He could feel Cas' chest stop moving and he began to panic, yelling his name over and over, pumping on Cas' chest and trying to focus on a rhythm. He could feel his eyes start to water and he couldn't hold it back

 

Why won’t he wake up?

 

Dean could feel his voice get louder and more frantic but the whole situation seemed so surreal, this couldn't be happening, not to him, not to Cas. This couldn't be real; this had to be another nightmare. Dean couldn't even hold back when he felt his brother's strong hands grab his arms, dragging him away from Cas. It felt like he was watching this play out like a scene in a movie.

 

Dean struggled and kicked and screamed, nothing else mattered anymore except for Cas laying there bruised and broken, not breathing and there was nothing Dean could do. He fought Sam's grip and soon he felt himself falling on to the ground. In the back of his mind he felt a sharp, burning pain on his wrist where he had landed but he couldn't care less, nothing mattered more than for Castiel to just

 

_wake_

_up_.

 

He needed his angel.  

 

Seconds later lights began to flash and Dean could hear sirens growing closer, as soon as the ambulance came into view it all sort of fell out of place for Dean. He watched himself there on the ground, screaming, red in the face with tears still falling; a limp wrist and a crowd of silent people watching everything play out. Dean watched the final piece holding him together mentally just shatter the moment he saw the ambulance.

 

Sam was desperately trying to calm Dean down, trying to reassure him that Cas will be okay, that it was all going to be okay. Somewhere far in the back of his mind, Dean screamed and shouted at himself to stop, to just listen to Sam, to calm down, but that voice just wasn't loud enough to break the meltdown episode Dean was in.

 

The EMT's begin trying to load Cas on to the bed and Dean began lunging, Sam's grip on him only tightening. Soon his shouts become slightly more coherent.

 

"No! No!" he screamed, his throat begging him to stop as he felt the burn of his voice going out.

"You can't take him! Please! Please God don't take him!" at that point tears were streaming down Dean's face and he wasn't entirely sure who he was pleading to but it didn't matter.

 

Nothing mattered, Cas was being taken away and he might not ever wake up and it was all Dean's fault.

 

It was Dean's fault for leaving him,

 

For kissing him,

 

For loving him,

 

For _saving_ him that first day all those weeks ago.

 

It was his fault because the moment he introduced himself, the moment his cursed name left his mouth and entered the air, breaking the silence, Cas was cursed. It was all Dean's fault.

 

Soon Dean felt a small prick on the back of his neck and his screams instantly fell silent as he dropped, limp in Sam's arms as everything went black.


	17. Hollow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You’re my Cinderella."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dean is smol and still a lil behind pls forgive him
> 
> I love you all so much, we're almost at 1100!! Thank you all so much, it means the world to me :)))))
> 
> i hope you enjoy

**Castiel:**

 

Castiel cracked his eyes open after what seemed like the longest nap he'd ever had. It wasn't startling this time to look around and see a hospital room around him instead of his normal bedroom. Cas closed his eyes and drew in a long breath, exhaling slowly to try and unscramble his thoughts once again.

 

He felt something move in his hand and his eyes shot open.

 

Glancing slowly to his right, bracing himself as much as one can do while in a hospital bed. What he saw instantly made him relax but simultaneously shattered his heart into a million pieces.

 

It was Dean.

 

Or what was left of him anyway. His hair was messy and matted as if he had slept on it at the wrong angle. His head was hanging over the bed as he snored softly. Cas could see bags under his eyes from the angle he was looking and Dean had a small bruise around a hole on his neck as if he had been given a shot incorrectly. Cas continued to study Dean and his eyes traveled over his body, trying to forget why they were here and silently vowing to himself they wouldn't spend another night in the hospital as long as they lived.

 

His eyes slowly traveled down over Dean's freckled arms, studying the little marks thrown here and there to keep his tears at bay. He focused on the small scars and freckles dotting Dean’s arms.

 

This was all his fault and he knew he'd have to face Dean, and it just made Castiel's chest ache like there was a gaping hole devouring him inside and out. He had always known he didn't deserve Dean but that didn't mean it would hurt any less when this all ended. The image of Dean's untidy scrawl in the letter that had been addressed to Cas flashed through his mind. Cas had read that letter so many times it was engraved in his mind, he could never forget those first 5 sentences.

 

_One day, I'm gonna hurt you Cas. One day this, whatever this is and whatever we make it will crumble to dust because of me and that's just who I am, that's what I do. What hurts the most is knowing you'll be left to pick up the pieces. It's so freaking dangerous Cas, getting close to me, but for some ungodly reason, you've chosen to give it a shot._

 

Cas couldn't hold back any longer, a tear dripped slowly down his face and fell from his chin to the bed sheet below their hands. It was then that Castiel's eyes traveled down and noticed Dean had his hand gripped tightly and that the wet sensation he'd been feeling earlier had been...tears?

 

Just the thought of Dean crying because of him made this all so much harder. Dean was so sweet and beautiful, he was perfect in every way and Cas couldn't help but feel he was so unworthy of even being near Dean. He tried not to think of how Dean _somehow_ felt the same thing about him.

 

It was astounding.

 

Castiel shut his eyes forcefully and let a few more tears fall before taking a few deep breaths and leaning down to plant a long kiss in to Dean's messy brown hair.

 

"Dean. Dean. Wake up. Sweetheart, wake up." Cas was whispering softly into Dean's hair and laughed softly when Dean stirred and whined a bit, clearly forgetting where they were and why.

 

"Since when am I sweetheart?" Dean asked groggily, blinking a few times and smiling up at Cas.

 

"Would you rather I call you kitten? Honey bun? Cutie pie?" Cas punctuated each name with another kiss and found himself simply smiling softly into Dean's mess of hair, resting and trying to forget the world around them. Cas inhaled deeply and heard Dean do the same as both of their moods fell after crashing back to reality.

 

"I'm so sorry Cas." Dean croaked out. Only after they stopped whispering did the state of both of their voices come into light. Dean was hoarse, like he had blown out his voice screaming at an amusement park. Cas on the other hand, could barely do more than whisper like he had been before. The only thing he could manage above a whisper was a horrible, scratchy, croak.

 

"Sorry for what, Dean?" Cas whispered, inhaling again before removing his face from Dean's hair to look him in the eyes.

 

Dean looked down at their hands ashamedly and began stuttering out another apology. After a few moments it became clear he was apologizing about the talent show, of all things. Cas would've laughed if he wasn't so hyper-focused on Dean. How could he possibly think that stupid show mattered at all? Both of their voices were shot and it looked like Dean had a temporary splint on his wrist, meaning he wouldn’t be able to play.

 

Castiel had to kiss Dean to make him stop mumbling and tripping over his own apology. Cas placed his thumbs on Dean's jaw where his sideburns grew and wrapped his fingers around Dean's ears and neck. He leaned in and pressed firmly pressed his lips to Dean's. Dean was shocked at first but soon melted into the kiss. They hadn't kissed in so long and it felt better than anything ever had. Soon Cas pulled back and closed his eyes, pressing his forehead to Dean's.

 

"You idiot," he mumbled, smiling softly.

 

"I don't give a flying _fuck_ about that talent show, Dean. I just want you to be okay. I want you to be safe; I want _us_ to be safe. I want to be with you forever and I want to wake up with you every morning. I want to tell you I love you every chance I get because somehow I've been forgetting to remind you just how much I love you lately. I don't deserve you; I don't _deserve_ to be this happy. But I am. And it's because of you. I love you, Dean. Do you hear me? I love you goddammit! And I'll never stop loving you as long as I live. We're just a couple of stupid ass teenagers caught in a story straight out of a shitty rom-com but guess what?" Cas took a deep breath as Dean opened his eyes, tears were on the verge of spilling down those freckled cheeks and Castiel wouldn't have it.

 

"What?" Dean croaked, his voice was thick with tears now and it made talking even harder.

 

"You’re my Cinderella."

 

Dean burst out laughing, his eyes crinkling at the corners as he sniffed back the tears.

 

"Why am I always Cinderella?” Dean said between laughs and small kisses on the cheek.

 

"You have to admit," Cas whispered, laughing at Dean's surge of affection. "You do have the body for it."

 

“Well then what does that make you, hotshot? My Prince Charming in shining armor?"

 

“You’ve got that right.”

 

Both boys laughed for a few more minutes; soon they found themselves just kissing for the hell of it. Because they were in the hospital and these circumstances were so many miles from ordinary, so why the hell not? Soon though, the doctor knocked on Castiel's door and politely asked Dean to return to his room, it was getting late. Dean shakily stood up; he had been sitting for hours in the same uncomfortable plastic chair. Cas wished he had invited him in the bed, there was plenty of room. Castiel kissed Dean's hand as he left, allowing the doctor to check his vitals as he watched Dean walk out of the door and back to his room. Cas fell asleep with a smile on his face for this first time in days that night.

 

**Dean (2 hours prior):**

The first thing Dean knows is light, a lot of light flooding all around him. He squints and blinks a few times, trying to accustom himself to the bright lights flooding the room.

 

The room, where was he anyway?

 

Dean reached up to rub the sleep out of his eyes to get a better view at his surroundings. Immediately he felt a sharp stabbing pain go through his wrist when he tried to move it. He looked down in confusion at his wrist, bandaged and sore, a splint supporting it for the time being. It looked swollen and bruised with dried blood caked all over his palms. Dean stared at his wrist in confusion for a few moments before looking around his room.

 

A hospital room?

 

Well that made sense because he'd apparently broken his wrist, but how? Dean surveyed the room for a moment longer before he realized his right hand was clenched tightly. He unfurled his fist and found a small silver key. Suddenly, everything came flooding back to him. It rushed forward and drowned his consciousness as everything came back to memory.

 

The call,

 

the fight,

 

everything.

 

_"Cas"_ Dean whispered harshly, his voice cracking as he broke down into tears. It was all coming back and it was all too _much_ to live through a second time.

 

Dean couldn't control himself from dissolving until silent sobs wracked his body, all he could think, two words that kept carving themselves and searing through his mind.

 

"He's _gone._ " Dean whispered brokenly to himself, wiping his face and resting his face in his palm.

 

This _couldn't_ be happening, this _couldn't_ be real, but there was no other explanation, Cas was _gone_.

 

Dean didn't even have enough energy to guilt himself any more. As tears continued like rivers carving tracks in the dust covering Dean's face, he absently realized that they were being absorbed by some gauze plastered on his nose.

 

All Dean could think of once he gained more consciousness and had calmed down just a bit was everything he loved most about Cas, all the things he'd never be able to see, to feel again. He thought of his eyes, those bright blue eyes that twinkled when he smiled. He thought of his soft pink lips, his dark hair that never quite stayed combed and his gravelly voice that became like silk when he sang.

 

He wasn’t sure why he was so certain Cas was gone, but his mind was so foggy that all he could think of were how both of his parents died in ambulances.

 

The last time he saw his mother was from the bench of an ambulance.

 

Dean knew there was no point in disagreeing with the empty, gut-wrenching _hollowness_ he felt right now. He was dead certain; his angel was gone.

 

Dean sniffed a few more times, wiping his eyes with the back of his uninjured hand in an attempt to calm down. He felt so empty, so broken inside that he could only rest his head on the stiff hospital pillow and stare at the ceiling, his mind blessedly silent for the time being. He felt like he had been carved out and all that remained was a broken shell of a man.

 

Soon Dean was startled out of his grief by a knock on the door. Sam's shaggy hair was the first thing Dean saw before he had to bite his lip to keep from bursting into tears again.

 

He didn't even dare open his mouth out of fear that he would break down again and he couldn't do that in front of Sammy; not after such a destructive episode earlier.

 

Dean turned away from Sam and screws his eyes shut, trying to keep his breathing steady. He couldn’t help feeling ashamed and resoundingly _weak_ for how he had acted around Sam. Dean was supposed to be Sam's protector, his role model, his rock; he wasn't supposed to be so easy to break.

 

He felt Sam take his hand and squeeze it tight; all Dean could think was how _cold_ Sam's hands were. He knows he should pay more attention to what Sam was saying but his brain felt like a dense fog was shrouding his mind. He absently caught a few comforting words as well as something about being suspended for 2 weeks. Sam rubbed Dean's knuckles with his thumb comfortingly before saying three words that cut through the silence of the hospital room, three words Dean couldn't have ignored if he tried.

 

"He's awake, Dean."


	18. Hurricane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know you better than anybody in the world does

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little catch up background chapter focusing on what Deano was doing while we were all stressin bout bby Cas
> 
> also i havent been able to write the next chapter for Cas hhhhhhh what happens next idfk 
> 
> also ive been swamped lately so sorry this is all i could pump out i apologize for the trash but I felt like I just had to get something out
> 
> THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR 1200 HITS I COULDNT HAVE ASKED FOR MORE IN MY WILDEST DREAMS ;O;
> 
> anyway thanks again for reading leave a comment telling me what you think and I'll see you when I see you i guess

**Dean (still not caught up this is in the past, just after Dean finds out that Cas is alive):**

 

Dean practically threw himself off the bed, crying out in pain as he accidentally put weight on his injured wrist. Sam gently guided him back into the bed and Dean tried to struggle.

 

"I'm not a goddamn grandma on life support Sammy; I can take care of myself." He mumbled gruffly, sitting upright as Sam kept his hands on Dean's shoulders so he wouldn't try to run again.

 

"Sure you can Dean, that's why you've landed yourself in the hospital and almost killed a student." Sam said smugly.

 

Dean looked at the corner of the room and mumbled, "He deserved it."

 

Sam breathed out a laugh and a sigh at the same time, Dean wasn't sure what it was but it was a lot of morning breath blown directly in his direction.

 

"Dude, cut the shit. You know I need to see him. I need to make sure he's okay, you know that." Dean said, trying not to pout like a toddler.

 

"I know, Dean. Believe me I want to watch you guys make heart eyes at each other and get married and have adorable children too, but he needs his rest right now."

 

Dean tried to ignore the comment, "Sam. You do know I'll just hightail it out of here once you leave right?" Dean deadpanned.

 

Sam laughed softly again and shook his head, standing up and opening the door to leave.

 

"Of course I do, Dean; you’re my big brother. I know you better than anybody in the world does. That's why I was going to tell you to at least wait until I was in the waiting room so I can't be held accountable." Dean grinned and thanked his brother as Sam closed the door behind him.

 

It took a few seconds to undo the IV drip but once he was free of all the wires and tubes Dean shakily got out of bed and slipped on his shoes from the desk beside him, wandering down the hallway for a moment before realizing he had no idea what room Cas was in.

 

After a few more minutes of wandering around and peering through cracks of doors and windows, he finally found the room. Cas looked just like he had when Dean saw him last and he felt a lump rise in his throat as he saw Cas laying there, peaceful and beautiful, as he should be. Dean tried not to look at Cas' severely bruised neck, focusing instead on his unruly dark hair, his eyelids that fluttered every so often, his hands that were folded neatly over his stomach which was rising and falling evenly with each breath. Dean breathed a sigh of relief, none of this was ideal, but at least he was _here,_ he was okay.

 

They were going to be okay.

 

Dean walked over to the green plastic chair next to the bed, sitting down and softly taking Castiel's hand in his, running his thumb over Cas' knuckles. He sat there for minutes that could've easily been hours, he had no idea. Nothing else mattered but here and now, and soon Dean realized he was crying. He would've laughed in any other situation, in these past few months he's cried more than he has in his entire life. His father would probably call him a pussy but Dean really couldn't afford to think that way right now. Instead he tried to focus on studying Cas' features and body in its most peaceful state. Soon, Dean felt his eyelids begin to droop and rested his head against Cas' warm thigh, breathing in a shaky deep breath before slipping off to a dreamless sleep.

 

Dean woke up a few hours later, feeling better than he had when he went to sleep but not by very much. He felt a warm tickling sensation on his head and worried for a split second that he was bleeding or that there was some sort of bug in his hair. That is, until he remembered where he was and felt the brush of Cas’ lips on his head, mumbling something about how he should wake up.

 

 _Wait a second_ Dean thought. _Did he just call me_ sweetheart? _I mean it’s adorable and I love it, but hell, I guess I just keep forgetting he sees me in that way. It has been weeks and I still can’t even call him the B word to his face. Sweetheart works though._

 

“Since when am I sweetheart? Dean wondered aloud, blinking the sleep out of his eyes.

 

He was still groggy but he knew they’d be allowed to leave soon, and as much as he wanted to leave the hospital, outside the world was a hell of a lot more confusing and Dean knew they’d have to take it one step at a time until they could figure it all out.

 

What were they going to do?

 

How were they going to survive the hurricane they’d been thrust into?

 

Dean knew the cliche bullshit answer was that they’d get through it together but it was evident that he and Cas both had their demons and sometimes the monsters won. It wasn’t as easy as saying ‘I love you’ and forgetting all your problems. Eventually Dean was ushered back to his room and he was still lost in thought. He had already been feeling like shit lately but this just made it all so much worse, the uncertainty of it all was getting overwhelming.


	19. Caught

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He is sin Castiel. You are broken." With each word he bore the blade just a bit deeper. "But we can fix you Castiel. There is still time to save you." Michael said, his voice airier and more calm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back  
> back again
> 
> *TRIGGER WARNING FOR VERY GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF VIOLENCE AND BLOOD/GORE AS WELL AS BRIEF MENTIONS OF SELF HARM*
> 
> sorry its been so long, application season has been pure torture and i was studying non-stop for a big test
> 
> anyway this is just a Cas POV because Deano has basically just been chillin at home and eating chips and makin milkshakes because hell if suspension aint the best thing 
> 
> anyway yeah this has a lot of action so  
> bam bam pow
> 
> pls leave a comment below letting me know what you think, I love you all and I can't possibly tell you how grateful I am for 1300 hits
> 
> stay alive frens

*2 weeks later*

 

**Castiel:**

Cas kicked rocks off of the path as he walked, absently shoving his hands into his pant pockets. His breath is coming out in small puffs in front of him and suddenly he's aware of how cold it's been getting lately. Dean’s suspension was extended to a month when Alistair’s parents threatened to sue the school unless Dean was punished more severely.  Castiel realized he was rolling his fingers together to keep them warm and wondered when he would be able to see Dean again. He hunched his shoulders against a particularly chilly breeze filtering through the few leaves left clinging to the trees in the forest. He always took this shortcut home because he loved the forest and walking alone amongst the trees and breathing it all in was one of his favorite things in the world. As he walked he thought, he'd learned that being alone with his own mind was usually not a good idea because more than likely he would think about topics he would otherwise like to avoid. He tried to push away those thoughts as often as he can but it's never usually enough. Soon his mood shifted and he found himself deep in thought, those recurring thoughts about Dean, that nagging voice in the back of his head screaming

 

_wrong,_

_wrong,_

_wrong_.  

 

He knew he didn't deserve to be this happy, to be with Dean. And he could feel himself absentmindedly scratching his arm, trying desperately to not think of Jimmy. Soon he was stuck battling with his own mind, pushing images of blue eyes fading and the smell of ash, drowning him and clinging to everything. He forced himself not to think of the smell of burning hair as he watched his brother-

 

He shoved his hand back in the pocket of his hoodie and shut his eyes forcefully tight to resist thinking of anything at all, thinking of Dean never seemed to help at times like that. Soon he exited the foliage and stepped out onto the asphalt, crossing the street and pulling out his key, unlocking the door as he had done thousands of times before.

 

As soon as he crossed the threshold something felt different, something was off. The air felt stagnant and Cas could feel the hair on his neck raise. He couldn't quite place it so he decided to just ignore it for now, walking over to the kitchen to lay his backpack down. But as he crossed the kitchen he noticed papers splayed out on the granite counter. Cas' brow furrowed as he realized those are all his drawings.

 

Well, not all of them; only the ones of Dean.

 

Cas was still lost and confused and beginning to feel a bit creeped out as he gathered up the papers, in no particular rush as Lucifer wasn't due home until tomorrow. He figured it must've been Gabe trying to mess with him or something. As he straightened the stack he heard a smooth voice from behind him and hot, sticky breath on his neck, making him shudder and sending chills down his spine, his toes curling.

 

"See anything you like?" Lucifer sneered quietly.

 

Cas' head shot up, his eyes wide and his body stiffening. Castiel couldn't even predict the hell he would go through this time and he absently wondered what Lucifer knew. Soon he heard footsteps coming down the stairs and he couldn't help himself, he had figured Lucifer was alone and he had no idea who else was in the house.

 

Turning around slowly he saw the face of his eldest brother, Michael, shaking his head and piercing Cas' eyes with a look of disgust and pity.

 

"I thought we had already solved this little _problem_ of yours Castiel?" Cas had never minded being called by his full name but in that moment he hated it like he had never hated anything ever before. He could feel his top lip curling into a defiant sneer.

 

Despite how brutal his brothers could be, he would never regret meeting and loving Dean, he felt dirty and unworthy but he never regretted it, not even for a second. As Cas was about to respond, Lucifer roughly grabbed his wrists and tied them together, slapping a hand over Cas' mouth. Cas knew there was no use in struggling but he still fought with everything he could. Castiel kicked and thrashed, trying desperately to free himself from Lucifers' hold, not even thinking about what he would do if he managed to break free.

 

Michael was still standing serenely and the foot of the stairs, exuding that grace and elegance that never failed to command respect. Cas had always admired it when he was younger. Before Michael had shown his true colors he had been Cas' favorite sibling. As Castiel continued to struggle Michael calmly strolled over to him and a well placed punch to the chin had Cas out cold.   


Cas stirred a few minutes later and felt his wrists bound together and tied to the back of a chair, the same with his ankles. He blinked a few times to clear his vision and looked around, he saw his bed to the left of him and his desk and closet, he recognized his bedroom and wondered how he got here before turning his head a bit to the side, he instantly regretted it. Michael and Lucifer were sitting a few feet in front of him, elbows resting on their knees and leaning forward and scowling as if entranced in discussion rather than waiting to beat the hell out of their baby brother.

 

"What the hell do you wa-"

 

"You don't get to speak unless spoken to!" Lucifer roared, slapping Cas so hard it would probably leave a mark.

 

Cas held back tears and tried to ignore his stinging cheek. Michael calmly picked up one of Cas' drawings and held it up so he could see it.

 

"Who is this Castiel" he asked, his voice laced with venom.

 

"Why do you care?" Cas asked, his spark of defiance still burning. He would not allow his brothers to hurt Dean.

 

Lucifer growled but Michael held up a hand to silence him.

 

"We just have your best interests at heart. Even though you might not appreciate it, we are trying to help you." Michael’s voice was practically hypnotic.

 

"Help me!?" Cas yelled.

 

Lucifer slapped him again and he swallowed his words. The room was beginning to spin a bit and the light shade of blue painted on his walls clouded his vision.

 

Michael cleared his throat and continued. "Yes, at first we thought this," he gestured to all of Cas, "was just a phase but now we see it is our mistake for letting your condition get worse."

 

Cas bit his tongue so hard it began to bleed. A sarcastic retort would only result in more pain.

 

"Anyway, father agrees it is in your best interests as well as the family's for Luke and I to ...straighten you out." Michael grinned a bit as he said the last few words, his hands twitching as if longing to begin the beating. Lucifer scowled at Michael when he used his given name, he always preferred the nickname Lucifer.

 

"Now, answer the question, Castiel. Who is this?" Cas shook his head and clenched his jaw, receiving another hard slap from Lucifer. His eyes were starting to water uncontrollably but he knew he wouldn't be able to live with himself knowing he cried in front of his brothers at a time like this.

 

"Answer the question Castiel. Who. Is. This." Michael's voice began to get harder and more impatient and Cas felt a pang of fear in his heart when he thought of what would happen when Michael finally lost his temper. Before he could control himself, Cas spoke evenly, his voice wavered a bit but he sounded more confident than he felt now or had ever felt in his life.

 

"That's my boyfriend." He said, holding his head high and making eye contact with Lucifer as he punched him this time.

 

Cas closed his eyes and lowered his head, taking deep breaths and letting a single tear fall before thinking of Dean, hoping no harm ever came to him because of this, because of him. He wouldn't be able to live with himself knowing he caused someone he loved pain yet again. Cas silently mouthed an 'I love you' before slowly raising his head again and fixing Michael with a steely glare.

 

He could feel cuts on his face burn from the punch but he didn't let it show.

 

"Tell me Michael," Cas started calmly. Michael held up a hand again to tell Lucifer to let Cas speak. "Have you ever known what it is to love? To be loved?"

 

"Yes, Castiel, I have found love and mercy in the face of our lord, a face you will never see if you continue on this path." Michael said, brushing off his knees as he stood up slowly.

 

"Pity, maybe you should try it with a real person next time. Maybe then you would understand when I tell you."

 

"Tell me what Castiel?" Michael said, his teeth gritted and his fists clenched as he stood proudly, making himself tall so he towered over Cas.

 

"To _fuck_ off because I love him. I love him and I always will and there's nothing you can do. " Cas tried not to cringe at hearing himself say such a cliche statement, almost smiling to himself thinking of the mock disgusted face Dean would've made.

 

He spat blood into Michael's face and the punch to the nose and gut that followed were no surprise. Unfortunately, Cas didn't have the luxury of passing out this time as his head lolled to rest on his shoulder, blood dripping from his cheek and onto his shirt but Cas hardly noticed. His eyes felt droopy and they fluttered close for an instant before he felt a sharp, burning pain dragging across his forearm.

 

There was an enormous blade slicing into his forearm, deep but not enough to need stitches. His eyes shot open and his head thrust backwards as a hand fisted itself in his hair and pulled.

 

Cas screamed out, the pain in his arm combined with everything that had happened was just too much. He tried desperately not to think of how similar this was to the recurring nightmare he had been having. Cas screamed at the top of his lungs but he knew it was no use, their house was too far away from all the others and Gabe was at Sam's house. Michael lifted the blade from his arm and brought it to his cheek, just below the bone, laying the tip gently on his skin, twisting it ever so slightly so a single drop of blood formed around the tip and fell.

 

"Hurts doesn't it? It's nothing compared to the fires of _hell_." He said, emphasizing the word with a sharp tug on Cas' hair. Lucifer stood calmly to the side, smirking slightly.

 

"He is sin Castiel. You are broken." With each word he bore the blade just a bit deeper. "But we can fix you Castiel. There is still time to save you." Michael said, his voice airier and more calm.

 

He twisted the blade further into Castiel's cheek, he cried out in pain.

 

"All you have to do is tell the truth Castiel. Admit it. Admit that this is an insane fantasy and that you are broken. You don't love him Castiel." He dragged the blade a few centimeters along Cas' cheekbone.

 

The pain was so much worse than how it felt on his wrists, for whatever reason. There was fire spreading across his face and he wanted nothing more than to scream and beg for mercy, for Michael to just stop. Cas shut his eyes hard and clenched his jaw, staying silent. Michael's eyes filled with a sudden rage as he swiped the blade down until it reached Castiel's chin, clearly unsatisfied with his silence.

 

"You ungrateful little-" Michael roared and pushed the blade in to Cas' arm just below the shoulder, he knew it wouldn't harm him permanently but he could still make it hurt. Cas screamed even louder this time, his eyes shut forcefully tight and his throat dry from screaming.

 

Michael smiled devilishly and asked again, twisting the blade almost a full 90 degrees and Castiel screamed until his voice went out and it just hurt too much to justify any sound he could make, he was just so exhausted and it all hurt so much. Cas looked him in the eye and shook his head, his eyes half closed and his head resting on his shoulder. He still managed to turn and spit blood onto Michael's shoe though, he would've smiled if his cheek wasn't split open. Michael continued like this until Cas could barely keep his head from rolling to the side and the burning was all across his body, his blood splattered on the floor. He lifted Castiel's shirt and sliced at his stomach in the tissue on the surface, not leaving damage but still doing it in a sensitive enough area so Cas was in pure hell.

 

He had numerous bruises across his body thanks to Lucifer deciding to pitch in every once in awhile. At one point they stopped asking about the pictures and just started taking out their frustration on his body, screaming and pounding him until he could barely breathe, forcing his head up and making sure to slap him more than once on the cheek with the stinging cut, covering their hands with blood and causing Cas to shed more than a few tears in his shrieks of pain. The torture was unimaginable and he prayed for some sort of release, he even considered holding his breath, long enough to make it all just stop.

 

Michael asked again, panting as if he was tired, like he had just been on a morning run. Cas coughed a few times, clearing his throat of all the blood.

 

"Michael, you're going to have to kill me. See you in hell." Cas closed his eyes and sighed, bracing whatever he had left to receive another beating. But nothing happened. Soon he heard the clang of metal on wood and he opened his eyes to see Michael laying the blade down and wiping his hands off with a napkin. Lucifer began untying his wrists and ankles and Michael spoke slowly and softly.

 

"We'll resume this session once your cuts have healed. For now you will remain in this room. You will be given 2 meals a day and the door to the bathroom will be unlocked but the door to exit it will most certainly be locked. As will the door to your room." Luckily, the cuts weren't deep enough to need stitches.

 

Cas could tell this whole situation was calculated so Michael wouldn't have to take Cas to the hospital and face explanation. Cas rubbed his wrists absentmindedly, the feeling of the itchy material still chafing and rubbing against his bare wrists still there as Michael and Lucifer exited the room, the lock clicking as they closed the door. Cas tried to stand but his feet wobbled and he fell to the ground on his hands and knees. Cas tried to ignore the pools of blood on and around the chair, glad for once that his room wasn't carpeted. He realized they had left a first aid kit with bandaids and he would've laughed if he wasn't in so much pain. His body was on fire and everything hurt, he couldn't even breathe properly. Everything was coming back and he couldn't help it when the tears began flowing down his face. Soon he had curled up, holding his knees with his face planted into the dusty wood, trying to ignore the searing pain as his body was wracked with sobs. Soon the fatigue crept up on him and his body shut down, he needed rest.

 

Cas wasn't sure whether or not he wanted to wake up. He tried to think of Dean but his mind was blurry and soon he slipped off, his breathing finally level and his mind finally calm.


	20. Discovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Dean!” the speaker was interrupted by a series of violent, raspy coughs. “Dean!” he continued. “No!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life's a bitch, sorry i haven't been active. I finally had the time and motivation to push another chapter out, sorry if it isn't the best
> 
> this is set during Deano's suspension and after the whole incident with Michael and Lucifer
> 
> I love you all, thanks for sticking around if you're still here  
> Thanks so much for 1500 hits!! thats insane i dont deserve it but I really appreciate it  
> Leave a comment letting me know what you think

**Dean:**

 

Dean had half expected Cas to visit, at least a few times. Bobby had mentioned he used to visit everyday when Dean was unable to leave the room. Dean had to admit, he was a more than a little bit disappointed when Cas hadn’t visited, and it led him to force himself to believe all sorts of nasty lies, thinking that Cas was just ignoring him or that he had better things to do. Being all alone for prolonged periods of time could be nice, but after a few days it never failed to rot Dean out from the inside. He was left alone in silence with nothing but his thoughts and that was always dangerous. 

 

Instead of wallowing in those thoughts, Dean had figured out a way to keep his spirits from getting too damp. Whenever he felt worthless or as if Cas didn't care, he just closed his eyes and tried to remember Castiel’s smile. He remembered his laugh, the way his mouth moved around the words 'I love you'. He remembered how it felt to kiss him, running his hands through Cas' dark hair, he felt the heat in his chest from whenever he looked Cas in the eyes. That never failed to remind Dean that Cas did love him and there was probably a good reason he wasn't visiting.    
  


Every so often though, he forgot. He forgot to think of Cas and a piece of him screams that he just didn't want to remember. He didn't want to feel better, in some sick, masochistic way. 

 

By the end of the 2 weeks Dean was eager to return to school to see Cas. He had such a deep ache in his heart, in his chest, he could think of nothing else besides touching him, holding him, breathing him in and surrounding himself in him. He wanted to kiss him, to tell him ‘I love you’ over and over until he couldn't speak anymore. He wanted to put the past few weeks behind them and he wanted to move on, he wanted to see what was next for them and for the first time he found himself excited for tomorrow, excited for what comes next.

 

The next morning, Dean was going about his usual routine when he realized he hadn’t seen Cas all morning. There was an anxious flutter in his chest but he decided to ignore it, trying not to overthink and overreact. By the time the bell rang, signaling lunch, Dean was positive that something was wrong. When he walks out to the parking lot towards his car, swinging his keys on his finger, he suddenly felt a sharp pain in his head and instantly began to panic. He wasn't even positive what was happening but he knew in his heart that something awfully wrong had happened to Castiel. 

 

Instead of driving his usual route to the cemetery, Dean went through his wooded shortcut to the cabin, desperately praying that Cas was just waiting there for him. He was praying that he was safe and sound but he could sense that he wouldn't be so lucky. 

 

Dean parked in front of the clearing and ran and crashed through the trees, screaming “Cas!” the whole way. When he reached the cabin he burst through the doors and his knees almost buckled when he realized it was completely empty. 

 

He could feel his throat start to swell and tears were on the verge of forming but he knew he couldn't resort to his worst fears yet. He had to keep up hope. Dean threw himself back in the driver’s seat and careened back onto the road, swerving madly and driving well above speed limit towards Cas’ house. 

 

When he finally pulled up to the driveway, Dean sprinted to the front door to knock, his face red and his breathing ragged. As he raised his arm to knock he heard a raspy voice cry out from his right. 

 

“Dean!” the speaker was interrupted by a series of violent, raspy coughs. “Dean!” he continued. “No!” 

 

Dean whipped his head around to see Cas pressed against the glass window pane of his bedroom. Dean knew he should feel relief but he just felt an overwhelming sense of dread as he ran over to the bushes beneath the window and climbed a nearby tree. The branch was just nearly long enough for Dean to reach Cas but the window was clearly locked. Filled with terror and reckless abandon, Dean picked up a rock before he climbed the tree. He signaled to Cas, telling him to eat or of the way. With all the strength he could muster, he threw the rock at the window, earring a satisfying crack. Cas then used a book and smashed the window completely. Dean began to tear up as Cas desperately clawed for the branch. They were oddly silent throughout the whole ordeal, neither dared break the silence and risk the reality of the situation fallon upon both of them. 

 

Eventually Cas had managed to clamber completely onto the tree and Dean cradled him in his arms in a nook where the branch met the tree. Castiel sobbed harder than he ever had and clung onto Dean as f his life depended on it. Dean resisted the thought that, maybe it did. He forced himself not to ask any questions, reminding himself that this- whatever this was- must've been traumatic for Cas and he would open up when he was ready. For now, Dean was content to just hold him. To feel his warmth again and to remember that they were both alive, if nothing else besides that mattered, they were here, they were alive, and they were together. 

 

For now, they were safe.  

  
  



	21. Last I Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If all of this had taught him anything, though, it was that no matter how stupid it may sound, he shouldn’t hesitate to tell Cas how he felt because every ‘I love you’ could be his last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry.

**Castiel:**

After Dean had rescued him, Cas only remembered bits and pieces of what happened next. He was only half conscious and every time he woke up he would remember the crushing terror racing through his chest when he thought about what Michael and Lucifer would do to him when they found his room empty. He couldn’t handle thinking about the pain before his cuts had even healed, so he fell asleep in Dean’s backseat. All he could remember was driving, it seemed like they traveled miles and miles. Castiel couldn’t help thinking of how badly he just wanted to run away with Dean, to leave and never come back. He knew going home would be certain death and he was done with this town and all its memories. But he knew Dean couldn’t leave, and he could never live without Dean by his side.

The silence was killing him, and the pounding in Castiel’s head was too much to focus on, so he decided to at least try and talk to Dean. Jokingly, but weak, he spoke. His voice was incredibly dry and raspy and barely above a whisper.

"Why do you never just call an ambulance Dean? And why am I always in the hospital?" He tried to huff a laugh but he could feel his throat tighten at the thought of even _feeling_ any sort of happiness at a time like this.

Dean was steely faced and gripping the steering wheel tightly, his voice gruff and blunt,

"Both of my parents died in ambulances, Cas. Even from that first concussion I wasn't gonna let that happen to you. I put up one hell of a fight when they took you away last month, I thought I'd lost you when I woke up in the hospital and- and I never want to feel like that ever again, Cas. Maybe I'm selfish but sorry, I'm not letting you die today.” He could hear Dean take a strained, shaky breath and it almost broke his heart in two. Dean continued, his voice strained and thick and Cas had to shut his eyes forcefully tight when he realized Dean was going to cry.

“And maybe, maybe the universe is just against us. But that doesn't matter Cas because I've never given a crap what the universe thought anyway." Cas would have given anything to be able to grab Dean’s face right now, to kiss away any and all of his worries and his pain. But yet again, he was completely unable to help Dean. Talking had reopened one of the deeper cuts on Castiel’s cheek, so instead of crying and literally rubbing salt in the wound, he closed his eyes to rest and trying to ignore the pain. Soon he felt Dean lift him gently and place him on to a rolling bed.

The next thing he remembered was waking up, once again, to the bright white lights of a hospital room.

 

**Dean:**

Dean had to resist breaking down and sobbing as he practically threw Castiel’s limp, unconscious body into the backseat of the Impala. He ran to the other side and into the driver’s seat, tearing out of the driveway and racing down the street towards the main road. He wanted to punch himself, he wanted to bruise and bleed. He didn’t deserve to live after letting Cas get hurt over and over and doing nothing about it. He was completely useless. Dean clenched his teeth as he made the turn towards the exit for the hospital. He had to keep from screaming when he realized he had broken his promise so soon. This hurt more than falling down a dozen staircases. When Cas suddenly spoke, it was surprising and Dean would have cried out sweet glory hallelujah if he wasn’t currently pulling into the hospital parking lot for what seemed like the hundredth time in 6 months.

 _“Great, now I’m gonna start crying.”_ Dean thought as he replied to Cas, getting way sappier than he had intended to.

If all of this had taught him anything, though, it was that no matter how stupid it may sound, he shouldn’t hesitate to tell Cas how he felt because every ‘I love you’ could be his last. Tears finally fell with that thought, He wept silently as he picked Cas up from the backseat and gently laid him on a rolling bed as nurses clamored and rushed around him. Time seemed to slow as he leaned down over the bed railing and pressed a long, soft kiss to Cas’ bloody forehead.

“I love you” he whispered.


	22. Happy birthday, what's burning?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Happy birthday to me, I suppose” Cas muttered to himself as he sat down on a bench outside the hospital’s sliding glass doors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment below with your feedback, it means a lot and if you couldn't tell I'm really lacking motivation...sorry
> 
> also, thanks so much for almost 1800 hits, this is so wild y'all i dont even know what to say, thank you.

**Castiel:**

 

He was discharged from the hospital the next day. He lied to the doctor and told them he had gotten into a fight at school because admitting it was his own flesh and blood who tortured him like this would tear him apart. Cas was also positive he would be in even deeper shit if he told the authorities about the abuse, so he kept his mouth shut. The nurses cleaned his wounds and the doctor gave him a couple stitches. He was allowed to leave by the next morning. Dean had left the hospital because he had gotten an urgent phone call, Castiel had no idea what it was about but Dean looked really upset and Cas knew he would be fine without Dean for one more night. Cas lay awake for hours though the night, dreading dawn when he was discharged because he had nowhere to go. He had no home and no family to turn to. Dean wasn't answering his phone and Cas was already ashamed enough for being so dependent on the boy who had enough of his own problems. Cas resolved to figure this one out by himself, for once.

Morning came, and the beauty of the sunrise would have been a marvelous sight any other day. The yellows and shades of rosy pinks that flit across the horizon were admittedly mesmerizing but Cas couldn't allow himself to enjoy such simple beauty when his life was falling apart at the seams around him. That's what needed his focus, not some stupid sunrise.

As he walked out of the hospital a few outs later, Cas breathed a sigh of relief as he smelled the fresh morning air. It was saturated with the last night's rainfall and the early morning dew. Even though he may be technically homeless, he was free. Cas never acknowledged his birthday in the past because it was far too painful a memory, but it's hard not to silently remember that today was his birthday, and he was now 17 years old.

“Happy birthday to me, I suppose” Cas muttered to himself as he sat down on a bench outside the hospital’s sliding glass doors.

“Happy birthday, Jimmy.” Cas choked out quietly, his throat tightening slightly. “Oh what I wouldn’t give to have you beside me right now…” Castiel muttered to himself, absently rubbing his left forearm as he stared at the speckled concrete sidewalk his feet were resting on.

It was exciting but terrifying at the same time, all at once Cas came crashing back to reality as he realized he had no car and very little money. Not to mention all his belongings, including his school supplies were still in his room. Castiel ran his hands through his messy hair, rubbing them down his face and sighing a long, frustrated breath. He checked his phone to find Dean had called him during the night. Cas pressed the button to call him back, resolving that he may be solving this on his own but there was nothing wrong with asking for a bit of help, specifically in the form of a beautiful man and a 1967 Chevrolet Impala… right?

 

**Dean**

 

During the night, Dean woke up from the vibrating of his phone in his pocket as well as his ringtone going off in the otherwise silent hospital room. He groggily untangled himself from Cas, standing up from the chair he’d been sitting in. His knees popped as he stood and looked at the still ringing phone. Sam was calling, which was strange because it was about 2:30 in the morning.

“Hello?” Dean answered, his voice gruff and thick from sleep.

“Dean? Dean is that you?” Sam sounded out of breath, as if he had been running somewhere. Or away from something… Dean tried not to jump to conclusions, but he was definitely awake now.

“Sammy? What is it? What’s wrong?” Dean hurriedly stood up and gave Cas a chaste kiss on the forehead. He knew he had to leave so he wouldn't disturb anybody, so he grabbed his jacket and practically ran out the door as Sam continued.

“It’s- It’s about Cas, Dean.” Sam said abruptly, his breathing starting to level out.

Dean’s heart instantly began to race, _Cas? What about Cas? Sure he was a little worse for the wear but he was right there, Dean had just seen him, what could be wrong?_

“What do you mean, what happened? I was just with Cas, he’s going to be alright. What happened Sam?” Dean’s voice began to rise as he made it to his car, turning the key in the ignition and launching himself out of the hospital parking lot. He was speeding down the main highway and he couldn’t even begin to care as he tried to focus on what Sam was saying.

“Well, these guys, I don't- I don’t really know who they are, but they were, they were, like, a few years older than you, maybe? And they came to the house and knocked on the door, like, they almost broke the door down, Dean. And then, when I didn't answer the door, I just heard them start to laugh and cheer and suddenly there was a flash of light and I heard them sprinting down the street. I- well, I went down and checked the door and, it was a big pile of all these, all of these drawings of-of you. They were signed by Castiel and they had, they had lit them on fire, Dean. Dean please, I’m really scared, what’s going on? I put out the fire and everything but I really need to know what’s going on.” Sam sounded exactly like how he used to when he’d crawl into Dean’s bed in the middle of the night after  a nightmare. Too bad those nightmares were all during the waking hours these days.

Dean’s heart rate was going dangerously fast and he feared he might pass out while driving. How could he let this happen? How could he be so careless? He’d effectively put everyone he loved in danger and nothing, absolutely nothing, was more terrifying to Dean Winchester than that. Dean couldn’t find any words appropriate to explain over the phone, so he simply replied,

“I’m on my way, Sam, everything is going to be alright.” He hung up and threw the phone in the passenger seat. Dean managed to fake a sense of calm, despite the chills he was feeling all over his body as he began sweating and shaking. His hands were clammy as he gripped the steering wheel tighter, pulling into their street with wide, unseeing eyes. His heart was palpitating and it felt like there were rocks piling up on his chest as he came to the front of their house. There was a huge pile of ashes in the front of the house as well as huge, bright red letters across the front of the house in spray paint that eloquently stated-

“Fagott.” Dean muttered to himself, wincing as he realized this must’ve been done by the same people who tore Cas up.

 _They know_ he thought, which only served to make him shake more.

He parked the Impala and threw the door open, practically sprinting to where Sam was sat on the front steps, his head in his hands and his shaggy hair piling around his fingers. Dean hugged Sam tighter than he ever has, clinging to his little brother and breathing in deep, shaky breaths as he tried to regain composure and calm down enough to be able to talk. And that’s exactly what he did, he explained everything that had happened in the past few hours with Cas as Sam listened intently. And then, they did what any normal family would do in this situation, they both slowly stood up and silently began working on cleaning up the spray paint job as well as the pile of ashes. Neither boy said a word as a tear dripped down Dean’s face when he picked through the pile of burnt and blackened paper, catching a glimpse of the remnant of a beautifully drawn graphite eye, presumably his own. He couldn’t believe someone would do this to them, and he was met with the familiar exhaustion as he wished it would all just _stop_ , even just for a little while.

Soon, the boys had done as much as they could do, and they silently retreated to bed, neither convinced that the other slept at all through the rest of the night.

Dean spent the night staring blankly at his ceiling, desperately trying to think of nothing and everything all at once. That is, until he received a phone call from Cas just hours later. He answered on the first ring.

“Hello? Dean?” the gravelly voice on the other end came through the receiver and Dean instantly burst into tears.

“Meet me at the cabin.” Dean managed through stifled sobs as he hung up the phone, ignoring Cas’ protest, and stood up to try and face the world one more time.


	23. Nostalgia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What did we ever do to deserve each other, Cas? We’re so incredibly fucked up, it's like some sick joke.” Dean mumbled, pressing his forehead against Castiel’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for self harm and attempted suicide references, stay safe kids
> 
> this is the first chapter with real content in a while, so thank the fanfic gods
> 
> leave a comment below letting me know what you think! I love you all very very much!! thanks for 1900 hits aaah!!!!

 

**Castiel:**

 

Dean had told Castiel to meet him at the cabin, and he decided not to argue as it sounded as if Dean was crying as he said it. Luckily, the cabin was only about a mile from the hospital. Cas walked in silence for what seemed like hours until he reached the familiar expanse of trees that hid their cabin.

He smiled a weak, crooked smile as he walked through the trees, fondly remembering his first time coming here with Dean all those weeks ago. It felt like a lifetime, a long, exhausting lifetime. He hadn’t spotted the Impala out in front of the trees, so Cas assumed Dean was still on his way. As he pushed the leaves out of the way and entered the large clearing, Cas couldn’t help but look out over the lake and blush as he remembered when Dean had basically stripped down to go swimming.

It was then that he realized after all of this, Dean still knew so little about Cas. It only dawned on him then that Dean had told him everything about his life, and Cas apparently didn’t have the courtesy to do the same. It made Cas feel immediately sick to his stomach as he thought about how much of his life he was hiding from Dean. He felt like he was lying to him, in some way. Castiel’s stomach did flips as he realized he would eventually be found out.

Dean would eventually discover everything about him and his muddy past, and that was terrifying. Cas’ hands began to shake as he thought about how easily Dean could leave him, how easily everything could end. He found himself absentmindedly staring at the water, the calmness, the soft ripples slowly pushing and pulling, the cold invitation silently spoken by each drop of water…

“Hey, Cas. Sorry I’m late.” Cas was broken out of his trance by a gruff, thick voice from behind him. Dean was walking in slowly, the light gradually illuminating his entire body as he stepped into the clearing. He was breathtaking, just like the first time Cas had ever seen him, he remembered everything he still had to live for.

As Dean walked closer though, Cas could tell that there was something seriously wrong. His heart plummeted to the pits of his stomach as the light touched the dark bags beneath Dean’s eyes. His face was puffy and fatigued, as if he had been crying for hours, possibly all night judging by how tired he seemed.

Dean was stone faced and the warmth that usually shone from every inch of this boy was drained. It took all his strength for Castiel not to break down into tears. Instead, he rushed to Dean, pulling him into a hug that both of them needed so desperately. Cas could feel Dean melt just a bit as he wrapped his arms tightly around Dean’s torso, burying his head in the warm crook of Dean’s neck and inhaling deeply.

He smelled so familiar but he felt different, somehow. Dean exhaled as if he had been holding his breath and instantly clung onto Castiel as hard as he could, pressing their bodies as close as possible. The embrace spoke volumes silently, and Cas never wanted to let go.

Eventually the boys stepped back from each other. Dean’s face crumpled as his gaze traveled over Cas’ body and met his eyes. To Cas’ surprise, he broke down into deep, wracking sobs of sadness and exhaustion. Dean soon fell to his knees on the grass as he cried his heart out.

Cas knew better than to pry during times like these, instantly dropping to the ground next to Dean, whose entire body was now shaking and heaving with silent sobs. He rubbed his lover’s back, desperately trying to comfort him and calm him down. He hated seeing Dean in this much pain and not knowing why or how to help. Soon, Dean sniffed and was able to take a few deep breaths. His hands were shaking as he slowly reached out for Cas, pulling himself weakly into Cas’ arms once again.

This is where they felt safest, and Cas could tell he was about to find out what was wrong, and he knew he wasn't going to like it.

Dean took a shuddered breath as he leaned into Castiel’s chest, gripping onto Cas’ shirt as if it was a security blanket.

“Cas?” Dean croaked, his voice weak and thick with tears. His eyes were still shut forcefully tight as he continued taking deep, shaking breaths.

“Yes, Dean?” Cas whispered, terrified of whatever would spill from Dean’s lips next.

“I'm- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.” Dean stifled another sob and gripped tighter to Cas’ shirt. Cas was almost cradling Dean protectively at this point, holding him as close as he could.

“I'm so-sorry that I wasn't there for you. That I wa-wasn't good enough. I'm sorry that I couldn't protect you, and I'm sorry that I have to ask you, b-but they-they came for Sam, they came for Sam, Cas! He was alone and they could've- Oh god! They could've-!” Dean cut himself off as his body was wracked with a fresh wave of sobs.

"Ssh ssh, Dean, baby, i've got you. Don't be sorry, please baby, don't be sorry. None of this, none of it is your fault. And what are you talking about, who? Who came for Sam, Dean?” Cas spoke softly, as if he was trying to calm a frightened animal.

"P-please, Cas. Please. Tell me wh- tell me what happened in that house. Tell me why I had to take you to the ho- the hospital. I'm sorry Cas, I know it hurts, Cas I'm in so much pain, but I need you to tell me the truth about what's going on. It's starting to reach my only other family besides you, and Sam doesn't deserve any of this. Please, if there's anything- anything I need to know…” Dean trailed off as he finally opened his eyes, tilting his head upwards to stare straight into Castiel’s bright blue eyes.  
There was a pang in his heart as Cas remembered the first time he laid eyes on Dean, the first time he realized that green was the most beautiful color on Earth. He never would've guessed they'd end up here.

Cas’ heart plummeted again as he saw the practically tangible pain in Dean’s once vibrant and bright eyes. His face was covered in tears and Cas knew what he had to do.

Cas took a deep, shaking breath and closed his eyes before exhaling slowly. He still had no idea what had happened to Dean, and specifically Sam, but he knew he had a responsibility to be honest with Dean.

"They're my brothers. The guys who locked me up and- and hurt me. My two oldest brothers, Michael and Lucifer. They found my art, my drawings of you and…” Cas trailed off as he saw Dean’s eyes widen in realization.

"Oh Cas, oh god Cas, I'm so sorry.” Dean whispered.

“They-they burned them, Cas. They lit every last one on fire in a pile on my front lawn. Cas I'm so-” Dean wasn't able to finish before Cas stood abruptly, making sure Dean wasn't leaning on him before rushing over to the lake shore. He was running his hands through his hair and rubbing his arm furiously, his entire body began to shake. He felt like he was going to grow up, so he knelt over the water and dry heaved but nothing came up.

No, no this couldn't be happening.

Castiel's mind was racing and he could hear Dean saying something but he sounded as if he was miles away. Cas put his hands on either side of his head and tightly gripped his hair as his breathing became ragged and short as he hyperventilated. They knew, they knew everything about Dean and it was all his fault. they were going to hurt him.

“No! No! You can't hurt Dean! I won't let you! I love him, Michael!” Castiel screwed his eyes shut and screamed at nobody, his entire body going into shock as he realized they truly had no safety left. What was even left to live for if there wasn't Dean? What would Cas do if something happened to him? Cas could hear someone screaming in the distance and it took him a few moments to realize it was himself. He felt like he couldn't even control his own body anymore. Soon, there was a hand pressing comfortingly on his back and Cas was thrust back to Earth.

Dean.

He needed to know.

He had a right to know.

Castiel realized what he was going to do and tears began streaming down his face. No matter how many deep breaths he took, he couldn't calm down. Slowly, as if he was controlled by strings, like a marionette doll, Castiel stood up. His movements were rigid and robot-like. He was barely even registering what he was doing. He could hear Dean faintly asking him what was going on, but he couldn't process how to answer.

  
Slowly, once Cas was standing straight, he reached down and grabbed the loose hem at the bottom of his shirt. His hands were trembling violently and he could think of nothing and yet everything was going through his head at once. He tightened his hands into fists around the fabric, pulling it up slowly and bringing it over his head. Soon, he was completely shirtless and exposed.

He could hear the breath hitch in Dean’s throat. He could feel Dean’s gaze boring into his scarred and torn up arms, angry white and red lines traveling up the length of his left wrist to just above his elbow. His right arm wasn't as scarred, but it hadn't been completely spared. Beneath the cuts on his left arm, though, his entire forearm was covered in burnt, misshapen skin. He had never properly healed from that day and he never intended to.

A few tears slipped down Castiel’s cheek as he continued in the silence. He reached down to the zipper of his pants and slowly undid the button. Soon, his pants were around his ankles and he could hear a muffled sob escape Dean as Cas revealed his torn and scarred thighs, which were covered in many newer wounds than his wrists.

There were even several burn marks from when he had gotten into the habit of putting Lucifer’s cigarettes out onto his own knees every so often, and some more large patches of burnt skin on his hip and upper thigh.

Soon, after what seemed like lifetimes of standing there, practically naked and exposing himself to Dean, Cas closed his eyes and tried counting to 100 in an effort to pretend none of this was really happening. He only reached 17 before he heard a rustling in the grass and as a weight was thrusting itself into Castiel’s now cold, vulnerable frame. Dean was no longer crying, but he was gripping Cas tightly, as if his life depended on it.  
Both boys wanted to say something, anything, but it was all understood when Cas returned the embrace, gripping just as tightly.

“His name was Jimmy.” Cas whispered into Dean’s shoulder.

“I love you, Cas. I love you so much, never forget that. Now tell me everything.” Dean said softly, planting soft kisses to Cas’ forehead and nose.

 

**Dean:**

 

As he walked towards the familiar entrance to the clearing, Dean knew he wouldn't even be able to pretend to be okay when he saw Cas, and maybe, he thought, maybe that wasn't such a bad thing.

Slowly, as if he was barely controlling himself, Dean wobbled through the branches and found himself stepping into the clearing. Sunlight slowly filtered through the leaves above the trees and warmed his body as he kept walking nearer to Cas.

Seeing him there, standing in the sunlight was almost too much to bear. He was instantly met with that familiar heat in the pit of his stomach and the pulling feeling in his navel, drawing him towards Castiel. He was the most amazing thing that’d ever happened to Dean, and they were meant to be together… right? Dean exhaled slowly as he tried not to think back to the first time he’d seen those eyes.

_Those eyes._

He thought fondly, remembering the first time he met eyes with those big, forget-me-not blue eyes. That had marked the beginning of the rest of Dean’s life, but he’d do anything to go back and keep those two boys, hopelessly in love, from ending up here.

As Cas surveyed his body, Dean could see his face change. What was that? Disappointment? Dean could feel himself shutting down, his hands began shaking as thoughts of shame blasted through his mind; they were telling him Cas was disappointed in him, that somehow Cas knew about what had happened and he was ashamed of Dean.

Dean knew he was nothing but a worthless disappointment, but he never wanted to have to see it in those eyes.

_Not those eyes. Not his eyes, please._

Dean pleaded to himself, silently.

When he finally came to a stop in front of Cas, all his fears melted away as the boy practically threw himself into Dean’s arms. He buried his nose in the crook of Dean’s neck and nothing on Earth could make him feel safer.

Dean was pulling Cas into him as tight as possible, he never wanted to let go. While they were here, like this, they were safe and with each other. They could forget about everything and everyone else and only be themselves.

This hug should’ve lasted a lifetime, but unfortunately, Dean knew he couldn’t hide from his problems forever.

When Dean finally made eye contact with Cas, he could feel himself lose composure as his throat tightened. Dean completely broke down, a wave of every emotion he had kept bottled up for what seemed like weeks suddenly came rushing out.

Dean’s hands were trembling violently now, so he tucked them into his armpits as his knees gave out and he fell to the ground. He felt pathetic, disgusting, and so worthless. He could barely think about what Cas was thinking, seeing Dean lose himself like this. The thought only made Dean hate himself more.

Dean’s entire body was heaving and shaking as he was wracked with silent sobs. He was crying about everything and nothing in particular, but somewhere, he knew it felt good to finally let it out.

Slowly, as if he were a child, he laid himself into Cas’ chest for warmth. Eventually he was going to have to speak, and that was terrifying.

They talked for what seemed like hours, and Dean was only able to compose himself when Cas began visibly panicking by the water’s edge. This wasn't about him anymore, and he needed to be strong.

For Cas.

This was all so terrifying and new, he still couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that the men who had tortured Cas and put him in the hospital could be his own blood. Dean had never had a perfect life, but he would rather rot in hell forever than know he hurt Sam in any way.

Cas was having a full on panic attack, and Dean was still in shock. Cas was screaming at the top of his lungs, shrieking at an invisible Michael, begging him not to hurt Dean. The scene was heartbreaking and Dean was trying his best to calm Cas down, but it was difficult when he was in this state. He pressed his hand firmly to Cas’ back, knowing it would provide at least a bit of comfort and warmth to try and bring Cas back down to Earth.

A few moments later, Cas was so silent that the ring of his screams was still hanging in the air.

What happened next was something Dean knew he’d never be able to forget. Cas slowly took off all of his clothes, revealing dozens upon dozens of angry white and red scars on his arms and legs. He also had burn scars that looked quite old, but Dean was shocked and could barely speak.

Dean knew how to hug though, and sometimes that was all you could do in times like this. He pulled Cas into a tight embrace, clinging to him as if he were trying to push his body into Castiel’s, as if he wanted to take his place.

“His name was Jimmy.” Cas said in a cracked whisper.

After a few more seconds, the boys broke apart and sat down on the grass overlooking the lake. Cas rested his head on Dean’s shoulder before continuing. Both boys ignored how Cas was still practically naked. Dean had no idea what to expect, but this seemed all too familiar.

“He was my- he was my twin brother. We loved each other so much, we were practically inseparable. He was 8 minutes older than me, and yet, he seemed like he had lived lifetimes enough for the both of us.” Cas smiled ever so softly, a weak, crooked smile meant only for himself, but Dean saw and it almost made him smile too.

Almost.

“We were closer than should be possible, and whenever our older brothers would pick on me, he would always stand up for me. They would-” Cas took in a shaking breath. “They would beat us. Mainly me, because I guess that they could tell I was gay even then. But Jimmy, he never deserved any of it. He didnt- he didnt deserve-” Cas let out a few muffled sobs, his body already sore and exhausted from crying so heavily.

“W-when we were thirt-thirteen, Lucifer accidentally left-he left a cigarette in the trash can. The whole house went up in flames. Jimmy and I were the last ones because someone had locked the door to the bedroom we were in. I got- I got stuck beneath some falling debris, it fell on my arm and pinned me. Jimmy was able to drag me out from under, I was screaming at him to let me go, to leave me. I knew even then that he deserved to live so much more than I ever could. And yet, he wouldn't let me die, god knows why. After dragging me out, he fell backwards and hit the ground. Hard. The wood floor of the second story collapsed and he fell through. I can still still remember the smell- Oh god, Dean, the smell. It was horrible, like nothing you’ve ever imagined. I had to watch him burn, and there was nothing I could do. I tried everything I could, I spent what seemed like hours wrenching burnt pieces of wood off of him, but it was no use-” Cas let out a choked sob.

“It was no use, he was already gone.” Cas shut his eyes as a few more tears slipped out and fell down his cheeks and onto the sandy shore.

“That’s why I c-cut there. It’s my only reminder of him, my only reminder of how I killed my own brother.” Cas exhaled sharply, knowing he needed to continue before Dean could speak.

“I started to go crazy, I would see his face everywhere it wasn’t. I would break down and cry or have a panic attack in the middle of the grocery story, whenever I saw his favorite brand of cereal, or when a teacher would accidentally call his name for role. It was the darkest time in my life, and I saw no real reason to keep going. I-I attempted. One day I realized the only thing that could make me happy was to go to sleep forever, to finally silence Jimmy’s voice in my head, crying out that I’d betrayed him. I just wanted to sleep…” Cas was strangely detached as he said this, he had cried himself dry. Dean on the other hand, had apparently not because his back was gently heaving with small, muffled cries.

“Gabe walked in on me, though. He called the ambulance and the rest is history, I suppose. The rest of my family couldn’t care less, but we eventually had to pick up and move after people deemed me a danger to their children and I became a social pariah. My family didn’t want to deal with the shame and stigma, so we ran away. I moved here just before freshman year. Tha-that’s why they call me overdose. The word eventually got out that I had tried to overdose and rather than being sympathetic, most of them were just upset that I hadn’t gotten it right the first time.” Cas was speaking softly, but Dean visibly tensed with rage as he said this, and Cas rubbed his hand on Dean’s back comfortingly, which he appreciated.

“By the end of sophomore year, the memory wasn’t as fresh anymore and I was able to control myself, but I had a reputation and I saw no reason to try and make friends. That is, until I saw you.” Cas kissed Dean’s shoulder softly and Dean smiled softly, wiping the tears from his face.

“I loved you from the moment we met, Dean. And I’ve never stopped. It doesn’t hurt that you’re also the most beautiful person I’ve ever met.” Cas laughed softly and palmed Dean’s crotch playfully. That was it, he’d finally done it. Dean smiled and leaned over to kiss Cas deeply on the lips.

"What did we ever do to deserve each other, Cas? We’re so incredibly fucked up, it's like some sick joke.” Dean mumbled, pressing his forehead against Castiel’s.

Cas laughed weakly, both boys still unsure of what was next.

“So, Dean, what- what happened?” Cas spoke softly.

Dean explained what had happened to the house, making sure to say that he and Sam were both completely fine. Cas grew silent, even his breathing was softer; he seemed like he was thinking or as if he had realized something.

"What? What is it, sweetheart?” Dean resisted the urge to smile fondly as he remembered the first time Cas had called him that.

“It’s-It’s nothing, Dean. I love you, and I’m glad you're okay. Can we please just leave this behind us and go inside? Im freezing.” Cas said, gesturing down to how he was still only in his boxers.

“Sure, Cas. But it’s just…” Dean trailed off. He had no idea what to say to address Castiel’s self harm. It made him nauseous thinking of how much pain Cas would have to be in to subject himself to that, but he knew he would do anything to help him stop.

“Just, I’m here. I’m here for you, and I love you, and I don't have any experience with this, but I just want you to be safe, and I really don't want you doing this to yourself anymore. I know it’s difficult, but it hurts so much to see you like this, and I don’t want to make it about myself, but please- please just tell me when you need help. Tell me. I’m always here for you, and you never need to hurt yourself like this again. Promise me you'll try, Cas. Please.” Dean stumbled over himself, desperately trying to help.

“Okay, Dean.” Cas whispered.

“I- I’ll try. I promise.”


End file.
